7 Reasons Why I Swiped Left

Online dating blows. But I think I owe it to you to explain why we’re not going to happen.


#1

Let’s get some ‘za, Bro! ‘MURICA.

Who the hell are you?

It’s a group shot, and there’s a guy with a nice smile in this photo, but also a guy vaping. It’s not worth the risk of being matched with someone who looks like he’s blowing a robot in public.

Maybe the photo is so dark that I can’t see your face. Maybe it’s the side of your head.

WHO ARE YOU?

LEFT.


#2

All your photos are selfies.

I can only assume that you have no friends — or if you do have friends, none of them like you enough to take your photo.

LEFT.


#3

I call this particular tattoo trend the “Un-Care Bear”

Huh. A shirtless bathroom mirror selfie where you’re showing off your abs

Okay, not sure who convinced men that women care about abs. Straight men like abs (like a lot!), but most women I know don’t give a fuck.

Instead of doing so many crunches maybe you could learn a few jokes? Do you know any songs on guitar?

LEFT.


#4

Aaaaaaand, that’s a photo of your dick

Okay, so sorry you have to find this out on Medium, but the male body isn’t much to look at. I’m not a religious person, but I do recall the story of Adam and Eve. God created Adam first, then Eve. Guys, you’re the first pancake — no one wants to see you naked.

LEFT.


#5

I’m sure she’s a “friend” and her face is kinda weird, so I’m not that threatened.

Who’s that woman you’re cuddling with?

Nothing makes me swipe left faster than seeing you with some girl (especially if her hair is less frizzy than mine). Is it your ex? Your sister? Your cousin? Who knows — Muni is arriving and I’m not going to take the time to read the caption.

LEFT.


#6

If you need me, I’ll be in my room drinking wine and listening to Foreigner’s God. Ignore the humming noise.

Oh, you have a man bun…

Man bun is reserved exclusively for Hozier, and it’s because his voice is just hot liquid sex washing over me. Unless you’re Hozier, get a damn haircut.

LEFT.


#7

Not pictured: Dismembered woman who swiped right

Are you a serial killer? I think you might be a serial killer.

And not like American Psycho where at least you own a good suit. No, I’m being serious here: why are you wearing a poncho in your bathroom? Is that your kill room? Is there a body in the tub? If that thought even crosses my mind, it’s an automatic left.

LEFT.


I know we can do better

Here’s some inspiration for your next profile pic.

Everyone on OKC and Tinder wants to meet someone — no one is on there because they want to reject you.

Ask your friends to take a good photo of you. Have someone read over your account and give you honest feedback. Learn a few jokes. Take a photo holding your coworkers dog.

Stop and ask yourself honestly “would I want to chat with the person in my own photo?”