It’s not you… it’s me, who’s worried about your love handles and thin hair.

“Your hair’s a bit thin on top… that’s worrying” followed with a grimace from the guy I was currently dating. Next it was a little squeeze around the middle with “We’ll have to work on that” meaning my 3 kilo Europe weight gain. Cheers mate – you’re casually pointing out my physical flaws after what, 2 weeks of dating? My mind was flowing with excuses – well I dye my hair darker than it’s natural colour so it makes my scalp look Snow White-esque because I’m Caucasian and that’s HANG ON!, Why?! am I defending the colour of my freaking scalp to a guy who’s wearing cargo pants.

Girls have enough issues over their bodies with those Target catalogue lingerie clad women (I can’t stand Victoria’s Secret so not giving them a mention. Shit.) staring at us from the junk-mail-yes-please letterbox already. No need to have a guy who you’re trying to look your ultimate best around at all times pointing out your flaws and voicing them out loud like you’re a prized bull for sale. If he’s complaining about the thinness of my hair and love handles now, what’s he going to be like in a year or worse, what if we get married and heaven forbid start a family.

If he’s grumbling about physical things at a size 12, relatively-wrinkle-free-fresh-faced 30 year old me, what on earth is this guy going to be like once I’m pregnant? Or worse, 40?! I don’t think I could take the berating about my lumps and bumps and he’d need a full afternoon to enter my sagging and growing regions into his notes reminders.

To me a guy voicing his thoughts sounds like he’s not sure of himself. “I know where we are on the map.” equates to “I have no flipping idea where we are.” So my interpretation for “I’m not sure if your hair is thick enough.” sounds more like “I’m not sure if I like you enough”.

At the end of the day does it really all come down to physical appearance? Of course you need physical attraction to date someone and I know myself I can’t be with an overweight person who munches buckets of KFC and watches the Biggest Loser whilst I go for a run because a) we’re not going to agree on the weekly shopping list and b) I see future health problems and someone I can’t spoil grandkids with. (No junk food judgement here, I love a drunken dirty bird, KFC binge)

So now that I’m emotionally, follically damaged – (I’m so selling that to Rogaine) I started thinking do I warn the next guy I date that I have thin hair? Because we’ve only met online and my Facebook hair image is clearly a lush-full-of-thick-lies. He might think I’m hair fraudulent or be hairy disappointed. I’m sounding damaged all right.

And anyway I thought guys didn’t care about this stuff – that’s what every girly magazine to date ludicrously declares “Trust us! Guys don’t notice your cellulite, they’re only worrying how great you look under that candlelight” Oh pul-lease. I’m onto you now, they’re really down at the pub discussing cottage cheese thighs and muffin tops with more disgust than teenage girls.

When you’ve been together awhile, I’m talking years – it’s a whole different playing field and you know how far to push each other “Hey fatty, no more S&V chips for you”. You can throw the chip packet in their face or blissfully keep munching. And well, it’s nice to keep each other in check. We all know when one of you starts upping those gym sessions it smells like breakup or there’s a smokin’ new girl at work, and that means FIRE!

I can’t say I’d comment negatively on a guy’s physical appearance once I’m dating them – it’s just not nice. After all – you like them right? and want them to like you, so point out the positives and give the hair follicles a break next time, for both the sexes.