Every Breaking Wave

Miki
Interpersonal Dynamics
4 min readNov 25, 2014

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The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.

  • Mark Twain

Out of the twelve years of school I've experienced thus far, I don’t remember all that much. But do you know what I do remember?

I remember fourth grade. From the middle of the year until the end, many of the kids in my class stopped talking to me. I was confused. What was my nine year old self supposed to think? To me, it was strange; I made close relationships with people in that class, I always had a smile on my face when I walked into school, I always found myself laughing at whatever fourth grade girls found so funny.

But something had changed. People had started to distance themselves from me. The friends I thought I was close with began to create a giant space between us. All of the sudden, we weren't so close, and I was alone.

As a nine year old little girl, I was left with thoughts like, Does everyone hate me? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt their feelings? Was it something I said? Is it the way I look? Maybe they’re just all tired? No that’s not it. What could it possibly be? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe they realized how boring and uneventful I am. Maybe they finally saw me, and didn't like what they were seeing. Maybe they thought it’d be better if I wasn't there.

Nine years old, and anxiety hit me like a crashing wave. Not the kind you can enjoy and laugh about, but the type that pushes you underneath the water. Pushing you, and pushing you, and pushing you down, down… down. And the worst part? I couldn't swim.

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Let’s fast forward. I’m a junior in high school, I get good grades, and I work hard. The friends I've now surrounded myself with couldn't make me any happier. They are amazing people, and the best friends any girl would be lucky enough to have. The feelings of anguish that a fourth grade girl could feel was starting to pull away.

Yet, the waves of anxiety that I felt in fourth grade, are exactly what I am using to describe them: waves. The anxious feeling, the constant fear of what others might be thinking of you may pull away from the shore, but it always comes back.

Some waves are larger than others, some push you down so far, it feels like it’s impossible to come back up, some aren't all that bad. Sometimes the waves can even seem gentle.

Though these seemingly gentle waves exist, they’re still waves that do nothing but shove you back. These waves, they have the ability to make you feel alone.

The last thing I would ever want, is for anyone to feel that way.

To be alone, to feel alone leaves you with your thoughts. Thoughts that leave you self conscious and overly aware of yourself. Thoughts that can bind chains to your arms and your legs, and only sometimes do they feel loose enough to let you laugh and smile along with everyone else.

Other times — these chains that have grasped your arms and your legs feel so tight you can barely move. You can only grab your chest to see if you’re really breathing. You have to take a moment to look around you and physically see you aren't alone, but though you aren't alone, you still feel lonely. Then what?

What could possibly be done to loosen the chains, to get rid of the loneliness? What could soothe the crashing waves that’s slowly drowning your mind?

I don’t really have many of the answers. If I knew the answers, then my little nine year old self would have been able to continue the fourth grade without the constant stress that came from being alone.

But I do have an answer for people who are willing to help.

Talk. Reach out. If we see anyone crying their eyes out in the corner outside of class, or someone who just obviously (or subtly, if you can really see it) looks uncomfortable and sad, talk to them!

I know thoughts like, Should I say something? But what if they just blow me off? Is it worth saying anything? Maybe I should just leave them alone. If it was me I would probably want to be left alone, can begin to cloud our minds. I know feelings of our own anxiety spring up by the thought of approaching them.

Nonetheless, take a moment to say something. A simple hello, a cute little charming smile, or even small talk about poop (that’s what I tried to do when I saw someone crying…kind of a weird situation!).

Any kind gesture will help subdue these waves, even your own. Each small, but meaningful gesture, will lead that person so much closer to a genuine smile — proof that the waves are calming down.

***

Anxiety, social anxiety and loneliness is something that everyone and anyone can begin to feel. Even little girls and boys. The naked eye won’t always be able to see it, and it’s nothing we can fight against. It’s not some sort of enemy we have to take down.

It is, on the other hand, something that can be pacified by the right gestures and the right kind of people.

For me? Fifth grade was when I met two very important somebodies that caused the waves to stop crashing into me so hard. Little by little they each taught me how to swim, even if it was just the doggy paddle.

They’re still the two best friends a girl could ever ask for.

I've gotta say, I’m pretty lucky.

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Miki
Interpersonal Dynamics

“Loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself” — rupi kaur