How Pseudo-Feminist Fake Allies Make Safe Spaces Feel Unsafe
“You don’t have to tolerate what’s not yours to tolerate”, they say. Still, I sit here wondering, “Is this because of empathy that comes out of humanity that I’m trying to let go of the annoyance and not confront them, or is it because I have been conditioned to be forgiving and empathetic because I am a woman?”.
When you believe in a cause, you’re working for it, and accept someone as an ally, you expect them to know and practice respect first of all. When you accept someone as an ally, you want to trust them. But what’s it with men who claim to be allies only to get into your pants?
We feminists know that a part of feminism is also enjoying oneself and encouraging others to enjoy sexuality and explore their bodies, understand their needs and wants, to gain a better awareness of oneself, all while breaking patriarchal conditions that women’s bodies are properties men own. We feminists do not need a cis-het man to “guide” us or to “encourage” us to learn about our sexuality, about our desires and fantasies, and to open doors to heaven, no, thanks. We have a lot many other aspects of intersectional feminism that interest us well.
There has got to be a word to describe a cis-het man who is obsessed with women’s private parts, who also calls himself a feminist by the way? I scratch my head. This is a dude who is obsessed with sex. How do I say so? The “feminist” posts he likes show up on my feed. His areas of interest predominantly include Durex ads, sexuality posts by gynaecologists and sexologists, cartoons of women exploring their bodies, cartoons by women and queers about freedom of dressing, quizzes by women for women about women’s genitals (encouraging women to masturbate without shame), and hell, even menstrual cup ads — how to wear menstrual cups, how to insert them right, etc.
The way I look at it, this dude is not a feminist or even a feminist ally but a key irritating factor. I tell myself to just ignore him, I tell myself that he’s most probably unemployed (if he’s living on social media!) and/or depressed (based on all those depression memes) and is using masturbation or fantasies or sex as his coping mechanism, so I should not take him seriously. But in all honesty, my concern here is not him bothering me, but men like these making even supposedly safe spaces for women unsafe. When I see your presence there, it’s an instant turn off because I no longer feel like women get to be open there.
While the anti-feminist dudes and haters intentionally target feminists, opinionated women, and queers to try and silence us, you fake allies are no different because you make us feel the same way they do at the end of the day! It was “Safe Internet Day” a few days before, but what safe Internet? That’s a joke! If there were no official to stop them, these dues would perhaps be even right there next to doctors and nurses, as they check your bodies to see if you have any issues or not, standing there, drooling and masturbating.
Once, a man told me that I can’t consider myself broad-minded or call myself feminist if I’m not open to and ready to be pansexual. What? (Nothing, just another dude mansplaining feminism.) I said that while I have nothing against pansexuality or those who are pansexual, I know for sure that I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to take in more than one person (and that’s going to be a man because I identify as heterosexual) into my romance world or to be in a relationship with. He insisted and tried hard to talk me into agreeing to polyamory then. After an hour of trying to convince me to sign up for polyamory and me refusing, he ended it saying that I should still consider it. Typical. Typical of patriarchal men — in their minds, they are always right, women know less, and these men know even women’s minds, women’s bodies, and women’s intelligence a lot better than we women ourselves do! <eye roll>
There was another occasion, where a friend of mine had posted about women connecting with one another over a call for discussion on some topic, insisting that it’s only for women, and men can be listeners but not speakers, and still a dude kept coming in to speak. His purpose? He wanted to “joke” and mock about the condition that only women were allowed to speak in there, but she did not mean that as a joke — she meant what she said. Only because the condition was mentioned, some of us women even wanted to participate in it.
When I see that there are discussions happening and spaces hosted by and for queers (which I see often, and I’m proud of you all!), it does not even occur to me to step in. Because I don’t identify as a queer, so I can’t, right? Sadly, though, I have heard some of my queer friends saying that they have been contacted by cis-het men and have even been harassed by men on Grindr, a dating app meant for gays, lesbians, trans persons, and queers!
Why is respect still an alien concept for so many cis-het men in our society? How do you justify yourselves? Do you tell yourselves that it’s out of “intellectual curiosity”, which is part of “masculinity” that you’re driven to barge into women’s spaces and queers spaces? Or is it the classic, good old saviour complex? You think without your “assistance” or “help” or whatever you want to call it, we women will die without knowing what to do with our lives and bodies? How is it that only a #MeToo accused or a rape-accused man is evil in your eyes, and you, who can’t understand something as basic as respect and consent, are a hero, dude?
It’s one thing to be interested in sex and condom ads, but an obsession with menstrual cup awareness, with women’s posts and meetings where they explain to all those who identify as women safe sex practices, the do’s and don’ts of masturbation, how to explore their bodies, and queer spaces, nobody invited you to participate in all these.
We feminists have been fighting hard for the rights and freedom of the oppressed, and if you want to be an ally, start with practicing respect, with learning your limits, and by respecting boundaries. Just adding the label “feminist” to your bio, following feminists and feminist pages, and a rainbow to your username isn’t going to help anyone.
