How to Deal with Patronizing Comments and Mansplaining

Raise your hand if you have not once been on the receiving end of patronizing comments or if you have never been mansplained! That’s right, no hand goes up, so it is understood. Can we stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start thinking along the lines of the question? :P Hmm … How?

Firstly, what are patronizing comments? And how are these different from positive comments or compliments and criticism?

Compliments are simply compliments; they tell you that someone truly appreciates you for something you have done. Criticism is straightforward; it tells you that the other person sees that you can improve in some area(s) and that doing so may help you. Patronizing comments on the other hand are remarks that sound like compliments but the intention does not feel like they appreciate you.

Wait, how could a “compliment” not feel positive? Are we talking about sarcasm or false comments and lies? No, sarcasm is sarcasm; the intention itself is to be sarcastic. On the other hand, patronizing comments are where a person does not see you as an equal, they feel like they rank much higher than you and you rank way below them, and it’s like they are genuinely surprised that someone like you could actually do something that they appreciate!

Stop Mansplaining and Patronizing

Examples of patronizing comments could be a manager looking at their junior or even an equal and haughtily saying, “Good job!”, when they did not expect you to be capable of doing what you had done. It is often along lines of a father telling their kid, “Great!” when the kid is learning to do basic things on their own, or like an adult “complimenting” their dog while training the dog to play Fetch.

That is perfectly fine when it’s a parent talking like that to their child or an adult talking like that to their dog because in those cases, there is clearly a big difference when it comes to power, knowledge, and on all such levels. But while someone talks like that to you when you are in a more or less equal ranking and/or you for sure know that you are highly skilled and knowledgeable in this area and you know much better than they do, … ‘complments’ like these can turn the relationship sour. They might feel positively about you, but the arrogance that comes with it, as though they want to normalise belittling you — this is patronizing.

Now, how to deal with patronizing comments and mansplaining?

1. Let go. Often, those throwing patronizing comments might not even realize what they are doing and how they come across to you. Usually, they are ignorant of this and are most likely like kids living in their own world. Ten years ago, if you had asked me this question, “let it go” would certainly not have been my answer. But as you grow, you learn that time is precious, and letting these people who have little self-awareness get under your skin is going to stress you out. Much. Been there, felt that.
2. Deal with them the way you would deal with an insecure person. Often, those who jump in and give unsolicted advice to those around them in areas that others might know better than they really do are just insecure people trying to cope up with their insecurities. They are afraid that if they don’t assert themselves as superior, everyone else in the room would walk all over them and disrespect them. Mansplaining often comes from a place of terrible male insecurity, which is why you would rarely see a super smart man always trying to be the talker and giving everyone advice and feedback — no, he spends his time on other useful things, like reading, experimenting, calculating things, etc.
3. Remove yourself from the situation temporarily. Is it a live call? Is it a meeting room? Is it a team lunch? Politely excuse yourself, say you need to step out, and go, get a breather. Or go for a walk. Usually, we are never in our best form or true character when we are highly emotional, when we feel hurt, insulted, or inflamed. It is better to not let these emotions get the best out of us, especially when long-term personal or professional relationships or our goals and career are at stake. A walk outside the space can be refreshing and positively distracting.
4. Remind yourself that it is their problem, so you don’t have to try and fix it for them. Come on, all of us have our own flaws — this we can accept, right? Probably, the difference between you and them is that you know enough to not behave like this and the patronizer or mansplainer does not. They are either being childish or they are being childish and simply don’t want to work on that! This behaviour is going to ruin their reputation. Insecurities that are not overcome are going to be extremely challenging for anyone. If they are openly patronizing and mansplaining you, that is probably the coping mechanism they are most comfortable with!
5. Let them know. I know, I know it can be infuriating sometimes when such a person repeats this behaviour and you have to put up with them almost everyday. In that case, you have to at some point let them know. No, you don’t necessarily have to be rude (I bet most of us would want to give them a dose of their own medicine!), but most likely they have only been using this as their survival strategy or this is the only way of managing people they have learned from someone. If you tell them how it makes you feel, and how they can change for the better, so the two of you can work as a team, if you give them a chance, maybe things will get better? You can’t say no without trying!

Have you dealt with seniors or professors or peers or managers who frequently patronize their juniors or students?