What Makes a Crime Thriller Hero a “Real Hero” (Satire)
Starting from your childhood, how many stories have you heard? Initially, it would have been fables and cartoons, then you would grow up to hear about how God saved his people, telling you that is why you should pray sincerely, and then, whether you like it or not, you’ll be exposed to stories from the crime thriller genre. Everyone’s always talking about these blockbuster movies. Not watching these would make you an outcast.
I don’t know about you, but I love thrillers. I think the thriller genre has seen some of the best writers. Now, without any further ado, let’s see the checklist, a list of characteristics or personality traits that makes a crime thriller hero a “real hero”.
He prefers his coffee dark, and everyone around him better keep that in mind. Not because he’s vegan or anything, but because his mentor/senior preferred dark coffee, and his mentor’s mentor also preferred dark coffee, … it’s a “real man” thing.
He is single. He could either be divorced or never married or he has never fallen in love or his partner died or whatever, but this is mandatory: a hero, at least in the beginning of the story has to be single.
Because of his professional life, he does not have a personal life. The excuse for him being single is that his line of work is “dangerous”, so he can’t afford to have a relationship or children. Women around the world thank you for this conscious choice you have made, hero. We are grateful, really.
He has very few contacts and allies. He keeps to himself, is very private, trusts none, has many admirers at work, some are even jealous of him, and he has very few allies. He would listen to none of them, but everyone always looks up to him.
He is a rule-breaker. Now, this is one rule writers and directors of thrillers can’t afford to break: a hero is always a rule-breaker. He stands up against authorities and does not listen to his superiors because his foremost concern is “fighting for justice”.
His superior knows his department can’t function without the hero: Despite repeatedly breaking rules, despite annoying his superiors often, he still never gets fired because … if he gets fired, how will the story continue? No, we mean, he does not get fired because he is an irreplaceable asset to the crime-fighting department.
He is a man of strong instinct. How does he know what he knows? Don’t ask too many questions, okay? He somehow knows and that’s it. No, no, he doesn’t use AI or anything; it’s just a “strong instinct”. Nobody in the department, even the technical geniuses can foresee something horrible that’s about to happen, but the hero somehow always sees it coming. And he is always right. He can smell evil from a mile away. Maybe he would have made a good dog, you know?
He loves dogs. Speaking of dogs, he loves dogs. There are so many animals, so many pet animals, and he could love cats, bunnies, fish, pigs, horses, just any animal, but no, he loves dogs and only dogs. Aptly named “(real) man’s best friend”. Don’t you dare misbehave with a dog, or he’ll kill you!
Just because he is single, that does not mean he does not have sex! Hey, we only told you he’s single, but we don’t want you ever doubting his sexuality or sexual orientation. It’s to prevent you from asking such questions and only to satisfy the character’s primitive urges that there would always be women swooning over him. Does the government pay for this as well? Okay, so now we know what happens to the public money.
A fair-skinned woman, the lead actress, with an hourglass figure falls for him seeing his stunts. Stunts serve two purposes: one is pleasing the male audience and the other is making a fair-skinned, fit, naive woman realize how much he turns her on, again, to please the male audience. And it is extremely important that this woman always be a young one. A beautiful woman with so many men after her, she’d still reject all those other men and choose the hero. Because indeed, he’s the only real man.
Cis-heterosexual men tell cis-heterosexual men what women would find attractive in men. Totally reliable information that must be!
He is patriotic. He doesn’t have to prove it, but you know it. While he does not care for anybody and has no feelings ever, he values his country more than anything. Why? Because patriotism sells, especially with a brainwashed audience, simple.
He loves his country and his job, but does he ever get justice? No. He’s often betrayed by his country, yet that does not derail his commitment to hiw work or change his loyalty to his land. That’s how you should be, too.
A Tough, Powerful Villain can Never be a She. That’s right. We already told you we don’t want you to question his masculinity, and a hero’s “heroism” is measured only by who he fights against and defeats, so it has to be another male like our hero, except that this other male enjoys a life our hero would secretly want to live (running illegal businesses and having several women around him all the time, for example). A female villain? Come on!
He has a tragic past. It could be that his parents or wife and children or sibling or best friend was murdered. Or he could have witnessed murders or he might have unknowingly killed someone because of the orders he was given. Or maybe the system failed him. Or he himself was almost killed.
He comes from a dysfunctional family. We told you this already. We don’t know what connects dysfunctional families with masculinity but you never see him having nice moments with his family, that is if he even has a family!
When he drives his cars, he is always reckless and fast. Ah! Testosterone! We don’t ask how come he has never been held by traffic cops, how he has never received parking tickets, and such (maybe we are just as afraid to ask such questions as those sitting in his car’s passenger seat are). And the duty of the co-passenger is to scream. It is to be noted that usually, the car is a black suave one, but occasionally, it can also be a non-black, toy one.
His superpower is never falling physically or mentally ill. He does not need therapy ever because in his masculine opinion only “weaklings” and “pussies” go for therapy. His trauma is part of who he is and he would never go see a therapist for that because “real men keep their feelings to themselves”, which explains a lot about him. Forget depression or anxiety or panic, this man doesn’t even catch the common cold.
In real life, the guy could be supportive of domestic violence, homophobic, against therapy or psychiatry, a tax exile, and what not, but hey! All this is part of “masculinity”, don’t you think?
Here’s to dark coffee, neat whiskey, and a NOT celibate life paid for by tax payers’ money!
