Horror

Valenterror! The Top 5 Thirst Trap Movie Monsters

From the Xenomorph to Parasites

E.E.W. Christman
Feb 14 · 5 min read
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The Shape of Water (2017)

Instead of focusing on which movie monster could decimate the other, let’s ask a more compelling question: which movie monsters are the hottest? Or, more accurately, which horror movies treat their monsters as thirst traps for horror freaks?

ho would win in a fight between Freddy and Jason? Which is more powerful: a werewolf or a vampire? Could a Predator alien really take down a xenomorph? These are all, undeniably, questions. The kind of questions that come up very late at night in the middle of quarantine as you rewatch Poltergeist for the hundredth time and drink your box wine straight from its unhoused plastic bladder.

But these are also the kinds of questions that have been asked over and over again within the horror fandom. Everyone’s got their movie monster rankings, based on a combination of personal preferences and overall power. And the horror movie industry itself has capitalized on these questions, producing titles like Freddy vs. Jason and Alien vs. Predator, which are almost certainly movies.

But real cinematic prowess doesn’t come from raw strength; it comes from screen presence, charisma, and, yes, unfiltered — and often uncomfortable — sexual energy. Instead of focusing on which movie monster could decimate the other, let’s ask a more compelling question: which movie monsters are the hottest? Or, more accurately, which horror movies treat their monsters as thirst traps for horror freaks?

In celebration of Valentine’s Day (the thirstiest in recent memory, with all activities on indefinite hiatus, romantic or otherwise), this list will celebrate the movie monsters that I would personally let haunt my hollows.

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The Xenomorph from Alien: Covenant (2017), Image courtesy Channel 4

5. The Xenomorph

I’ve got two words: eggs and phalluses. Eggs and phalluses until the end of time! Even the baby xenomorph is kind of penile (poor Kane). Also, everything is just dripping wet in Alien. Why is there a room on a spaceship that is just leaking water from the ceiling? No cargo ship needs a creepy chains-and-drippy-water room.

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Slither (2006), Image courtesy Simbasible.com

4. The Slither Parasites

This movie is hot for teacher. LITERALLY, the first scene with Elizabeth Banks is a shot of her ass. And the Parasite Prime is her husband. The entire plot revolves around this sad, kind of horrible man and his failing marriage, and the awkward love triangle between them and Nathan Fillion. Plus there’s that whole bathroom scene that looks like a bathtime reenactment of a sperm and ovum. Not to mention the entire film has this body inflation vibe. It’s really only one scene, but boy howdy, does it stick with you.

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Pinhead, Hellraiser (1987), and Angelique from Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), image courtesy Bloodydisgusting.com

3. The Cenobites (but mostly Pinhead)

This one’s for the bottoms, the subs, the BDSM freaks who own more leather harnesses than practical underwear. The Hellraiser franchise pushes a pain as pleasure narrative that is definitely for the kinksters out there. I mean, the Cenobites are technically hellspawn, but really, they just look like 90’s ravers, or Matrix cosplayers. As their leader and franchise frontman, the infamous Pinhead kind of looks like what happens when you make an R-rated Parasite Eve boss.

2. The Fright Night Vampire

Ok, the campy Humperdink vampire flick may be a hard sell on a list like this, and to that, I will please call your attention to the nightclub scene. It is…something. Like, sexy vampire rave is definitely a thing; we’ve seen it in Underworld, Blade, etc. But Fright Night’s Club Radio scene blows them all away, at least where gratuitous inappropriateness is concerned. Yes, there are long, sultry looks. Yes, there is spinning and touching. And grinding. And a moment where it looks like Amy is about to give Humperdink a blowjob right there on the dancefloor.

Also, her hair gets a magical vampiric blowout as she makes her way to the dance floor? Whatever, this scene is horny af for Chris Sarandon, which is why the Humperdink vampire is, against all odds, the thirstiest vampire. Plus, this song is a total bop.

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The Shape of Water (2017), image courtesy SyFy Wire

1. The Amphibian

An obvious but deserving choice. The Shape of Water is not a horror movie per se, but it does feature an extremely infamous movie monster: the amphibian from The Creature from the Black Lagoon (or at least inspired by said amphibian). The Shape of Water chooses to answer the question: but what if someone had fucked that monster? And then it goes on to explain how one would go about fucking such a monster. Fairly explicitly. This movie was out for about two seconds before artists were selling fish-man dildos on Etsy like hot cakes. The Shape of Water wasn’t just hot for Fish Man; it made the world hot for Fish Man.

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E.E.W. Christman

Written by

Queerdo. Writer. Gamer. Witchy. She/They. https://linktr.ee/eewchristman

Interstellar Flight Magazine

Interstellar Flight Magazine publishes essays on science fiction and fantasy, pop culture, and geek fandom. This publication is a project of Interstellar Flight Press, a speculative publishing house.

E.E.W. Christman

Written by

Queerdo. Writer. Gamer. Witchy. She/They. https://linktr.ee/eewchristman

Interstellar Flight Magazine

Interstellar Flight Magazine publishes essays on science fiction and fantasy, pop culture, and geek fandom. This publication is a project of Interstellar Flight Press, a speculative publishing house.

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