How I Got My Wife to Ask for “It” After 30 Years of Intimacy
This is my story of how I got my wife to ask for me to go down on her for the first time.
In over 30 years.
And of how I went from being in a sex-deprived marriage (once a month, if I’m lucky) to a minimum of twice per week, though it’s more like every other day now and we can’t keep our hands off of each other anymore.
Two nights ago, my wife actually asked me to go down on her.
For the first time…
In over 30 years of being intimate.
All this time, every time I’ve tried to engage in cunnilingus, she has politely, but firmly, moved my face towards hers, and asked for penetrative intercourse.
I blame our upbringing on this
You see, we grew up in fairly conservative households.
For me, however, for the most part, I was a rebel so didn’t essentially subscribe to the societal norms, especially about sex.
I’ve been into porn, sex toys, and to some extent, bondage.
My wife, however, grew up to be a traditionally hush-hush when it comes to conversations about sex.
For both of us, it was something to be enjoyed, definitely, but in the dark, and not explored or experimented with, openly.
It was definitely not meant to be a tool for what I think is undeniably the best pleasure you can ever have.
So, every time I brought up the subject of going down on her to bring her all the way over the edge, she would gently answer in the negative and persuade me to have sex in the more traditional missionary style.
Sometimes she came, and many times she didn’t.
After all, statistically, less than 25% of women are able to orgasm regularly with vaginal intercourse.
So, what brought about this change, after such a long time in our relationship?
For the longest time (almost 15 years) I’ve complained about her never taking an interest, and considered myself as the one who is always the one to initiate sex, while blaming her (secretly for the most part) as simply fulfilling her duties as it is something to be done.
I approached this problem from a marketing perspective.
I know you’ll probably judge me for treating my wife like my customer, but here’s the thing.
This one question changed my life forever.
What’s in it for her?
Almost all of the talk you hear about sex counseling and lack of libido and everything around it is made out to be so complex, that my head hurt every time I tried to fix my relationship.
Lack of bedroom satisfaction led to massive troubles in an otherwise love-based marriage.
So, I put on my marketer’s hat and started to think.
Now, we are programmed (At least I am, since I’m a marketer in my day job) to think like a customer, live and breathe like them, look at life like them, including possessing knowledge of stuff like
- What they do on any given day
- What magazines do they read?
- What blogs do they visit?
- What emails do they subscribe to; and so on and so forth?
It’s extremely hard to build out a buyer persona, but nevertheless, I got on the task.
As it turns out, it was the easiest buyer persona I have ever created.
My wife is into a lot of things as an individual, and I was always on the side-lines for most of them, thinking they’re either “cuckoo” or at best, attributed them to “her freedom of choice” and conveniently stepped away.
I don’t mean weird stuff, but I mean things like believing in Astrology, principles of Fengshui, Religion, and all.
Then I tried to figure out her life’s goals.
Believe it or not, but I didn’t even realize what she wanted to do with her life growing up, etc.
However, it wasn’t that hard to figure out, since we weren’t fighting as such.
Now, remember this.
Men have sex with their bodies while women have sex with their minds.
In the history of evolution, women have generally preferred men that can provide them with emotional security. Someone who can help them bring up a child, and therefore, they’re programmed to feel emotionally connected with someone, that gives them that peace of mind.
When my wife started to see me taking an interest in things that matter to her, the emotional locks started to open.
Things that I had neglected all my marriage, stuff such as placing crystals on your table to attract energy, was critical to break that first barrier.
I didn’t become a believer, remember, I still hold my beliefs. However, I downright don’t dis-enfranchise them but instead, read more about it, talk to her about it, and discuss with her about this stuff.
When you’re talking to a customer in the language that they understand, about “their” pain points, about what will give them a feeling of comfort, you will have a customer for life.
So, once I had the doorway into her mind, I knew I could at least hold a conversation with her on things that mattered to “her”
This took care of the stuff that made her happy.
Now, the second thing I did was to begin finding her pain points in general.
What does she do on an everyday basis, that I might be able to help with?
Something like prepping vegetables at 5 in the morning when she cooks lunch, so that her task is easy, and she can find time to work out before heading off to work.
It made a huge difference.
She started to notice my involvement, and it only took me 15–20 minutes every morning.
Sometimes, an hour or so in a week to fold the laundry while she’s at her work definitely helped.
So, this took care of the pain.
Now, I started building upon this momentum and began her active participation for my help.
The third thing I did was to ask for her opinion, texting her during the day on the plan for the dinner and things like that.
Not just to talk, but to actually see if I can help prepare something, or at least pick up the groceries from the store.
She started to notice that I’m stepping out of my own comfort zone, and into her territory to help with her workload.
These three things have now mentally supercharged my relationship.
Fourth and fifth things were primarily by chance, but now I can’t tell you how important those are.
The fourth skill was when I started learning about how to pleasure a woman WITHOUT using your penis.
Sex, for the most part, has been performed with the end goal of orgasm for both parties involved.
And this causes a major problem.
You see, women take at least twice, if not three times as long as men, to orgasm, and that creates what is called an “orgasm gap”
There’s nothing anyone can do about it, it’s just how we’re biologically programmed.
For centuries after centuries, we’ve classified men who can last longer in bed as “supermen” and all men aspire to be there.
And yet, less than 25% of women orgasm during a PIV session. Less than a quarter!!
So, how do the rest of the women orgasm?
With clitoral stimulation, of course.
And that is where the fourth step comes in.
Learn how to perform clitoral stimulation with your fingers (very very very gently) and your tongue.
Fifth, and possibly the most important technique I learned is called Savoring
Sex is a minimum 30–45 minute exercise, where only the last 5 minutes is actual sex. Everything else is foreplay and preparing for the actual pleasure.
This is when you savor her body, like you would savor a delicious meal. Enjoy every bite, every lick, every kiss, every touch.
During the first 90% of the time you are having sex, you are only enjoying and taking pleasure for yourself and in turn, will automatically pleasure your partner.
You do this by nibbling, kissing, licking every part of their body, which fueled by the mental and emotional connection they’ve felt with you all day will bring them to a state of sexual stimulation you haven’t seen before.
Then, you simply will be able to give them an intense orgasm within a few minutes.
Or maybe a couple of orgasms, in succession.
Do you know what this does?
Leaves them with a deeply satisfying experience. And wanting more, as soon as they can.
And you know what customers do when you leave them with that feeling?
They become repeat buyers.
CONCLUSION
So, basically, when I started giving my wife the overall ownership of our sexual experience, in my mind (like I give to my customers in my business) I started to enjoy the rewards fairly quickly. In two weeks at best.
Side Note
Have you heard of a yoni massage? If not, check out some stuff on Youtube. Also called Tantric sex, it isn’t fun at all, but nevertheless, I offered it once or twice, so it was what gave her the feeling that I’m concerned about her pleasure without mine, and she became more receptive to my ideas of going all the way to an orgasm with an Oral.
Believe it or not, while we’ve done Oral stuff before, and we’ve been having sex for over 30 years now, the first time I made her come was this year
Go figure!!
