An intimate interview| Jill
The strength of our community is the people, learn a little about how different people engage in a sexy adult lifestyle.
It was only a few short years ago that Jill was a headed down a very straight laced path, long term relationships, her sex life was very ‘vanilla’ as they say…
Vanilla is the term that kinksters often use to describe sex without the kink. Personally, this seems like a perfect description. There is nothing bad about vanilla ice-cream, and gooooood vanilla ice-cream can be amazing, especially the french vanilla kind. Sometimes though it is nice to enjoy a little Italian gelato, or some rich Belgium chocolate ice-cream and sometimes you might want a mix of all three, topped with whipped cream have hot chocolate sauce being dripped slowly onto your ice-cream.
You can have that on sexy sundae on a Sunday and still enjoy your vanilla on Monday, that is the beauty of so many of these welcoming, embracing communities, rarely are they all or nothing. You aren’t categorised by your chosen pleasures, unless you yourself select to do so.
If ever you have thought about about kink, but then doubted yourself that you aren’t that person, or you aren’t ready, then take the time to read about a woman who like her vanilla but thought just maybe she’d like to try some sprinkles and has never looked back… The sprinkles are here for good….
How do you describe your involvement in the world of adult?
Jill: I’m involved in the world of BDSM, predominantly as a Submissive. This means that when I play or have sex I often give up control to another dominant person. I am also a Masochist which means I derive pleasure from receiving pain. And sometimes I’m a Switch — this is a broad label and what it means can vary massively from person to person, but for me it means that on occasion I enjoy taking on a sadistic role and dishing out pain. My enjoyment of this is not because I’m sick and twisted (ok…maybe just a little bit hehe) but because I like to give back what I have received and enjoyed. It’s not about control for me, I just love giving pleasure and facilitating experiences.
Tell us a little about how you started to explore this initially?
Jill: At first it was messing around with a fuckbuddy, it started with spanking, then onto crops etc. Then I met a dom through tinder and after that I started going to some events, it was a slow gradual process.
How do you met new people in the space?
Jill: Occasionally online, but mostly though events as I prefer talking face to face and making organic connections. You’ll find me quite often at swingers parties, kink events and shibari socials.
What role has trust and safety played in your exploration?
Jill: A massive one! Submission is all about trust. How can you give up control to someone else without trusting that they only have your best interests at heart? My safety is my number 1 priority, as such I’m very selective about the people I kink with and spend a lot of time getting to know them and building that trust.
Have you had any bad experiences when people have found out about your experiences?
Jill: Not at all, possibly due to 50 shades making this world more mainstream and talked about, I’ve only encountered curiosity. If someone did react badly however, which could potentially happen with those that are closed minded or simply uninformed on this topic, I wouldn’t take it personally. I would try to open a conversation as to why they feel that way and exploring that with them.
Favourite aspect of the community?
Jill: How accepting it is. My world was very black and white prior to exploring BDSM. It’s finding acceptance here that has in turn made me a more open minded and non judgemental person.
Biggest myth about the community you would like to dispel?
Jill: That it’s like 50 shades of grey. Its no romance novel and Mr.Grey is not a dom, he’s a possessive stalker in need of therapy.
Favourite websites and why?
Jill: Fetlife, only because it’s the best way of staying in touch with fellow kinksters and finding out about events, whilst keeping your vanilla life separate and private if needed.
What have your learnt about yourself on your journey?
Jill: I used to find it very difficult to ask for what I wanted or express my feelings. I didn’t realise this until I started my journey into BDSM and gained the communication tools I needed to be able to play safe, tools which I now also apply to my day to day life.
I also learned that I’m a lot smarter and a lot tougher than I ever realised or gave myself credit for. And that if I stopped and really listened my intuition would always guide me to the right place.
What would you tell others wanting to begin their own exploration?
Jill: Ok, well the following would be my key points to starting out.
1. Start slow, what’s the rush?
2. Trust your instincts.
3. Talk. Communication is the solution to almost all problems you will encounter.
4. Be honest, not just with others but also with yourself.
5. Be curious and ask questions, this will lead to learning.
6. Get to know yourself. You can’t ask for what you want if you don’t know what you want.
7. Make both your boundaries, hard limits and expectations crystal clear. Be respectful, safe and consensual. See below if you need any additional tutoring.
8. Make sure you are healthy mentally. Kinking with mental health problems is like drinking and driving. It’s a car crash waiting to happen.
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