Trust me, I’m a Pro Domme
An introduction into the world of BDSM to under the power dynamic and trust required to create safe and enjoyable experiences.
For those that haven’t taken the time to understand the world of fetish, kink or BDSM, it is very easy to group everything you don’t understand into one category. A kink is something you enjoy. A fetish is something without which you can’t get off. Your kink can be your fetish…. BDSM is an umbrella term that includes Bondage, Domination and submission (D/s — note the big D and the little s), Sadism and Masochism — each of which can include so many variations and subsets (spanking, flogging, restraint play humiliation and so much more). The more people learn, the more they appreciate that like most aspects of human sexuality and pleasure, it is a very diverse and nuanced for each individual.
When people think of Domination and submission, they often picture fetishes or kinks due to their increased coverage over the last few years. Most people fail to ever delve deep enough to understand the principles underlying these sensual artforms. While this article is by no means meant to be a how-to-guide or in depth study into the world of Domination and submission (people have been studying it since the 9th century B.C.), this is simply a quick overview to help you understand and point you in the direction of additional reading.
Domination and submission at a basic level tends to be just how it sounds. While one individual takes on a position of power, another individual submits to the control of the person with power. The basic ethos behind this is some people enjoy being in complete control of a scenario, having it play out exactly as they have pictured it in their mind, while other people find a sense of complete relaxation when they give up trying to control or manage a situation and allow every aspect of an experience be dictated to them.
To learn more about the intricacies of Domination and submission, we spoke to Mistress Eva, an Australian Pro Domme (Professional Domme as opposed to Lifestyle Domme who enjoys it for a personal, recreational stance) who is in demand globally (FemDomSubGirl) and operates a online course for those wishing to learn how to fully involve themselves in the lifestyle (YouWillPleaseMe). Domination can include so many different subsets. Examples of this can include control, rope play (Shibari), 24/7 lifestyle Domme/sub relationships, slave training, humiliation and financial domination (we will have another article just about this one).
“BDSM offers us an arena from which to explore each others desires and limits within a safe space. When practised holistically there are principles that are inherent to it that facilitate this. We often communicate in great detail as to our kinks, our experience, expectations; and soft & hard limits. It’s really a refreshing way to experience human interaction. I believe that my day to day has benefitted from the communication and understanding that BDSM promotes.” said Mistress Eva “As a Dominant, it makes me better equipped to take my submissives on, and further; and for my submissives it gives them the security to trust me, to let go and perhaps to be taken deeper than they could have without that negotiated safe space.”
For the experience to work, it needs to be entered into willingly. Given many of these acts (like most activities) have some degree of risk, most proponents subscribe to a philosophy of SSC (safe, sane and consensual) or RACK (risk-aware consensual kink) to ensure everybody has a clear understanding of what they are involved in. Personally, I love the high amount of safety and consent talk in the sex positive community (I think everyone could learn a little from that…).
On top of this, to ensure safety in a world where the word stop or even tears, may have been pre-determined to be perfectly ok, safe words such as red and yellow are regularly and strictly used, with red meaning that play must stop immediately (typically participants then move to a different location and discuss the previous experience), and yellow meaning that the activity needs to slow down.
We spoke to a friend of intimate who asked to remain nameless but personally identifies as a sub. She is a 34 year old successful business woman from Australia “I have had a long term, rather special relationship with my Master for several years. We have a loving long term commitment like any other. As with any relationship it was hard to find the right partner, but worth it once I found someone with whom I truly connected. It’s hard to explain to some the explosion of energy that I feel when I give complete control over to my partner, not having to think or feel self-conscious, completely surrendering to the moment.”
The trust — power paradigm is something that is at the heart of what we do at intimate.io. We constantly see a trade off trust and safety for privacy or power, we have worked hard to redefine that relationships so you don’t have to trade one for the other. People are often innately attracted to scenarios that explore this paradigm without actually knowing what it is that excites or fascinates them. Why? Because at its core, it is an expression of the human desire for safety. Trust and power is something that the BDSM community constantly explores for pleasure. Allowing individuals to explore their own limits and desires while minimizing risk is part of our overarching mission of safety for all.
On the topic of Trust, Mistress Eva had this to say “As a Pro Domme establishing a trusted relationship and getting to understand my submissives is essential to facilitating a satisfying experience. You often don’t get a lot of time to do this in a professional context so at least intermediate negotiation skills and emotional intelligence are crucial to the work itself. As a Lifestyle Domme, you get more time to understand the nuances of motivation, personality and preference — but the necessity for trust and understanding is just the same for a satisfying and productive personal D/s relationship. Without this foundation, your work or personal relationships will never push towards their full potential. I doubt that any Dommes seriously committed to the lifestyle would ever dispute the prominence that trust and understanding takes as a cornerstone — even before play.”
Domination and submission is just one of a range of experiences and indulgences that many people enjoy. Like any area of sexual exploration, it is often misunderstood, judged and frowned upon — especially until actually meet someone who is actively involved in that community. People have many misconceptions about what a Domme/sub relationship is or might be. Whilst there are many different type of Domme/sub relationships, typically it is a deeply respectful relationship between consenting adults who have communicated about desires and boundaries ahead of any activity and whom have an excellent grasp of power dynamics in relationships.
— A special thanks must go to Mistress Eva for being so gracious with her time. We look forward to many of our intimate token holders signing up to her services and paying with ITM soon!
If you are interested in learning more, there are some great twitter accounts to follow that regularly post on this topic:
@YouWillPleaseMe
@FemDomSubGirl
@fetlife
@BDSM
@bdsm_group
@DommeDaily
@historyofBDSM
@LovingBDSM (feat. @KaylaLords and @SouthernSirsPl)
There are some excellent sources online, including some amazing online training run by Mistress Eva, see http://youwillpleaseme.com/
Two other great resources are:
https://www.kink.com/page/bdsm-resources/
https://fetlife.com/
