If It Ain’t Woke, Don’t Fuck It: The Resistance-Era Dating Test
Want to join the dating app Snoflake? Just answer these 11 simple questions.
I n a world where nothing is normal anymore (not that normal was ever that great for most of us), one thing has actually become slightly easier: online dating.
It used to be treacherous to wade through a sea of profiles and photos, trying to glean from arbitrary details if someone was a match. “They listen to Solange? They are clearly culturally and socially awa — oh, no they just said that women comedians aren’t funny. Hard swipe left.”
But now that politics is at the forefront of every conversation, debate dominates our feeds and minds, and protests are filling up our nights and weekends, it’s more acceptable to cut to the chase and see where people stand.
This also means it’s easier than ever to spot a basic bitch and back away quickly.
Some believe this new era has created division. I am here for that division.
Some believe this new era has created division. I am here for that division. I am here for saying “fuck nuance.” You either totally get it, or you don’t get it at all. Some people want us to reach across the divide, to listen to each other and come to a compromise. As if the steps to dismantling white supremacist patriarchy are just suggestions that we can pick and choose from, like frozen yogurt toppings.
I will not be reaching across that divide, and I’m certainly not gonna do it in the bedroom. I do not consider spending my energy teaching someone how to be a human being a sexy pursuit. My dating motto in recent years — and especially now — is this: “If it ain’t woke, don’t fuck it.”
The problem lies in actually finding these unicorns. Every dating app is the same because every dating app has the same trash people on it. The only differences in these apps are the interfaces through which to harass or ignore each other.
So, I propose a new app. Let’s call it Snoflake, because we’re all so beautiful and unique and for no other reason. Snoflake will be a safe space where “cucks,” “libtards,” “SJWs,” and “nasty women” can find that special someone. It’s spelled weird because dating app. To join Snoflake you must pass the following 11-question test. Once you pass you are allowed to join and create your profile.
Of course, passing the test is only the first step to finding your perfect socially aware unicorn. After joining the app, you still have to match up on all the usual factors like compatibility, humor, attraction, acting-like-a-grown-ass-person-who-treats-your-sexual-partner-like-a-grown-ass-person-yes-even-if-the-relationship-is-casual, and a billion other things. (Just because someone uses the raised fist emoji on the regs doesn’t mean they won’t be a nightmare in a relationship.) That shit is still up in the air, but at least this test filters out the riffraff and deplorables, taking care of some basic fundamental values up top.
1. Are you a feminist?
a) Absolutely, I am. I hope we can talk about it a lot and learn some new things about feminism together.
b) Nah. I think women should be treated equally, but feminists think women are better than men. The word itself is such a problem, ya know?
c) Feminazis are the worst. Sexism is over. I wish they’d relax and stop complaining. These days men are the real victims.
d) Hell yeah, I’m a feminist. I’m the best feminist. Let me tell you how feminist I am. I’m so feminist I tell every woman I know to stop wearing makeup, because I prefer them without it. I’m so feminist I think we need a matriarchy, because men are inherently the worst and there’s nothing we can do to fix that, so women should be responsible for everything. Now hush and let me keep talking over you to tell you all the things I do for feminism. I am gonna teach you so much about feminism.
2. OK cool. Use the word “intersectionality” correctly in a sentence.
3. You’re at work and your colleague makes a joke that is sexist/racist/homophobic/ableist/etc. You:
a) Call them out on it immediately and explain why it isn’t funny.
b) Roll your eyes and complain to your friends about it later.
c) Politely laugh along, even though you feel uncomfortable, but eventually forget about it.
d) Keep the banter going and top it with an even better joke. That shit is hilarious. People need to stop being so PC and chill out!
4. Julian Assange is ___________.
a) a traitor.
b) a hero.
c) probs a rapist.
d) cool with Nazis.
e) Both c and d.
Your wounds will get along great with mine.theestablishment.co
5. What does cisgender mean? (No Googling, boo.)
6. It’s Halloween! Pick your costume:
a) Donald Trump. He’s so orange and silly and also I have no imagination!
b) An Indian chief with full headdress (still got one from that festival last summer).
c) Probably something topical or a clever pun. I’ll figure it out the week before.
d) Nothing because I am joyless.
7. Which was the best season of RuPaul’s Drag Race?
a) Four, obviously. But six and eight are pretty great. (Also, I know the show can be problematic, but I can watch it with a critical eye while still appreciating the brilliant things about it.)
b) OMG I totes wanna watch it, but I just haven’t had time yet. Maybe we could Drag Race and Chill sometime? (Also, I’ve heard the show can be problematic, but I can watch it with a critical eye while still appreciating the brilliant things about it.)
c) Is that like a NASCAR show? Haven’t heard of it.
d) I do not watch television because I am joyless.
8. Name three Manic Pixie Dream Girls from popular media and explain why they are problematic.
9. Black Lives Matter
c) Actually, I prefer to say “All Lives Matter” because I am an ignorant piece of shit.
10. How did Donald Trump win the 2016 U.S. Presidential election?
a) By running on a platform of white supremacy and misogyny, appealing to conservative white America’s desire to maintain power over marginalized groups, and capitalizing on the complicity of liberal white Americans who benefit from that power and didn’t take enough accountability to change it.
b) He listened to the white working classes (aka America’s most oppressed and forgotten group) and promised to make their lives great again with his dope business skills.
c) Hillary’s emails and identity politics. Seriously, she’s the worst. And it didn’t help that women, queer folk, and people of color wouldn’t shut up about wanting some human rights. If they’d piped down and appeased white guys we wouldn’t be in this mess. Also Bernie would’ve won, and it has nothing to do with gender, okay?
11. Are you woke?
a) I’m woke AF and always have been.
b) You can’t call yourself woke, just like you can’t give yourself a nickname. I’m uncomfortable using that word, not only because it is often misappropriated, but because I still have a lot to learn and always will.
c) Do you mean awake? Say it correctly. I am a grammar snob, because I am joyless.
Good luck and swipe ya later on Snoflake!
A note: It’s important to remember that this kind of awareness is a journey, not a destination. Plenty of my friends would get a few of these wrong and they are wonderful people. So if you don’t pass this test right away, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It just means you can’t join my dating app.