Are You An Addict? I Am.
Addiction Chapter From Un-Crap Your Life
I AM AN ADDICT
Before I go into the gnarly details of my addiction, I want to mention that I never got a DUI, jail time or any other legal repercussions from my addiction. I did come dangerously close a few times, though. One incident I will never disclose publicly.
I mostly abused alcohol because it was easier to find, but I would never turn down pills or any other kind of mind-altering substances. I smoked weed every day when I was 18 years old, but later on, I couldn’t tolerate it all. It made me catatonic for some reason. I held down a job throughout the entire time I was addicted to alcohol. It was difficult though, because my mornings became clouded and I began having issues with my memory and moods.
Here’s the chapter on addiction from my book:
I’m the kind of person who becomes upset when a good movie ends because I want the good feelings to last forever. When I went to parties, I was the last one to leave. Let’s analyze what’s going on here. I enjoy fantastical and pleasing feelings. My mind enjoys being in a state of fantasy and freedom. My brain craves it. Drugs provide a shortcut to good moods. Achieving an amazing life goal takes years of hard, focused energy. With drugs, the good feelings arrive instantly. I’ve become addicted to everything I’ve ever tried. That’s why I never tried heroin, meth or other nasty and expensive drugs. I knew they would eventually kill me.
Right now I’m addicted to the internet. In my teens, when I was a high fashion model, I was bulimic. Later, I became an alcoholic, got addicted to cigarettes, drugs and then much later, I became a fantasy addict. Fantasy addiction is a kind of sex addiction. I became obsessed with people who didn’t like me and who would never want me in a sexual way. I wanted to find out if I could ever get that person to sleep with me, to want me. Deep down I knew it wasn’t possible. Masochists fall victim to this sort of thing. I think I’m still in the process of getting myself healed in this area. This topic is really extensive and I want to explore it in great detail, so look for my future book, I Was A Germaphobic Fantasy Addict.
Alcohol released a lot of my stress. In social situations, my anxiety dissolved a little more with each drink. I went from pathetic to über confident after consuming three Long Island ice teas. I suddenly felt attractive, capable and witty. I never wanted those feelings to end, so I kept drinking. It also created a shortcut to my fantastical dreamworld. I wanted to feel amazing and confident and live out my creative visions. I felt connected to everyone and everything when I was drunk. I wanted to give my mind a break from its tendency to overzealously control my impulses, thoughts, and actions and drinking alcohol was the only thing I knew for sure worked.
Isolation played a big role in my addictions. Even in college I had a tendency to be alone. When life goes wrong, I tend to go off in a corner and lick my wounds. I spend a great deal of time processing pain and my natural method of coping is to hide my weaknesses from others. The idea of sharing my pain in real time, face to face is unnatural to me. This seems to be my core personality trait that has been with me since birth. I don’t see it changing anytime soon. Although if I finish this book, I guess anything is possible.
Drinking alcohol worked so well that I became dependent on it in no time to solve my dark moods, social anxiety, depression, boredom and feelings of self-hate. Alcohol seemed to solve so many of my mental problems at once, I couldn’t imagine a future without it. I used to proclaim during my drunken episodes, “I am made for drinking! Drinking is made for me! I will never be without it for it dances happily through my veins!” Everything was artificially wonderful until the next morning. Horrible doesn’t even come close to describing my hangovers. I usually wanted to peel my skin off and jump into the abyss after a night of heavy drinking.
I drank on and off for about 18 years. Then in 2009, my body had had enough of processing alcohol. I would frequently get sick the next morning after drinking and it was obvious I needed to stop. After seeing a shrink, I was given Paxil. This drug worked really well and I quit smoking and drinking without even trying. It had other strange side effects, but that’s another story. Even before taking Paxil I had begun to replace some of my addictive behaviors with creating art.
I also had a horrifying experience that woke up my mind to the realization I had a big problem with drinking. One situation happened in Los Angeles around 2006. Taschen Publishing created an international online contest called Schlaupelz. There were ten collages with each one containing ten different partial images. Each image came from a different Taschen book cover, and whoever correctly identified the author and title of all 100 images won the contest. I spent a solid three months working on this contest so it’s not surprising I won. Every person I mentioned this contest to told me I was silly for thinking I had a chance at winning. I didn’t listen to anyone. I just continued to work on it every day after getting home from work.
My winning prize was an all-expenses paid trip to Los Angeles for two and I got to meet two Taschen writers of my choice. I chose Sven Kirsten and Dian Hanson. Sven was a German cinematographer who wrote The Book of Tiki and based in Los Angeles. Dian wrote or edited all the sexually explicit books for Taschen and one of her most recent titles at the time was The Big Penis Book. Sven and Dian were complete opposites and it was amusing to watch Sven’s obvious discomfort when we arrived at Jumbo’s Clown Room, an arty dance/strip club where the dancers pick out their own songs and make their own costumes. This was of course Dian’s choice of venue. At the Clown Room I spent most of the time learning about Dian’s obsessive interest in sexual themes. I found her to be a very curious person. I had never met a woman who was so comfortable in her own skin and so open about her interest in sexual topics.
After this exciting night with the Taschen writers, I felt over-stimulated and ready for more. I didn’t want the excitement to end and suggested to my friend that we have some drinks at the hotel bar. She didn’t want to do that. She decided to retire for the evening. I wanted to celebrate my amazing win and take it further. I decided to go to the hotel bar by myself and have a few celebratory drinks…..or ten.
After sucking down three gin and tonics, I met two brothers. One of them had long curly brown hair and was a bit revolting physically. I remember thinking I would never be interested in him if I was sober. I don’t remember too many details about them but we all decided to go to their room after drinking heavily at the bar. I made out with both of them and I have only sketchy memories of what took place, but I do remember kissing both of them, one right after the other. Later on, they helped me back to my room. I woke up the next morning with gigantic, melon-sized bruises on my hip and chest. I had no memory of how I got them and it scared the crap out of me. I thought I must have fallen down, but I wasn’t sure and the not being sure part is what scared me the most. The day I found those bruises was the day I realized I had some big problems to solve. I could have easily been murdered by those brothers since they were complete strangers. It was time for my drinking to end. But there was something more horrible waiting to happen, eight years later.
This story is from a chapter of my book, Un-Crap Your Life. You can buy my book here on Amazon.
Leah Stephens is a writer, artist, experimenter and person.
I’m currently reading Jason Theodor who reminds me to create and release something uncomfortable/vulnerable every day. This is it for today!
