Being Old Sucks

I’m old. Like pushing 60 old. It doesn’t always feel old. Not too bad. But….

There is an old woman in the mirror with grey hair (an awesome white natural streak though), double chin, over weight and a major health issue that has the ability to hold her down at times.

Did I say getting old sucks?

There are regrets….

I shouldn’t have married (that self-absorbed asshole) my second husband.

Wish I had (not pissed away my inheritance) saved more money.

I have those.. But they aren’t the ones I’m thinking of.

The 2008 economy crash took me out. I lost my shop and home and filed bankruptcy. 
 My cats kept me from killing myself. (no really.)

Epic fail.

Total do over. Ctrl + Alt+ Delete.

Blank slate except for a shit load of fabric, a sewing machine, three cats and a trailer filled with the rest of my crap I couldn’t live without. (like my bed.)

I needed to make some cash of course.

Sewing upcycled clothing in my mom’s basement for starters.

Selling online made me see there is so much more!! So many possibilities for supporting myself.

I knew what is happening in the world. Earning a living was changing. Working for Mr. Big Corporation sucks unless you can code and work in Silicon Valley making the big bucks. Seriously how can people afford houses starting at 1 million dollars! My first house was $50K.

The cool kids are all making money online.

But then the realization kicked in and…

That’s where the regrets come in.

I’m just not that smart! No, really. All this stuff is so over my head. It is just beyond my reach. I’m almost 60 fucking years old!

And it hurts. It sucks the life out of me at times.

They didn’t teach computer stuff when I was in school. I remember when a computer took up the whole floor at IBM. I know, I saw it. I even remember seeing the women sitting at the machine that made the punch cards used to program it. My dad was a programmer for IBM back in the day.

In high school I got classes learning the electric typewriter and short hand which I believe I failed the latter.

I have always wanted to own my own business. (I don’t play well with others.)

It’s being a day late and a dollar short for me most of the time. Never quite smart enough or access to the needed resources. I’m my own struggle. But I feel like there was so much I missed in my youth as far as what I should have been learning.

Now there is Tim Ferris talking about a Four Hour Work Week and James Altucher telling me to Choose Yourself, and more self-help books than I could ever read in my lifetime! I’m overwhelmed and Just not that smart!

My retirement fund is nonexistent. I’ll get about $1000 to live on with SSI (if I’m lucky).

I’m in survival mode. Survival mode is not fun at my age. People can end up living on the street. Yeah, I have my mom. (It was the worst place I could imagine ending up and a whole different story. So much bad juju there.)

So here I am, in constant learning mode. Struggling to learn what most 20 to 40 somethings have naturally absorbed. It’s frustrating.

You guys scare me! You are smart, creative, and innovative and somehow pulling the new world order together. At least it’s what it looks like from my basement window.

So that is my rant. I just had to. I’m pushing on. I’m not one to give up easily.

I want to join the cool kids. I know my writing sucks right now. It will get better.( God, I hope so.) I have to start somewhere right?

Rant over….Until next time.