Broken Inside

It all started five years ago, when I first met this girl. She was one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen and, at that moment, I knew I was in love. We had some classes together, so it was kind of easy to get along with her. We became friends, but I wanted something more. We saw each other every day, and they passed and more in love I fell. My first mistake was to tell her what I was feeling, but this is just the beginning. I was so in love that when she told me she just wanted friendship, I felt totally broken. I got depressed for the first time, and we stopped talking, because being her friend was hurting me more and more.

A year and half (or more) has passed until we began to talk again. I thought I had forgot her, well, I kind of forgot her, but I was wrong. I missed her so much that when we met again we talked for what felt like hours. We became friends once again, and I didn’t knew what I was feeling, I lied to myself every time telling I wasn’t in love. But once again I felt in love with her, and I was so in love I couldn’t hold myself and told what I was feeling. And again she told me she just wanted friendship. We stayed friends for a time, but it was hurting me ’cause I loved her so much, I couldn’t be only her friend. I tried as much as I could to be her friend, but it was hurting me.

Wikipedia image by Hendrike

I couldn’t help myself that I’ve reached a point where I cut my own wrists, when she discovered that she got so mad at me that the very next day she slapped my face and didn’t speak with me for the rest of the day. That was when we started discussing.

We even tried to fix the things, but it went horribly, I wanted to punch her that day. All the love I felt for her became hate. After that we never spoke anymore. I’m sorry for all I did, and I even asked forgiveness from her, but I’m not ready to be her friend again and, honestly, I don’t know if I will ever be again.

After all, I have changed, I’m no longer the one I used to be, I am all broken now. On the outside I look all right, but inside I am emotionally unstable, I have some depression crises… I try to look as good as I can, but sometimes it is hard. I’m affectionate, but just because I’m all broken and know how hard it is to not being loved and don’t want others to feel it because they don’t deserve it. Now I really don’t know what to do, I have thought of running away to try to find myself, but I have nowhere to go; I even thought of suicide but now some people started saying I am important to them, even not knowing what I have gone through, and it cheered me up a little. I’m desperate.