Fuck it, I’m Putting My Book On Medium For Free Because It’s Not Selling On Amazon.
All content is copyright ©2015–16 Stellabelle. You may not copy or reproduce any of this without my written permission.
Self-publishing is a bitch when you have low self-esteem and are averse to self-pimping.
Self-promotion feels a lot like masturbation and I’m getting tired of the way my fingers smell after I do it.
But I have to do it. I dislike the way the traditional publishing industry operates — I hate the lack of creative control.
I just checked my stats on Amazon KDP and I’ve sold one book in an entire month. Fuck. This is not going the way I imagined. It did pretty well in the very beginning and I advertised as much as possible with a very meager advertising budget.
But now it has dropped off the cliff entirely. No buzz, no nothing. No media coverage, no prominent bloggers covering it, no HuffPost reviews, dead, nothing, zero, obliterated. Worse than dead: ghost-like void of shame hovering inside Amazon’s mighty walls.
I even made a fucking video book trailer. People tell me all the time, “Oh crap! That book trailer was hysterical!” Even other people besides my friends said my book trailer was amazing and off-the-wall. Guess how many views it has? 43. Again, no buzz, no virality, nothing. Just a sad number of views, not even in the hundreds. Judge for yourself:
Now, you might be thinking, “Oh poor baby. How pathetic. Mumble. Grumble. Poor white privileged woman…..” And you might be correct, to a certain degree. You might say, “Well, your book might not be that good.” Again, you might be correct.
BUT I WORKED FOR 6 SIX SOLID FUCKING MONTHS ON WRITING, DESIGNING, EDITING, AGONIZING, FIGURING OUT SELF-PUBLISHING, CRITIQUING, UNDER-GOING MASSIVE SELF-DOUBT AND……DURING THE ENTIRE TIME, HOLDING DOWN A FULL-TIME JOB AND RAISING A DAUGHTER BY MY FUCKING SELF WITH NO SUPPORT FROM THE SPERM DONOR.
I’m fucking sick of being invisible. And yes, I have patience. I have so much fucking patience. In fact, I have way too much fucking patience. And I’m detailed-oriented. I can wait. In fact, I’ve been waiting my entire fucking life for someone else to notice and properly utilize my brilliance. There, I said it. I will say it again, I think I might be brilliant. Others have said it. I frequently hear the words “brilliant” “creative” “insanely creative” to describe me, even on my LinkedIn profile. But power and money? Nope, don’t have it…………………..yet.
If I’m so fucking brilliant, why am I still invisible? Do I have to pimp myself to be seen? Do I need to send emails to prominent writers so they can help promote my book? I hate asking for help. I hate being perceived as self-promotional. There’s is something so disgusting about trying to crawl up the ladder of in/visibility and promoting oneself through others to get there. It’s gross. It lacks integrity. It’s not something to aspire to. But, wait. I think I have to. What are the options?
But, you see, I am doing so right this very second because I am so sick of my book being invisible. Dead. Ghost. Obliterated.
I plan on writing many many many many many many more books. Out of all the self-help writing gurus, the one who broke me out of my failure-coma-thinking was Elizabeth Gilbert. I listened to her Big Magic audiobook and while listening, I came to realize that I am no different from her internally. The only difference lies in how much I cultivate my imagination and believe in my creative abilities. I knew exactly what she was talking about when she mentioned that little insane Border Collie inside her mind that goes crazy without a creative outlet. It was at that moment I realized I need to make a pact with my imagination. I need to be 100% true to my creative energies and I need to get really serious about turning my creative energy into money. That’s where I am. I know in time, if I keep my commitment, my life will be full.
The magic has already started to happen, actually. Just over a week ago I made the commitment to myself to write one Medium post per day. No exceptions. I did it for nearly one week, then a writing opportunity came my way through an entrepreneur group called Choose Yourself. I grabbed it. I negotiated my rate. I was hired as a writer for the Interesting Engineering website. You see, my commitment to myself made me aware that I can indeed write one article per day. I proved it to myself, so when an opportunity arose that demanded I write one article per day, I already knew I could do it.
Two days ago, I checked my PayPal account, and there it was, my first chunk of money from my creative pursuits! Awesome and exactly what I’ve been wanting for many years!
All the great writers out there say, “In order to sell your first book you have to write a second, then a third, then a fourth.” So, that’s what I’m doing.
Now, about my next book. I’m struggling with staying on a topic. I was considering titling it, I Used To Be Hot, since that title seems to grab people’s attention, but as I have been voraciously writing, spilling the un-edited contents of my mind onto Medium, I came up with another title, I Dream Of Electric Fish.
The fish title allows me to explore a wide range of topics. And it appeals to my sensibilities which are firmly rooted in surrealism, as is much of my art. I don’t know. What do you think? What book is going to emerge? What book title would YOU pick up off the shelf? I would greatly appreciate your feedback. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TITLE WILL SELL……….Because I want it to sell……………just like everyone else does.
Here’s the intro to the book I already published on Amazon.
Yes, this is a plea for you to buy my book. I’m not going to lie or sugarcoat my desire for you to read it. You see, I wrote it for me and people who feel trapped, stuck, on the brink of suicide, desperate beyond measure. It’s not doing anyone any good by sitting on Amazon’s virtual shelves.
You have a choice, but like Sam I Am, if you try it you may like it, you may see. Read the reviews. So far, it appears I’ve positively influenced some people’s lives by writing it. (This sounds egotistical, I know, but that’s what they told me.) Here’s one reader who left this review on Amazon:
I loved this book! Although I am much older than the author,I could identify with her feelings, fears, etc. I liked the book so much that I bought a copy for my daughter-in-law (love her like a daughter). I know she will enjoy it. I am also sending a copy for my best friend,
we have been best friends for nearly 60 yrs.and have had to “un-crap” our lives many times.
The author is courageous, funny, talented and has been through some serious crap.This is a very entertaining book with helpful suggestions when you find yourself in a bad situation. She doesn’t have all the answers but intends to live her life fully and with purpose. I enjoyed reading this very much. -Lini
UN-CRAP YOUR LIFE
by Stellabelle
Introduction
I’m a nobody. I don’t wake up at 4:30 A.M. to go to the gym. I like to sleep in. I haven’t harnessed the power of positive thinking, made a million dollars, created an app that’s been downloaded 3 million times or figured out a way to live anxiety-free. I have the attention span of a gnat. I have severe mood swings, am addicted to social media and struggle with perfectionism. I had a relationship with a sociopath. I used to be a bulimic, a smoker and an alcoholic. I’m creative, scattered, idea-rich and cash-poor. I’m an inspiration junkie. I’ve traveled to many foreign countries, won several video contests, had countless shitty jobs, started several business ventures that failed and worked as a writer for a startup that folded. I’ve submitted close to 400 resumes over the past few years and didn’t land a good job. I don’t feel I’ve accomplished a lot in life so far, but the reality is, I’ve escaped from some seriously horrible situations and conditions. This book contains the 13 worst experiences of my life and explores how I managed to escape them all.
I started writing this book six months ago when I received the news from a HR manager at a really good company:
“We’re sorry, but you’re not the right fit for us.”
I took a risk and asked the HR manager why I was not chosen. I asked in a very polite manner. I explained that I had been interviewed five different times for the position. I also reminded her that one of her employees had referred me to her company. All I wanted to know was what characteristic or trait prevented me from getting hired so that in the future I could correct this defect.
She told me she honestly did not know why I wasn’t chosen. She said my skill set and work experiences were outstanding. At the end of our conversation, she admitted that the hiring manager often made foolish decisions and was a young twenty-something woman. The HR manager apologized numerous times and seemed honestly embarrassed I’d wasted so much time interviewing at her company.
The conversation left me with nowhere to go. I didn’t know what to improve about myself since I was given no answer. Then the nasty thoughts crept in, “I was rejected for being me. That hiring manager didn’t like something about me and now I’m being punished because of it. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I really a loser?
Or is there something wrong with the hiring manager? I’m sick of careless people deciding my future for me. Maybe this is a clear sign I need to finish and publish the book I’ve been writing.”
This last rejection was somehow different than all the others. It made me want to fight back. That final sting was just the kick in the pants I needed to force me into action. I was determined to make something of myself with or without that job. From that day on, I decided to un-crap one thing about my life: my inability to finish personal projects. I decided to finish this book.
This book is not about decluttering your house. It’s not about how to lose weight or find a date. It is about managing soul-crushing failure and resurrecting dead dreams. It’s about the time when your face hit the pavement and you tried to stop the bleeding but couldn’t find a towel. So you just lay on the ground and let the blood gush out of your face. It’s about going to your mind-numbing job, where no one really cares about you. It’s about holding your tongue when your psychopathic boss humiliates you in front of your co-workers. It’s about getting drunk for the 300th time and waking up the next morning with a giant bruise you don’t remember getting. It’s about discovering why you keep choosing the wrong people to surround yourself with, the wrong people to trust, the wrong people to sleep with. It’s about taking risks and failing, sometimes succeeding, overcoming addictions, dissecting psychodramas, admitting weaknesses and learning how to nurture ideas. And then, it’s about finally recognizing your craptraps and devising ways to get out of them.
I’m not meant to be stuck in a craptrap and neither are you. Getting out is very difficult especially if you’ve been stuck for a long time. Realizing you’re stuck is the first step. Every day I look for people who have made it out of their craptraps and I emulate them. The next step is to paint a picture of life outside your craptrap. I have the advantage of knowing what my life would be like without my traps. I lived without them for eight months in 2009.
Confidence and self-esteem are essential components of dismantling your craptraps. But don’t worry if your self-esteem is torn up, lying in a sad heap on the floor.
It’s still there, waiting for you to patch it together. I decided to write this book not because my self-esteem is at an all-time high, but because I’m slowly building it up. I’m embracing the slow building process instead of running away from it.
Without looking deeper into why you allowed your crappy situation to go on so long, you’ll probably find yourself moving from one craptrap to the next. That’s what I have done in the past. You’ll never improve your life if you don’t look deep inside and find the reasons why you tolerate the crap the world and its inhabitants serve you regularly. We’ve all been in a relationship that should have ended years before it actually did. Life situations are the same.
I must act quickly before my hopes fade into fears. You too, would be better off taking steps now to un-crap your life. If you don’t, you might find yourself near the end of your existence asking this question: “Why didn’t I give it my all and live my life to the fullest?” I’m plagued by this thought in the middle of the night. It’s time to un-crap.
Are you ready? I am.
You can get my book on Amazon if you want or just wait for it to drip out slowly on Medium. The eBook is only $2.99 and the paperback is just $6.99.
There’s one chapter contained in my book that is too graphic and will never be put on Medium. That should be reason enough to get it on Amazon.
There, that was my attempt at self-promotion and boy, does it feel sleazy.
My favorite Medium writers at the moment are Andrei Draganescu and redsirens. redsirens just wrote on here that she has been inspired by me to write her own stories. That’s an amazing feeling to have. It makes me feel like perhaps I’m doing something right in life (finally).
Your Partner In Mad Ideas,
Leah
pss- a shoutout to Graham Anderson and Dave Grigger for their ongoing encouragement.
psss- I love you for reading my stories.
