I’m sorry I don’t know how to love

To my lost friends

I’m here in my bed feeling inspired by my pain and tears. It’s 4 : 40 am and since 3 am I’ve been thinking. Thinking of my life and the choices I made.

I am not proud.

The person I used to be would have beaten herself up until breaking her soul. But I’ve learned to be nice to myself so I try to understand and fix.

I think about you and why distance has come between us. I love you. I care about you. You mean the world to me. But it seems like cold, distant and apathetic is the new definition of our relationship.

I use to think that you took your distance because I wasn’t good enough, because you didn’t love me enough, maybe because I meant nothing to you ? Then it came to my mind as if God was whispering answers fo my desperate questions : I don’t know how to love.

It’s my fault. I ruined it.

I am sorry I don’t know how to love. I’m sorry I don’t know how to forgive. I’ve never been taught how to fix what has been broken, just how to dash it away. But you’re worth the try, you’re worth the humility so I want to learn. Learn how to trust you again, approach you, how to listen to you and be there for you. How to simply be sponteanous and natural, a real friend. How to simply love.

The person I used to be feels less of a person. The person I am today, feels bold, strong and confident as she’s heading towards finding a sense of worthiness.

It might be too late for us when l’ll learn to love, but I hope and pray you give me a second chance. I swear I did not know. Again I am sorry.