“I never really said no to anything”
Aren’t you scared of them finding what you’ve written on here? I used to be scared of my relatives finding this stuff, but then I just woke up one day and decided to be myself. I can’t change anything i’ve done or decided to do. I wasn’t raised to be doing weird shit, but there are some things that helped to create a perfect storm…..my father was an alcoholic and i was raised in a very sheltered manner. Weird stuff was shunned, and I noticed i was always attracted to weird stuff. Anyway, your description of yourself sounds like a classic addict. What I would seriously recommend is making a map of your activities and then figuring out why your brain likes them. This will help you find replacements for the destructive habits. But this only works when you’re really ready to find replacements. The drugs create such a chaotic environment in your brain that it’s hard to make anything work until that part is sorted out. You can’t do therapy until your head is cleared of drugs. You can start the process, though, and figure out if you’re ready. Being ready changes your perspective.
Destruction however, is its own beast. From your writing, it appears that you have been taught to negatively judge yourself and your activities. Drugs are not bad in themselves. Drugs actually do something good to our brains, ie, they make us feel good. We all want to feel good. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel good. What happens, though to people like me is that I used the drugs to make my hyper-controlling mind get off the hook. Getting drunk allowed me to do other things that my conscious mind would not allow, namely having sex with total strangers. In my twenties and thirties, it was much like I was living a life of a schizophrenic: one self was responsible and held down a job, the other self was a reckless alcoholic fiend.
This fissure within my brain caused me to feel bad about the alcoholic self. I started feeling deep wounds of regret about the things I had done the night before. My conscious self started diminishing, and my fiend started winning, asserting itself more and more. Then the depressive cycles took over too. I felt like such utter shit that drugs were the only thing that worked to make me feel better. It is this cycle that defines what it is to be an addict.
It sounds to me that you are an addict also.
Addiction and recovery have cycles. You can’t work to build your self-esteem when you’re addicted to a substance. That’s why addiction is so misunderstood. People who are not addicts don’t know what it’s like, they don’t know how much control the drugs begin to have over simple things like moods, feelings, relationships, etc.
It took me so long to get out of the dependency loop. I’m still an addict, and sometimes I get so addicted to my iPhone, i can barely stand it. It’s like my brain only exists within the technological sphere. When this happens, i have to reevaluate how to create happiness……
You’re going to have to think of ways to create happiness without drugs. This for me was the first step. I had to come up with risky things that didn’t include drugs. I came up with lots of stuff. I reverted back to the way I used to think as a child. It works most of the time. But not all……..
The whole reason I created my publication was to carve out a space where people can be themselves without fear of judgement. I know that the listicle, self-improvement net has redefined how we write, and even I have been held in its clutches, but I think a new kind of writing is in order. Writing that is real and vulnerable. Writing that does not promise the “10 things you……..blah…..”
By being completely honest, I learn how to heal myself. By telling stories that consist of painful memories, I can release those and move on, starting new things, and feeling better. I have diminished my anxiety so much. It was a habit and a way of thinking I developed over a lifetime. By getting real with myself and weaknesses, I think others feel empowered to do the same, maybe. But a lot of people are trapped. I was trapped. I can’t believe I don’t drink or do drugs any more. And “God” didn’t heal me. I never went to AA (although I did try). I never surrendered myself to “a higher power”. I dug into the pain, and reached in with forceps. I put that shit on a brightly-lit operating table, and I examined each part, figured out how it worked and why. It was horrible. Especially in the beginning. I used to hate myself, I still do a little. But I don’t hate myself like I used to. But this took so many years. It’s not an easy way. Most people can’t take it. Most people’s identity is not strong enough to take it. Well, i had no choice. I could feel death knocking. I waited for so long, as I was in my late 30’s before I really started to wake up. Actually, I was still doing stupid stuff in my late 30’s. It might take you longer. Some never wake up. They die. Or some get so messed up that their brains get damaged. That’s the reality. I’ve seen it happen. One friend of mine decided to quit drinking. He got a seizure, cracked his head open, and got brain damage. Now he can’t feed himself. It’s hard to think that we are that fragile, and yet we are. Our brains are really fragile.
