PSYCHEDELIC HEALING SAVED ME FROM A MONSTER: PART 2
THE ILLNESS
I was filled with fear and shame, self-loathing and helplessness. I could not make it stop. The hopelessness, I hadn’t slept in over three weeks, literally. I overdosed on over-the-counter sleeping aids and I figured I better stop doing that since it wasn’t working and I might actually OD and died one of these times. Ambien made me hallucinate my body parts floating on the other side of the room. Valium did nothing. My doctors’ office closed down and I was without medical care for six months. I could barely leave my apartment except to get food.
The illness I suffer from is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I had a complete mental breakdown several years earlier that left me unable to work. I lost my job, my boyfriend and became homeless. I drank a lot. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I had been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and dissociative disorder in my early 20s but I was highly functional until my breakdown — that’s the “post traumatic” part in PTSS or as it is known in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) C-PTSD — Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had been severely depressed for six months and lost the final ability I had been able to retain through all of this which was writing music.
At this point I knew I was in trouble. I knew about MDMA assisted therapy.
“MDMA is a psychoactive drug of the substituted methylenedioxyphenethylamine and substituted amphetamine classes of drugs that is consumed primarily for its euphoric and empathogenic effects.” -Wikipedia
I had applied for the clinical trials through the MAPS organization, the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies.
“In MDMA-assisted psychotherapy, MDMA is only administered a few times, unlike most medications for mental illnesses which are often taken daily for years, and sometimes forever.
MDMA is not the same as “Ecstasy” or “molly.” Substances sold on the street under these names may contain MDMA, but frequently also contain unknown and/or dangerous adulterants. In laboratory studies, pure MDMA has been proven sufficiently safe for human consumption when taken a limited number of times in moderate doses.” ~ Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies — maps.org
I was not accepted into the program at that time. I think that’s when I really began to deteriorate. I gave up. I wasn’t sleeping at all. Finally I said goddamnit you have got to do something or you’re going to be a zombie for the rest of your life.
RAY OF LIGHT
I picked up my thousand pound cell phone I called an ex-boyfriend who I’m very close with. I said, “I need help. I’m in really bad shape. I need to do MDMA with a guide.” He said, “Hold on one sec.” Within five minutes he told me to call someone. Within an hour this person got back to me and he said, “Let’s talk tomorrow. I’ll find someone near you.” Within a week the work began.
THE WORK
The work began with a brief phone call then Skype sessions. To prepare to undergo an MDMA session involved talking a lot about the traumatic events that caused the post traumatic stress syndrome and the problems that resulted from all of that. We did this a few times to get to know each other and establish trust.
A week before the session I was sent some instructions and information about the session. It went basically like this: (I share this only as part of the story I am telling. Do not attempt to do this by yourself and do not attempt to do this with a friend or someone who is not an experienced guide it could be harmful.)
● Organize your week so that you do not have a super charged work week. Begin to create time to slow down, time for contemplation and rest
● Develop your intention around the work. What are some questions you would like answers to? What are some ways of being are you ready to retire, what are you ready to let go of? What are you willing to open up to and accept and what do you seek clarity around? Give your time to explore what this work is for you.
● Write your intentions down and bring them with you
● Eat lightly, avoiding red meat, pork, spicy and creamy foods
● No alcohol for one week prior
● No recreational drug use
● Avoid any sexual relations for 3–4 days prior
● Take some walks in nature for preparation for the work.
The day of the work:
● Bring comfortable clothes
● Consider bringing photos from your life, family, friends, images of significance to oneself or around which you would like to do some work
● If there are objects that are important to you feel free to invite them into the space. You may bring them with you.
I will be there with you throughout the work to be available for all your needs and managing the space. We are creating a safe space together so that you may enter fully into the inner exploration at at.
3 Agreements As Your Guide:
● As your guide I will announce the conclusion of your journey, you agree to not leave the space without my permission until the conclusion of the work together
● As your guide I will not allow you to hurt yourself, the space is otherwise yours for your expression
● As your guide I will not be sexual with you
At the completion of the work there will be some light snacks and an opportunity to rest and get grounded prior to our parting. I will be checking in with you in 2–3 days to provide an opportunity for integration of the experience.
Suggestions for returning to daily life:
● Have the next day to be a slow re-entry, do not jump back into high energy environments.
● Eat lightly, get sufficient sleep, avoid a lot of time around TV and computers and other electronic devices.
● Some individuals experience some restlessness or difficulty falling asleep for a day or two. Lie in bed and rest anyway.
● Have a small journal around so that you may jot down, draw whatever is significant to you. You may have dreams through this period.
I was very happy with this information and guidance and felt completely prepared. When I arrived at the location it was very comfortable and well-suited for an MDMA session. I felt safe with my guide. He told me that whatever my needs were, he was there to help me with them a week before the session. He sent me some homework to help me prepare for it. We sat cross-legged on the floor, quieted our minds and spoke of our intentions. We used sage smoke to ceremonially cleanse our energy. I want to note here that I am an atheist. I told my guide this very clearly, and I do not claim any metaphysical or shamanic beliefs that I cannot provide evidence for.
After this little ceremony, I took the capsule. I felt slightly anxious but not terribly fearful or anything. Soon I began to feel tired and lightheaded so I lied down. He gave me an eye covering for my eyes and put a blanket over me.
THE HORROR
Memories started rushing through my mind like a tornado. I sobbed uncontrollably. My guide gave me a smooth rock to hold. I hung onto that rock for dear life. The pain, the pain I had dissociated from during the many abuses I survived came to the forefront of my mind, heart and body. It was brutal. All I kept thinking is I NEVER WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN. MAKE IT STOP.
This level of intensity I experienced for at least 3 hours.
I was paralyzed with fear. Every toxic feeling that had been pushed far down into me by my sociopathic criminal was now coursing through my mind and body. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I was gasping for air. I was gasping for life. I thought, “I’m not going to survive this….this is too much. I don’t want to see this, I don’t want to remember this.
“Please, why did you do this to me? Why? WHY?”
Evil things of unspeakable horror swirled around inside me while I blew through time and inner-space. His face, his mind spoke directly to my mind:
“I own your soul! I own your body. You are not a human. You are a piece of shit. You are good for nothing but a blow job. You are now my property and every command you will obey. You are my slave.”
When the intensity calmed down I turned around and looked at my guide. I said, “I think I understand why the people who hurt me did what they did but I am not ready to forgive them.” My anger and rage were just beginning to surface. But at least I was no longer numb. I never wanted to go through that again.
After a few days I began sleeping again. This was really the only thing I had wanted from this session. I just wanted to sleep. Just this one thing was like a miracle to me! I was so grateful for this. But after a few months I realized I needed to go deeper. I did not know what that meant but I realized I was not healed yet. My life was not moving forward and I was beginning to feel depressed again. I knew only one thing: I had to do it again.
To be continued…THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH
