The Invisible Child
Hello, I’m Christina and I am a grateful recovering addict. I came here to share my story because I think it is important that you know about my truth.
When I was a small child, my mom and dad were gone all the time and as a child, I naturally needed their attention. The only attention I seemed to get was from the different babysitters, mostly grown men and women who molested me while my parents were out.
I got pregnant for the first time at 14. My addiction started when I smoked crack cocaine with my mother………….I was 15 years old. At the same time, my mother introduced me to prostitution. She taught me I could always get money by turning a trick. In order to get out of prostitution, because I couldn’t stand the way it made me feel, I still fed my habit and I began selling drugs. I was 16 years old.
When I was about 17, my mother introduced me to the needle and shot me up for the first time. I realize now that she was in her own addiction. I was no longer her child…I became her friend, and that’s what she did with her friends.
I lived to get high and got high to live.
Nothing else mattered to me in my life. During this time, I had two more children. Both were born exposed to drugs. Still that didn’t stop me. I got further away from myself with more and more drugs. I gave my children away to family and friends because I knew I didn’t want them to suffer the way I had.
The more I got high the sicker I got. I started to believe there were demons around me. It was then I started hanging out with gang members. The more drugs I sold the more drugs I used. At this time I was 21 and began using even more drugs…. alcohol, zanax, ecstasy, anything I could get my hands on. By then I was completely detached from the world. I carried guns and was involved in crimes. I was arrested at least 13 times for all sorts of drug and street crimes.
And still that wasn’t enough to stop me for my self-destruction. I hated myself, I hated life I didn’t care if I died…there were times when I wished I was dead because there was nothing I wouldn’t have done for my habit. Eventually, I went to prison the first time but I didn’t stay there long enough lose my habit. I was released from prison and then arrested two years later with three more drug cases.
By then I was telling the police thank you because I wanted out and finally realized I was out of control. In my last prison stay I faced 32 years as a prior, persistent drug offender. I can’t explain why, but that was when I started having hope. I stayed in the county jail for a year and was then sent to a drug treatment program in Vandalia Prison. At that point I had 14 months clean time the longest clean time in my life.
From prison I was sent to a halfway house and got a job right away. As part of my probation I had to do long term drug treatment.…..the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I have been reunited with all of my children, I attend weekly AA and NA meetings and I went to school full-time to get my GED. I am so proud to say that I am now a high school graduate and I have taken classes at Penn Valley. I opened my first bank account in 15 years. In April I will celebrate 6 years clean and sober and I have been released from probation after 10 years. I work for a wonderful company that would have normally not given me a chance. Today I wake up every morning looking forward to life.
I feel smart and loved. Thank you for that.
