A Night Without Armor
I told you I would help you get through this so don’t worry. No matter what, I won’t leave you. She tried to look reassured but wasn’t. She nodded anyway. Andre wasn’t any more sure of anything than she was, but Andre wasn’t the one who had to do this. They stood at the door of her apartment. Andre waited. It would have to be she who opened it and walked through first. She hesitated for a moment. She could do this. She had wanted it badly enough to go through everything, so there was no going back now. Squeezing his hand, she wiped at a tear, opened the door, and stepped out into the world.
The limo arrived and Andre made them chilled martinis for the ride. They clinked glasses, marveling at how far they had come. They had met at lunch when Matt had the only free chair in a crowded pizzeria and Andre asked if he could take the empty seat. They ate in silence that day. The next day it was Matt who had to ask for the empty seat at Andre’s table. They decided to meet that evening for drinks and quickly became the best of friends. Then they became lovers.
Weeks later, they had taken a private booth at a steak house when Matt broke into tears. Andre asked him what was going on, not knowing what else to do. Matt told him what he had told no one else, not the people he worked and socialized with, not even his family. Matt confessed he wanted to kill himself but was afraid to do it alone. Andre had listened intently for a long time that night before finally reaching across the table and taking his friend’s hand. You have to do it, Andre said. I’ll help you, and I’ll arrange what needs to happen next. Afraid beyond fear itself, Matt squeezed Andre’s hand. They agreed.
They both took a year off their jobs. It was just them and the doctors. Over the next year, with Andre at his side for every critical step along the way, Matt made the bittersweet, poignant and unbelievably painful transition, determined to move quickly or not at all. He didn’t want to do a whole lot of this, the kind that takes some people years and years. He had been getting ready for this in his head most of his life; he was ready now and knew it, but he did have to learn some new things about being in the world; how to wear certain clothes and apply makeup; to walk differently and talk differently. There were surgeries, including what they called the Big One, in a very agreeable country with good food and very good surgeons. He wondered if he might lose his nerve at the last minute. Now the last minute was almost here.
Andre had visited Matt’s family to try and explain things; Matt simply said he was not up to it. That didn’t go so well at first. My son is gay. We accept that, his father had said, but I’m surprised that he sent his gay lover over to talk us. Andre stood and put out his palms. Hold up a minute, he said. I am gay. That’s true. But the thing about Matt is…Matt is not gay. That part needed explaining.
He did the same thing with Matt’s company and his friends because Matt couldn’t, yet, but he would. They had decided to invite more than 100 people to a ballroom at the Regency where they would meet Mattie for the first time.
It was instant immersion. Mattie was freaking out about it the whole time, but this is how she wanted to do it. She wanted to get past all this and just be normal again, what ever the new normal would be. When the limo arrived, Andre escorted her through the doors of the Regency to the doors of the ballroom. They stood there for a moment. Andre waited like he had waited before. It would have to be Mattie to open the door and walk through it first.
