all I want

all I want is to be happy with myself.

But I keep checking my phone
for his texts
and for his smiley faces
and for his…everything.

I keep looking into the mirror and wonder
whether he would want me.
whether I could be wantable.

All I want is
to go towards anything or anyone who makes me happy

And so,
I seek my happiness in other things
and other people
and when I realise this
I just feel
so
goddamn
dumb.

And then I feel,
“ok now that I know this, I can help myself”
But then, I check my phone again.

Photo by Alexander Andrews on Unsplash

(For no new texts to be seen.
and then,
I scroll up
smiling at our previous chats
and I miss him a bit more.)