Blur

To see a visualisation of this prose please go to,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgFX__ghAyA&t=2s

Please, don’t see

Let’s just stay blurry for a while, let’s just not see for a while.

Because I’d feel a lot better about not being noticed if you didn’t see clearly from the beginning. Okay, let’s begin.

How long do you think it takes before a dream becomes a present reality? When do you think a seedling planted by your mind’s internal desire grows into action?

I am asking because I am caught in between. I am a mesh of colors -not quite decided what to become, fragments of words ambivalent about what to say, a blank page, completely oblivious of what it shall contain.

For the longest time, I wanted to become ‘someone’. Not even so wild as being under a spotlight or being scrutinised but just to get a sense that there is something substantial in me. Just to the point where I could look into the mirror and see me, or something, anything other than a blur, not having a place in the world, carrying no significance whatsoever. Because at this point, if I were to cut myself open, I feel like there’d only be clumps of cloud. Every meaningless daydream I had, hollow words I let out of my mouth, days I spent detached from reality, mumbling dreams and goblins that don’t exist, all tangled, in a blob of air, circulating inside me, making me more and more insignificant every day.

When I would be standing in a crowd, like on a train, a crowded street or a classroom, the confusion inside me made my skin permeable. The noises, the people, the motion and the words would just enter me and dilute my existence. I felt like I could disappear, I mean really, disappear, and it wouldn’t matter. It’d be like I never existed.

So I try not to see. Because I’d feel a lot better about not existing, if I didn’t see myself clearly from the beginning.

Nonetheless, I still exist. And so do you.

Comma,
Haram