How to Navigate the World of Online Dating
One Brave Gal Gets Started.
“I’m moving to Canada without you.”
That’s how my last relationship ended — my only relationship. To say I was blindsided is an understatement akin to saying that winning the $100 million Powerball Jackpot is “just a few pennies in the piggy bank”. One second my world was full of love, security, and — most importantly — unbreakable trust. The next second, well, everything was broken.
I was broken.
Two years, countless hours of counseling, an unhealthy codependency with Bota Box, and a broken scale later, I am ready to come out of hibernation and start dating again. Gents, don’t hurt each other lining up!
In all seriousness, I said goodbye to wine for good, got back in shape (let’s be honest, I still have a ways to go), and love connecting with my therapist weekly. We’ve moved on from unpacking the past to celebrating growth and setting empowering goals for the future.
Now that I feel like me for the first time in years, I’ve spent considerable time discerning whether I am ready for a relationship and if I want one in the first place. With cautious optimism, my answer to both is yes.
How? Excellent question.
I called my fairy godmother and she said she is fresh out of glass slippers. And my therapist and I agree that only so much sleep is great for beauty. I would try a pea under my mattress, but I’m worried my dog would turn into a werewolf regardless of the phase of the moon.
Since fairy tales are out of the question, in addition to hoping that I meet my Prince Charming the old-fashioned way, I am considering entering the world of online dating.
There, I said it out loud.
You might be thinking this is no big deal, or even exciting. I envy you.
For me, this is uncharted territory. I’m not overly worried about creeps — they’re everywhere. I’m also not anxious about the prospect of catfish — I’m smarter than that.
I’m terrified of feelings. Not of their feelings about me, but my feelings about me, about them, about the whole unknown universe that comes with a relationship.
If you’re a fellow empath, you are feeling what I am feeling right now. If not, you’re probably thinking, “Stop saying ‘feelings’ already!”
Empaths quite literally feel others’ feelings. We absorb their emotions and corresponding physical manifestations. It’s more than being highly sensitive. We have an innate intuition that we oftentimes can’t put into words. According to Dr. Judith Orloff, author of The Empath’s Survival Guide and a leading psychiatrist in this field, “empaths are highly attuned to other people’s moods, good and bad. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme.” Hence my trepidation.
Rather than let my empathic characteristics railroad any future opportunity for love, I am choosing to embrace these qualities in a positive light — the future man of my dreams will be lucky to be enveloped in love and emotionally cared for before he even knows he needs it.
The problem is…I don’t even know how to get started. Crafting an accurate and articulate online dating profile that highlights me sounds more challenging than riding a bike wearing rollerblades. (I’ve unsuccessfully tried.) It’s overwhelmingly uncomfortable to talk about myself. In my perfect world, I wouldn’t even have to write an online profile. It would write itself by saying what I want to say without even saying it. My soulmate would be able to read my mind. And he’d connect immediately after seeing my “perfect photo” — not of me, but rather my dog.
One can dream, right?
When googling “online dating profile prompts” for inspiration, I quickly realized that my honest-to-goodness responses are so ambiguous they seem disingenuous — or worse — misleading. For example:
- What’s your musical style? I don’t have a preference. I’ll listen to whatever you like best.
- It’s Friday night, where do you want to go to dinner? It doesn’t matter to me. You pick what you’d like.
- If you could plan a weekend getaway, would you prefer a big adventure or to cozy up inside? Either? Both? Whatever you want to do.
- What is a perfect first date spot? Anywhere. You pick.
- What was your most recent awkward moment? It’s happening right now as I fill out this darn thing.
Clearly, answering questions is a direct path into the garbage and not to Mr. Dream Man’s heart. My intuitive gut tells me that my fellow empaths completely relate — and cringe. Making decisions for two of us, or (gasp) a group is my living nightmare.
With more internet browsing, I found that making a list of things I love paints a far more authentic picture of my private self. It’s an emotionally safer route since it doesn’t require me to choose for both of us. We can enjoy these things together, or I am perfectly happy loving them on my own.
Channeling Marie Kondo, these things spark joy…
- Notebooks, books, or any paper without any creases or wrinkles, which is ironic because my clothes are often in a heap.
- Decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving.
- Glitter. Everywhere. Anytime.
- Survivor. I would win if Jeff Probst picked me as a castaway. I’ll bet my $1 million on it.
- Popping my dog’s knuckles. (Don’t judge. He likes it too.)
- Finding a geocache in the mountains that hasn’t been found for years.
- The sound the snow makes while cross-country skiing.
- An Alaskan summer day where I go outside in the morning and don’t come back in until almost midnight — and I am dirty, sweaty, stinky, and exhausted.
- Filleting salmon. Then conducting a blind taste test to see if others can identify which Alaskan river the fish came from. (#AlaskaProblems)
- Kraft macaroni and cheese for breakfast.
- Owls, sparkling water, and unicorns. I loved them before they were cool.
- Working the Sunday crossword in The New York Times.
The things on my list spark joy, but the list still makes me feel “meh”. And quite frankly, you’re probably bored too. Empath or not, this is hard. I thought that writing down my thoughts would illuminate some personal hidden gems or inspire newfound dating decisiveness. But no.
I’ll let you in on a secret though…
One major ah-ha has come to light through this process. My online dating profile has been hiding in plain sight all along — in my Medium and social media bio.
My future McDreamy will be interested in “an introverted empath navigating an extroverted world — one mountain at a time.”
Orloff, Judith. “The Top 10 Traits of an Empath.” Judith Orloff MD, https://drjudithorloff.com/top-10-traits-of-an-empath/. Retrieved November 21, 2019.
