July 6, 2017
Happy Birthday!
Dear Granny,
You know there’s always that person… That Person. The one who makes you? YOU..?
You were that for me.
Stern when you needed to be, good, kind, and loving whenever you did anything. I think I saw you angry? Maybe once. Patience is defined with your picture next to it in the dictionary (I’m certain of this! I checked..!!)
You also defined strength and determination, love of your children and grandchildren, and a fealty to those that you loved that is rarely seen. I remember it. And? I’ve heard more stories since becoming an adult, that show your skill in it…
You taught me how to persevere in times of difficulty. How to see myself as worthy. How to be a woman of strength, compassion, morality, and empathy. You taught me everything I ever needed to know to survive. And hopefully? Thrive.
You died in your sleep forty years ago, while the pacemaker they’d given you ticked away… trying to restart your heart, one more time. The coroner said your heart had just had enough. And it was time.
They said you looked like an angel. Peaceful in your sleep. I don’t know. I couldn’t bear to see it, the fourteen year old me. See? I’d gone to see you everyday except that last one. I was tired. I was crabby. I was fourteen.
I had school and laundry and homework and hormones. And I didn’t want to deal with taking care of anyone but me. And to this day..? I regret that. And I wish that I could take it back.
But? I can’t. There is no taking that back.
It took me three days to cry over losing you. And when those tears finally came? I sat in my Dad’s recliner and sobbed my eyes out. And I didn’t care who saw me, or heard me, or anything. I missed you so very much.
I remember, one day in the summer time… A couple of years before we lost you, my little sister was worried about how sick you’d been, and how she would miss you when you were gone. She was only about nine or ten at the time. And you understood, and you had the perfect answer for a child. As usual…
For the others who will read this letter? This is what you said…:
K: Granny? I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone. Please? Don’t go..? Can’t you just stay with us?
G: Sweet girl, we all have to go… But? As long as I live in your heart, you’ll be fine..! I’ll be here, watching over you.
K: But? Gran? What if you forget me? How will I know?
G: I could never forget you beautiful girl. And you know how you’ll know it’s me? Here, watching over you?
K: No Granny… Tell me!
G: It’s very easy baby girl… You see that little white butterfly over there?
And its cousin? Over there? And its friend? Over there?K: Yes, of course, Granny!! There’s so many of them…!
G: Well, my sweet child, once I’m gone? Every time you see a white butterfly? That’ll be me. Watching over you. And you’ll remember how very much I love you. Always.
My little sister told me that story a few years after it happend. You died when I was fourteen, and she was twelve…
SHE had the courage to go up those stairs and say her final goodbyes to the sleeping Angel we all loved. I? Did not. For that? I am very sorry… You deserved better.
I am aware that you loved me. I am aware that to this day? You watch over me. I could never question that. For every time I have struggled with something… needed answers to questions… needed to find the right way, not just MY way?
The ubiquitous White Cabbage Moth, or its many lovely white-winged friends, have come into my path. Every. Single. Time. Since January 6, 1978.
Anyway… I just wanted to say?
Happy 117th Birthday. To my absolutely loved, and absolutely missed, every day, in every way…
Granny.
❤
Love,
Cinderella
