Marry Me Yesterday
I’ve just been thinking and doing a lot of soul searching lately, and I think I made a big mistake, Samantha. I think the biggest mistake a man can make in life is finding his soul mate and then losing her, and the worst part of that is losing her because he was too dumb to see in the first place that he was looking his soul mate right in the eyes. That’s the mistake I made.
OK, I figured I could spend the rest of my sorry life regretting that or I could do something about it. The only reason I’m calling you up is because I can’t wait, not one more second. I’m going out right now to buy you the biggest diamond ring in the store. Then I’m going to come over there and get down on my knees and do what I should have done then, and hope it’s not too late.
Now I know what you’re thinking, Sam. I know we had some disagreements and maybe we had a couple of fights, but when you really think about them, none of them were all that serious were they? What did we disagree about? When to have kids, how many, whether to raise them Catholic or Jewish? Stuff like that. That’s all normal stuff.
And I mean, I never really cared that you make more money than me if you don’t care. I got a good job that I’m happy with and I do well at it. I don’t need more money. What I need is you, and I finally realize that. OK I was thinking maybe I could have been a little more supportive sometimes. Your job is so stressful, and I don’t think I really understood at the time how much stress you were really under. I understand that now.
And you know, really the last thing, Samantha, is that you’re just better than me. You’re smarter, you’ve got better people skills, and you’re just, nicer. I’m not such a nice guy. I understand that. But I’m not so bad now like before; people change, and come on, I’m not a complete bozo, am I? I mean, I do have some good qualities, don’t I?
Alright I know I tried to cook you dinner that one time and the kitchen didn’t come out so good, but I tried didn’t I? I bought you a whole new kitchen. And I fixed your car myself after I had that accident in it so I hope you’re not still holding that against me. Alright and maybe I didn’t show up a few times for dates but what was it? Two?
I know I had some meetings maybe I forgot to tell you about but now I don’t work as much as I used to. I take more time to smell the roses and pay attention to what’s important in life, like the people I love, and I love you, Samantha. I always have and I always will, and if you let me, I’ll come over there right now and do what I should have done a long time ago. Is it too late for us, Sam?
Brian, have you been drinking? Samantha said when he was done. Brian was stunned. Is that all you have to say after all that? Samantha exhaled noisily, undeterred. I want to know, she said. Are you off the wagon? Brian was deeply hurt. I’m deeply hurt, he said. You think just because…
Goddammit, she said. GODDAMMIT! I knew it. I hate it when you do this shit, Brian. What the hell are you DOING?! You’re drunk and you have the NERVE to call me up? Have you forgotten how big of a jerk you were? We’d make a date and I wouldn’t see you for weeks! You burned down my house for Chrissakes, when you were cooking… She stopped mid sentence. Brian knew what was coming.
Brian, have you been smoking crack? Brian was completely put out. I cannot believe you, he said. I call you up from my heart and…
Goddamit!, she said. I knew it. I don’t hear from you in five years and you call me up completely out of your fucking mind. Have you forgotten I am married and have six kids now? Have you forgotten I’m a Mormon and I live in fucking Pasadena? What were you going to do, take the subway over from Central Station!? Goddamit! You are SUCH a fucking ASSHOLE! You FUCKING FUCKING ASSHOLE! If you EVER…
Brian hung up the phone. He hated when she got like this.