Not for me

I think about the love that surrounds me
I think about the love that people share 
It astounds me
I think about the love that eludes me

And I think I understand…

I think about the love of those 
who care for me
I think about the love of those 
who attempt 
to cater to me
and the falsehoods
promises broken
from the moment they’re spoken
from the first one said 
years ago
to the one spoken 
yesterday
They’re all the same

Why bother speaking
words never intended
to be kept
nevermind
held to
that higher standard?

I think about the love of those 
who defer to me
False words to 
avoid my temper
because they fear the wrath
that they have deservedly
engendered…

Foolish searches for temperance
when actions have 
earned nothing but
the infinite ire
of one who desired
nothing more
than
honesty
never delivered.

And I think I understand…

I think about the love that I’ve witnessed
Watched it curling into the abysmis
Witnessed its defrauded, degrading, delusional

Implosion

Until finally
the soul that once was
a better version of
beautiful
becomes that 
abandoned
misapprehended
misunderstanded
shell of ash
that will finally 
collapse
uncomprehended

I’ve seen it all
I’ve watched it happen
I refuse to let it happen 
Not to me
Not again.

I think about the love that surrounds me
I think about the love that is 
shared around me
I think about the love that 
eludes me

And I think I understand…

It’s not for me.
Never will be
So…
Take what I can get,
for my soul 
needs the feeding
feels the needing

Take what I can get, 
whatever that may be
Take what I can get, 
because there’s nothing more

Not for me.

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