Writing Catharsis:
Stream of Consciousness From a Very Painful Depth of Hurt.
Writing amongst the sharp shattered shards of my heart…
Dearest Healer, Teacher, and Guide…
My Goddess, I pray to you. Be with me now. Touch the broken pieces of my shattered heart with healing hands. Hold space for my darkness. Send me sunrays of light.
On my knees I pray that my inner tuition continues to vibrate high with self-awareness and stay aligned with you.
Stay close to me, in synchronicity.
With gratitude,
Fierce Force 💃
What has transpired recently shows me how quite amazing my inner guide is. I now heal mostly from my own writing, when I’m able to look. To read everything I wrote yearend, and beginning of January? Wow! Oh God how I knew, before I knew. I set the intentions and the comforts of affirmations back then, that I would be ok. That this is the path. And to be open. The wound is so full of salt though that it is also incredibly painful to read my own words. It’s like fuck, fuck really? It just is. Sometimes it’s unbearable to do it. To read through my own words. I wish he would go back and read that stuff. I don’t know why. Why should I care? Why should it make a difference? I’m just so deep in it, I want him to know. But these are my projections, my reality, and he is in his own reality. And that reality does not involve my pain. I need to let that all go. I need to block that bond. Because it doesn’t exist now. Not in the same way.
So here we go…
I feel so very stabbed by someone so close, a bond so big.
It hurts extremely bad. It makes me feel so freaking sad.
Man oh man have I been knocked down!
Grief. I am so, so in it. And it is brutal.
And her? Ugh! I am just so offended. And each time I think I have some air, some light, a few hours off, grief hits again and I bleed and bleed, so I turn to the page,
as a band-aid.
I begin a new draft.
Pouring my healing into my craft.
Naked and exposed on the page, salted wounds flow.
It is the only way I know how to deal with this blow.
Because using won’t fill the pain.
It would only drive me insane.
So I stay with it, this pain body hurt.
I am so stuck in the mud. My mouth is full of dirt.
I have been holding my breath so dang much. I literally forget to breathe.
My body is working so hard, and praying for a reprieve.
It is such an awakening when I remember to slowly exhale.
I promise to remember but then I space out again and my body tries to scream…
Hey! I have some air for sale!
Everything is so stuck.
God and it really sucks.
Where I am right now?
This deep, deep sadness, of shame for exposing myself, a loss of hope, a loss of innocence, again….
Then I get mad, mad, mad, at me for being here in this shitty space.
I get furious at them for their unrecognized careless deceit!
I get angry at me again for being so very affected.
I wish it all away, but they work in my industry, in my territory, so it feels like it will forever stay, forever haunt me.
How do I leave it be?
This is the part I cannot yet see.
Forgiveness will come, it must for me to have peace.
I just can’t find it quite yet. As it’s only been three weeks.
I’m sure I’m done.
I’m sure I’ve bled out.
I think I have no more words.
But then come more tears.
And it’s really messed up, because then I am filled with fear.
A harrowing black cloud.
My chest has been so plowed
It’s hard to begin.
I’ll think I’m ok.
I think my shield begins to thicken.
But then, yup here is comes again
I am completely grief stricken.
And so all those tears?
They are literally stuck behind all those fears.
And I don’t like the way that any of this has been handled
from either of them.
But what would he even do?
Where would he even begin?
He is too young to understand. Clearly he was not ready to be a man.
And she? I could give a fuck. She didn’t give two fucks.
But she sure gave him more than that.
And her way to deal with it? She is a fucking brat.
A client and friend, who stabbed me in the back.
But him? I still do seriously care.
I miss my boyfriend.
My best friend. Deeply I do.
I don’t know what he thinks, but I hope he does too.
Not that it fixes anything, I wish he could change it all back.
I’m sure he doesn’t really realize yet how heavy it is to carry that.
And it really, really sucks to miss my best friend when it’s because of his actions that I was catapulted into this place.
It’s like bad movie and it sucks in this space.
It feels so bad.
Full of despair.
I’m so tired of being in this grief stricken nightmare.
I know all the memes. I’ve seen them all. “We control our thoughts” blah, blah… “We can’t chose what happens to us but we can control how we handle our reactions”…blah, blah, blah…….
Here and now I bow down to the power of GRIEF!
Because I cannot control shit right now!
He is so strong all I can do it pray and bow,
As Grief takes a strong grip on me and throws me for a spin.
Yells at me for exposing myself, naive to sin.
Then he hurls me at the wall and yells to get up.
I had no clue how strong the Grief storm can be.
Because I’m not numbing him now you see?
So much pain caused from a temporary hookup.
So devious, my heart was stood up.
And I simply have to keep going through it.
I sit in the space and get to it.
Acknowledge the pain and acknowledge the hurt.
It’s really, really stuck.
For my tears? They won’t come up.
There is so much in my way. I could not feel more heavy in my chest.
My tears as staying close to my breasts.
I am so, so ready for them to come out.
I am so, so ready to scream and shout.
I’ve been so quiet. No one has heard the rage.
She sits inside, it’s not ready for the stage.
So?
I need help! I know what to do. I just so resent the fact that I need to do it!
But one day I’ll be thankful
I’ll learn from the strength I’ll have to get through it.
It’s going to be so much effort to get this unstuck!
But boy does it need to move. These tears need to come up!
The roar needs to come out.
I’m so ready to shout!
But I won’t shout at them.
No, I’ll go do it on my own, with the help of professionals. Yoga/body/cell tissue therapy, somatic healing, cutting cords, my therapist, my marriage counselor even. It’s all gonna happen. I’m putting together my team, so that I can cry and I can scream.
I will go and do it all.
So that I pick myself up from this fall.
Your soul is always multitasking to create new experiences for you. If you observe how you move through life, you will understand. Doing this allows many people to clear their issues by writing their story as a catharsis of their experiences here. The higher and clearer your frequency and intent, the faster you manifest synchronicity.
…………………..Source here
Want to see what happens next? Follow me💃! My pen knows best.
Be Fierce.
