Hope for the Hopeless at Networking Events and Parties

How to feel more comfortable and get more out of them

Networking event with large group of people
Networking event with large group of people
Photo by Product School on Unsplash

Your network should have people who can help you land deals, get jobs, pick up new clients, or help you learn new in-demand skills. In other words, you want to network vertically, not horizontally.
— Zak Slayback

If so, I envy you. I am not one of those people.

However, if you’re like me and a bit more introverted, then you know the pain of trying to make small talk at events and parties. But, building a powerful network is a valuable side effect of other useful events like workshops, retreats, conferences, and panels.

Networking has been most helpful for my career and business when it happens that way. But, when networking is the primary focus of the event (e.g., meet-ups, business card exchanges, business cocktail parties), it can be stressful and frustrating.

So, my first piece of advice for those of you who cringe at the thought of a networking event is to stop being part of the general crowd at such events. Instead, pursue being on panels, speaking at conferences, teaching and attending workshops, and other places where you get a chance to take the spotlight naturally.

My experience at Design Leadership 2019 in Melbourne, Australia, was just such an event. I was one of the speakers, and it made the networking aspect so much easier for me.

When we had breaks, lunch, and an afterparty, I made my usual retreat into a quiet corner of the room with my drink in hand. People sought me out and came up to me to talk because they had watched me give my presentation on stage.

We avoided the usual awkward small talk.

However, until you line up more speaking opportunities for yourself, you will probably need to deal with the usual networking events and parties. So, how do you cope? How do you get more value out of them?

First, seek out the other introverts

This is the most useful advice I’ve received. We naturally tend to gravitate to the active circles of conversations.

You know the ones. There’s an extrovert in the middle telling some great story, and everyone else in the circle is listening, nodding, and laughing. You’ll never get a word in edgewise if you join those circles.

There are other people at these networking events and parties who are feeling shy or awkward too. Seek out the people who are sitting or standing alone.

Engage them in conversation and find something more meaningful to discuss than the usual small talk. I’ve always found it easier to have a deeper conversation with one to two people in a small group than trying to shout to be heard in a large group.

But what do you talk about? How do you break the ice?

That’s still a real problem for many of us. That’s where the art of smart questions comes in.

Second, ask good questions

The key to networking and most conversations is to listen more than you talk. One excellent way to do that is to ask the other person some interesting questions that invite a more meaningful discussion.

Most people like it when someone shows a real interest and wants to hear more about them. Just make sure you don’t ask questions that can end with a simple yes or no answer (e.g., “Is this your first time here?”).

Here are some sample questions that you can try the next time you need to start a conversation. Some are more general, some are event specific, and some fit different types of occasions.

More general questions

  • What’s the best book you’ve read this year?
  • What’s the best movie you’ve seen this year?
  • Did you do anything fun this past weekend?
  • What’s your favorite way to spend the weekend?
  • What’s the most interesting thing you’ve been working on lately?

Relevant for an event you’re attending together

  • What was the highlight of the event for you today?
  • What has been your favorite talk/session so far?
  • How long have you been a part of this organization/group?
  • What advice would you give someone starting in this field?

Relevant for a party

  • How do you know the host?
  • What drink are you having?
  • What food would you recommend here?
  • What’s the best party you’ve ever been to?

Deeper conversations

  • What is your idea of a dream job?
  • What is your dream vacation?
  • What is the next big adventure you want to pursue?
  • Who is your favorite author (and why)?

You get the idea. The general approach is to ask more meaningful questions to get the conversation started and perhaps ask a few follow-up questions to keep the ball rolling. Then, the conversation will more naturally flow from there.

Finally, connect and follow up

This is where most people drop the ball. They meet people and maybe even have a great conversation, but they never take the next step.

The relationship starts and ends at the event. That’s a real loss when you meet someone interesting who would be great to have in your network.

One of the best ways to strengthen your network is to provide value and help others — selflessly. When you meet someone interesting, there is probably some way to follow up with them to continue the discussion and provide real value.

  • Is there someone you could introduce them to (e.g., if they are seeking a new job)?
  • Is there a great article that you could send them which might be relevant to something you discussed?
  • Is there some other interesting event that you might want to invite them to?

Keep the conversation going. Keep this new relationship alive.

Before you leave the event, connect with this person via LinkedIn or social media. Share email and/or phone numbers.

Obviously, don’t force this if it doesn’t seem like they are comfortable with it. But, if you’ve been having a nice discussion with people, they will naturally feel open to connecting with you.

At the recent conference I mentioned, I shared my Twitter name with everyone to make it easy for people to follow me and connect later. I connected via LinkedIn with several people. We sometimes used the app to do it right on the spot so that we wouldn’t forget.

I even exchanged a few old fashioned business cards. Crazy, I know!

The point is, networks are incredibly valuable if you take the time to curate them well and keep the relationships alive. There is no point in meeting great people if you don’t keep the connection going later. Connect with them, follow up later, and help when you can.

In summary, I do find it more effective to flip this all around and seek out events where you can speak and be in the spotlight. It makes the side effect of networking so much easier later.

However, if you are going to engage in traditional networking, it doesn’t have to be stressful and painful. Seek out a few people and have meaningful conversations vs. circling like a moth around the lightbulbs of a few extroverts.

Read more of the professional development advice that I share with my ambitious subscribers every week. Check out my leadership and career coaching at Brilliant Forge LLC.

Larry Cornett is a Leadership Coach and Career Advisor. He lives in Northern California near Lake Tahoe with his wife and children, a Great Dane, and a rabbit. He shares advice that helps you become an opportunity magnet for the best things in life! You can also find him on Twitter and Instagram @cornett.

Invincible Career

Invincible Career® — Reclaim your power and regain your freedom!

Larry Cornett, Ph.D.

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I’m a leadership coach & business advisor who helps you reclaim your power and regain your freedom. Become Invincible! 🚀

Invincible Career

Invincible Career® — Stories that help you reclaim your power, regain your freedom, and become invincible in your work and life!

Larry Cornett, Ph.D.

Written by

I’m a leadership coach & business advisor who helps you reclaim your power and regain your freedom. Become Invincible! 🚀

Invincible Career

Invincible Career® — Stories that help you reclaim your power, regain your freedom, and become invincible in your work and life!

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