How to have lyme disease
This disease was given to you for a reason, to do something great with it.
You’re not a victim. And this is not a well-reasoned scientific summary to silence naysayers, this is for you. This will give you some beliefs for the going.
I get it. You’re immersed in the background radiation of chronic pain from the Big Bang of a tick bite, pinching your brain and tensing your back. You feel like being alone, and in a crowd are alone. You struggle to come up with words like aphasia (the struggle to come up with words) and alexithymia (blindness to emotions). Your friends and family don’t understand that life is different now, that your abilities and thinking and goals may be different. Sounds like the beginning of a great origin story. How will you write it?
Lyme disease: an infection caused primarily by a spiral-shaped bacteria that can pass from blood to connective tissue, skin, and the brain; can change into cysted or biofilm forms to evade antibiotics; can even detect when an uninfected tick bites you and uses it to escape your body and spread. (Rational ticks should be afraid to bite you.) You now have a liquid biohazard running through your veins and arteries and heart. Pretty cool, eh?
Like a science fiction disease, it turns strapping human beings into decrepit old fogeys in record time: in two weeks, you’ll experience a compressed 50 years of arthritis, memory loss similar to Alzheimer’s, general fatigue, aches, crankiness, confusion, and memory loss similar to Alzheimer’s. (Haha, only serious). The CDC estimates 425,000 people get infected per year and increasing, making it the #trending infectious disease of now. Eleven percent of these cases persist beyond the normal antibiotic treatment, which unchecked, would lead to lifelong suffering.
It’s primarily spread by ticks, those eight-legged fuckers in the tall grass, whose coastal breeding grounds are only expanding as polar ice caps melt due to climate change. They’re the viral social media of bacteria. So we’re all screwed right? No, because I just told you it’s coming, and it’s growing. Foreknowledge of a trend is an opportunity. Whatever cure you find, you’ll be able to help many, many other people.
For all that follows, assume you’ve received a positive diagnosis and have found the Cure that works for you. There are several Cures to choose from, each with thousands of successful reports and supportive communities: plant-based protocols such as those by Dr. Cowden (up to 9 months), the venom of the Western honeybee (up to two years), and induced hyperthermia (three weeks). These Cures were all told to me by people who were moved to share, and now you can do your own research and tell others, too.
You may be told a lot of conflicting information, from “there is no such thing as chronic lyme disease” to “keep taking antibiotics forever” to “that’ll be $800,” none of which you should listen to. You’re not alone. Tens of thousands of sentient beings like you, me, Kris Kristofferson, Avril Lavigne, Bella Hadid, and Nicholas Zakas all have lyme disease lasting longer than several months. (When you meet them, offer them the Cure that worked for you, and endure their squeeing fandom and requests for your autograph.)
Were you happy with your life before? If not, now you are being squeezed, like juice from an orange. What have you been feeding your mind and emotions up to now? It will all come out, some of it embarrassing. Use this pain to change and consider mortality well in advance, which now won’t be from lyme disease. Probably an asteroidal extinction event.
What else could this mean? You were getting too powerful, you needed limiters, like making Muhammed Ali wear cement galoshes. The gods are jealous. Baby, just wait until those ankleweights come off, you’ll be a fucking Avatar. When you‘re Cured, you’ll be aging in reverse. That water will wish it were air.
Think of other people feeling this pain, and stay with it. Try meditating (hint: trying to meditate is still meditating). Be aware of your inability to stay present, to zone out, to binge-watch Netflix, to eat only peanut butter straight from the jar for days at a time.
Do you think it’s weird to talk to yourself? Of course it is. Instead, talk to the bacteria in your body. THIS IS NO PLACE FOR YOU, you’ll say. YOU HAVE TO GO, AND I WILL NOT REST, I WILL FIGHT YOU ON THE BEACHES AND THE CARTILAGE AND THE CEREBROSPINAL FLUID AND I WILL NOT STOP QUOTING WWII WINSTON CHURCHILL UNTIL YOU GET THE EFF OUT. And while you’re at it I WILL NOT GET THE FLU THIS YEAR.
Get genuinely curious about science. Like it’s life or death, not “I have to pass this mid-term.” Take your health into your own hands. When you were young, diseases were fleeting and easy, and medical authorities told you to go home and rest. This disease is hard, bruh. It’s on humanity’s mid-term. (Cancer and AIDS are on the final). Manage your doctors like they’re your cabinet of ministers, like you’re the head coach of a bunch of other coaches. You have the final say. Take advice, but let your treatment be the result of your own thinking, and blame no one for the results.
Feelings are great and all, but as the prophet GaryV tells us, what’s the business model? You could make a successful startup driving around the country teaching people how you Cured yourself. You could create an insurance fund to amortize the costs of expensive treatments across a larger human tribe, since chronic lyme disease is not recognized by the CDC or existing health insurance companies. Except, not those two business models, because they belong to Ellie Lobel and me.
And that’s why you’re going to be totally and completely Cured. You’ve got this, and you’ve got me. Tweet me at @cryptogoth and tell me your story. Send me your Medium post, write a Gist, mail me a paper letter. Tell me your Cure. Lyme disease has an unfeeling army of bacteria iterating and evolving all the time. It’s time to rally our own forces of scientific badassery, moxy, decentralized hives, and true grit.
