“I Don’t Know”

The leaf in the wind won’t know where it lands, but it’ll have a good time floating on down there.

There was a period of time when I was a kid when my dad endlessly mocked me for answering almost every question with “I dunno.” It wasn’t exactly a conscious rebellion, I was just really unsure of myself and what I wanted, and my dad in particular didn’t seem to know how to deal with that. And the more he bullied with it the more I resigned into it.

I think there are two kinds of not knowing. There is the kind where you don’t give a shit, and you’re totally apathetic, and if something bad happens then it’s not your problem. It’s infused with negative energy and it makes you feel like an angsty teenager who wants to tell the universe to go fuck itself. It’s not so different with the backlash against education and experts: this isn’t curiosity, this is sticking your fingers in your ears and yelling because you’re not interested in the wisdom. This is what I was doing with my dad and, in hindsight, it must have frustrated him because I wasn’t the decisive young boy he wanted. That was my asshole phase, pretty much.

Then there is the much more elusive kind of not knowing, where the ignorance presents excitement, curiosity and joy. This in some senses is the essence of life: having no idea of what’s coming at you but rolling with it anyway, because that time you sink deep means you’ve got time to recover from those moments you flew high.

There is some fantastic insight into this video. What if you didn’t care about not knowing, and how knowing that you don’t know can be an utterly wonderful feeling? It’s incredibly Socratic: a challenge to your ignorance is the beautiful opportunity to find out something new about this world you live in.

I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking that I don’t have a clue, and I’ve been negative about it. I’ve lived in three countries in less than a year, I’m jumping at whatever comes to me, but it doesn’t feel good, like the warm embrace of spontaneity. It feels desperate like grasping out for the next new thing. Like I’m frustrated that I don’t know what I want and every impulsive desire is That One Thing.

But realising that it’s fine to be clueless and to keep experimenting and welcoming and inviting and doing, and there is always a good reason to keep your boat rocking a little bit. Yeah… In fact, it’s awesome to be so courageous as to accept that.

After all, you don’t rock the boat because it’s too stable for you, you rock it because you want to keep the water fresh.

ॐ