3 Phrases NOT To Say to People With Eating Disorders
They sound innocent but should be avoided
This topic is near and dear to my heart as I have been struggling with an eating disorder (ED) for almost 6 years now. I am currently in recovery, but I still hear these phrases almost every day. It hurts. Most of the time people saying these things don’t intend to harm someone with an eating disorder. They just don’t realize that even the most innocent comments can trigger an ED. Therefore, here I will shine a light on some of the most popular phrases that seem unharmful but might cause a lot of pain to people struggling with ED.
1. “You look so skinny! You should eat more.”
I know, thank you very much.
This phrase might sound like you are taking care of your loved one but in reality, it is a huge trigger.
Firstly, people who are clinically diagnosed with an eating disorder know that they are underweight and it is already a part of their recovery plan to gain weight. They don’t need you to remind them of their problems and what to do about them. In her article Susan Cowden, a licensed therapist and a member of the Academy of Eating Disorders proves it by admitting that her patients “report time and time again that this is an incredibly triggering comment.” (Verywell Mind, 2020)
Secondly, for those who are not aware that they have an eating disorder such a comment might sound encouraging, positive feedback. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIH), the goal of an eating disorder is to become skinny.
Hence calling someone with an ED skinny is a confirmation of their success in losing weight. Further suggestion to eat more just sounds like “I am so skinny that they even think I need to eat more, I am on the right track” in the minds of ED patients. I know, it sounds illogical. “Remember: Eating disorders … are biologically-influenced medical illnesses.” (NIH, 2018) Therefore, people with EDs often have their disorders think for them.
Susan Cowden says “It is best not to comment on appearance at all.” (Verywell Mind, 2020) Find something else to talk about, something that doesn’t involve food or body image.
2. “Just eat it.”
It is not that easy. Recovery is a hard and slow process. Think of eating disorders as food phobias. Let’s say you are afraid of public speaking, and you have to do this speech in front of a huge crowd. How are you going to feel? Your heartbeat rises, your palms get sweaty, and you start thinking how horrible it will be standing there in front of all these people. That’s very close to what a person with an ED experiences when presented with certain foods or big amounts of them.
According to Dr. Toni Falcone, a psychologist who specializes in eating disorder therapy, “Eating disorders are mental illnesses, not a phase, a diet, or a choice.” (The Psychology Group, n.d.) People with ED fear food, fear weight gain. The eating disorder takes over their lives so it is not easy to just eat something or follow a recovery meal plan.
Recovery does require patients to challenge themselves with their “fear foods” because that is how they take back that control. However, it is not easy. So please be patient. Based on Susan Cowden’s article saying “just eat it” won’t help. If anything it is going to make matters worse because now, apart from being terrified of food in front of them, people with EDs have to deal with the shame of being unable to “just eat it” as everyone wants them to.
3. “You don’t look like you have an eating disorder.”
This one I heard a lot after gaining weight in recovery. Weight gain does not equal cured. Eating disorders are in the mind.
In her blog post, Ruth McMonagle, recovering anorexic of 15 years, writes “Eating disorders can be invisible, just like depression. Don’t assume that someone isn’t sick because they don’t look sick.” (A Lust for Life, n.d.) And I can’t agree more. People could not understand why I would cry overeating too much or too little if I looked like I got it all figured out. Many assumed that I don’t work out because I am lazy and not because if I do I will fall back into exhausting myself to lose weight.
Another side of this, explained by Dr. Toni Falcone, is that people struggling with EDs might start guilting themselves because they are supposed to be healthy now that they gained/loosed weight. (The Psychology Group, n.d.) Such a comment denies that one has an eating disorder.
In their minds thoughts like this one may occur “They are right. Now I am at a healthy weight I am supposed to be recovered. Why am I still struggling? Is there something wrong with me?” The truth is that recovery is almost a life-long process. EDs might go away for a while and then come back out of the blue. Therefore, it is crucial to be patient with it.
Dr. Toni Falcone suggests assessing your relationship with food and body image. “Acknowledge how your assumptions may prevent you from truly understanding your loved one’s experience.” (The Psychology Group, n.d.) Don’t be quick to judge someone. Understand that you probably don’t know the whole story. So sympathize and remember that all EDs look different.
In conclusion,
People with eating disorders are very sensitive to comments about food, weight and body image. Therefore, please be kind, compassionate and patient with them.
It is best to avoid any comments about food or the way someone looks. You might say it without a second thought and forget about it seconds later but for a person struggling with an ED, this might be the major event of the day. They spend their days obsessing over food. All they think about what they eat, how they eat, how much they eat, how they look after they eat and what they need to do to look the way they want. So even the shortest comment can get stuck in their heads and they are going to overthink and remember it forever.
If you know that someone is struggling or used to struggle with an eating disorder talk about a more interesting thing than food, weight and diets. Maybe there is a new DnD podcast you have started. Or a new skyrocketing cryptocurrency everyone is talking about.
The point is to take the conversation elsewhere.
I hope this article helped you and now you have a better understanding of what people with EDs go through. If you hear someone else use these or similar phrases I hope you will step in and explain to them how damaging that might be.
With love,
Maggie.
References:
“Eating Disorders: About More Than Food.” National Institute of Mental Health. Accessed July 10, 2021. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/eating-disorders/.
Susan Cowden, MS. “You Can Hurt Someone With an Eating Disorder by Saying the Wrong Thing.” Verywell Mind. Accessed July 10, 2021. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-not-to-say-to-someone-with-anorexia-or-bulimia-1138326.
“What Not to Say to Someone Suffering from an Eating Disorder, According to Actual Patients.” The Psychology Group Fort Lauderdale. May 19, 2021. Accessed July 10, 2021. https://thepsychologygroup.com/what-not-to-say-to-someone-suffering-from-an-eating-disorder-according-to-actual-patients/.
