4 Key Stages in the Cycle of Abuse
How to recognize if you’re in an unhealthy relationship
Are you in an abusive relationship? Sometimes it’s difficult to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy partnerships. That’s why it’s wise to learn about the well-documented patterns of behavior that tend to occur in toxic partnerships. Then we can more easily recognize when these traits show up in our own interpersonal relationships.
As a New York Times & USA TODAY bestselling author who has spent the last 10 years researching and writing about domestic violence (and other relationship issues), I’ve learned a lot about patterns of behavior. While some variations have been proposed (such as Scott Allen Johnson’s 14-stage cycle of depression for physical and sexual abusers), most psychological experts agree that the cycle of abuse contains four key phases (originally identified by Dr. Lenore E. Walker).
Stage One — Tension building: In this phase stress gradually builds, and the abuser grows more and more unsettled. Maybe they feel intimidated or threatened in some way. Maybe they feel as if they aren’t getting enough attention. Maybe they feel paranoid, jealous, or insecure. Maybe they fear they’re losing control of you or of a particular situation. Whatever negative emotions start spinning within them, you sense the shift and you start walking on eggshells around…
