Mental Health
A Cry For Attention
A Wake-Up Call For Everyone: Pay Attention To Those You Know Self-Harm
There’s a game we played when we were kids. Well, not much of a game, more like a challenge.
We’d burn a candle and wait till the wax melts. Then we’d pour the hot wax all over our palms.
I remember how it felt the first time I tried it. The hot wax stung at first, but afterwards — when my heart stopped racing — there was relief. Almost as though the pain never occurred.
Maybe it was because I had just done something brave — it’s difficult putting wax on your skin. Or, maybe it was something else.
Whatever it was, I liked the feeling. I would come to play that game over the years. Getting more and more intrigued about how it felt to have burning wax on my palms…
There was another game we played, but I was too scared to do this one.
They’d carry a needle, and “sew” the top layer of skin of their palms. I never did it because I was too scared of drawing blood. I never could handle pain well (the irony, I know!).
“It doesn’t hurt, and you won’t draw blood”
That’s what they’d tell me anytime I saw them doing it, but I never could muster up the courage to do it.
When I asked frequently why they enjoyed playing such a risky game, their response always went along the line of, “it makes you feel alive”.
To me, back then, they might as well have been telling me that getting hit by a speeding ball was fun.
I could never understand how someone could derive joy from what I perceived then as intense pain (yes, in my child mind, passing needless through your skin was more painful than hot wax).
Whenever I think of self-harming, I’m taken back to that time, to those games.
Before I ever got any actual knowledge about self-harming, suicide and depression, the notion that people who spoke about it were simply looking for attention had surrounded me.
I didn’t have any knowledge to fall back on. No one amongst my close circle had any issues like that — or they never spoke about it. I was clueless.
That was until I’d gotten close to a girl who cuts.
Prior to knowing her, I had already started my journey into psychology and met various people. I learnt more about my mental health as well and got answers to some questions I’ve been asking.
But, I could never understand why anyone would cut themselves.
I never could handle pain well
When I found out she used to cut herself, it felt like I was in a movie. In my head, that wasn’t something that anyone close to me ought to go through.
For days I plagued myself on why I never noticed. I couldn’t stop questioning myself.
“Did she always wear long sleeves?”, “When last did she cut?”, “Did she know me then?”, “Could I have spoken to her minutes after she’d finished cutting and not notice?”, “What did she even use?”
I desperately searched for something to make me not feel bad for never noticing. There’s a pattern, one we normally see on TV.
First comes the Depression. It’s usually mild feelings of emptiness. At that stage, the person might still have a chance. Then comes cutting. This is the red-zone. If you reach this zone, you might be one step closer to unreachable.
Then comes the thoughts, the suicidal thoughts. At this stage, you might lose them.
Watching so much TV and no actual life experience — however — had made me believe that the passage through these stages was so fast, once a person became depressed, they’re already gone.
It was because of this belief that I felt more frantic. I couldn’t lose my friend, not over something like this.
There was something that bothered me though. She said she had been cutting for years. Why didn’t she ever just speak up or show someone her arms?
If she needed help, why didn’t she just… say something? Why did she try so hard to hide it?
Looking for attention
We often believe people who self-harm to be looking for attention, but the reality is, they’re not. They’re very ashamed of the fact that they cut. So then why do they cut?
It makes you feel alive
Remember that game I mentioned earlier? Whenever I poured wax on my palm, what I felt was an adrenaline rush.
The feeling of doing something dangerous, overcoming the stinging sensation. It made me feel brave, made me feel alive.
I was very skeptical about doing it in the beginning, and but it became a habit later on.
Even though I knew it was painful, I just couldn’t help but be transfixed at the feeling. In a way, I relished the pain. It made me feel alive.
For many people, that’s exactly what self-harm does. It makes them feel alive.
If you’ve ever felt empty, you’d understand just how needed this feeling is. How desperate the need to feel anything is.
They need to feel alive, to feel something. To many, it’s like a reminder or a wake up call. Like that alarm that rings at 6am in the morning, telling you to get up and start living.
This feeling, this need, is very addictive. The first pump of adrenaline is like a breath of fresh air after struggling to swim up from underwater, or the relief you get when your menstrual cramps are gone.
It’s like this, only much bigger. It’s a high.
Eventually, you keep on wanting more of it. Especially since the emptiness doesn’t seem to want to go away. You constantly need something to remind you that you’re alive.
Fight fire with fire
— Shakespeare, King John
We credit a man named Red Adair for pioneering the profession of extinguishing oil-well fires with explosions.
If there’s have a forest fire, you can stop it by using controlled fire. This, however, comes with a risk: the controlled fire could become hazardous.
However, the risk, fire can be stopped with fire; and so can pain.
For many, it’s much easier to go through physical pain than an emotional one. Why do you think some people go boxing when they’re in emotional turmoil?
For many that self harm, that knife/ scissors/razor/whatever is their glove. It’s their exercise, their escape.
It’s ironic, but in creating a fresh pain (physical pain), they’re able to fight the pain they feel inside them.
In the chaos of conflicting pains, they’re able to find some relief.
There’s another reason, one that’s easy to understand: it’s a punishment.
For some, that cut on their wrist is a way of punishing themselves.
“For existing,” “for hurting others,” “for being worthless,”…
These are some of the many reasons they harm themselves. This anger directed towards self is something everyone should understand.
We’ve all had those moments where we blame ourselves for certain situations. We’re our own biggest critic.
While it’s the same feeling, some would seek to punish themselves. Perhaps, as a way to make up for what they perceive to be their mistakes.
Whatever the reasons for self harm, one thing most of them have in common is the shame they feel.
This shame can come because of many things. Upbringing, societal expectations, personal expectations and disappointment.
Whatever it is, something pushes them to want to hide it. They don’t wear their scars like medals from a battle. They hide it, like they’ve just committed a crime.
Underneath that long-sleeved cotton shirt are stories of times they cried. Tears that they shed, but were never heard.
These people don’t cut because they want to, they don’t know what else to do.
At some point, they get addicted to it. They know it’s bad; it hurts them, but they can’t do anything. It’s the only relief they know.
So yes, self harm is a cry for attention. It’s a cry for some much-needed attention, by people who don’t know what else to do but hurt themselves.
When you hear it, don’t silence that cry. They already hate themselves as much as it is. It’d be inhumane to add to it.
