A Letter To My Bully
It only took me 15 years to write this letter…but here we go.
I know that when we were 9 years old you probably didn’t know how much of an effect you had on my mental health. You didn’t know that all of the pain you put me through became a trauma that I still today struggle with. I mean you tortured me enough that I had to leave and transfer schools.
You influenced the whole class to think of me as this weird new kid that was ugly and annoying. Did you know that repeatedly being called the same adjectives over and over again started to build my self worth? I was 9 years old. I didn’t know better.
Do you remember when we were actually really good friends when I was first the new kid?
oh yeah — We were really good friends. We would have sleepovers and playdates. I was so happy to have made a best friend. I felt so included with you and your friends until suddenly everything has changed. As soon as I became good friends with your friends, you completely turned on me.
I was so confused about why you suddenly didn’t like me anymore. I thought I did something wrong. The only words that came from you were that I was ugly, weird, and annoying. You built this identity of me before I could even build my own identity. My self-esteem was completely shot. At the time, I didn’t even know what self-esteem was.
I remember that every time there would be a new kid in class, I would be the person to welcome and befriend them. I was so happy because it was a fresh start for me, but not when you are around — you were always so good at turning people against me. You had this certain charm to you. There was nothing that I could do to make friends that wouldn’t turn into my haters. You did a great job of making me feel alone with no friends.
You were even successful at turning our 4th-grade teacher against me…
I will never forget the time we were at church for our monthly mass every first Friday. You and two other girls were chit-chatting during mass and I turned around to ask you kindly to “shh” because it was very distracting to me. The teacher was even next to you. I remember going back to the classroom after Mass to get yelled at by the teacher. The words and volume of her voice were so traumatizing to me that the image of my 9-year-old eyes seeing her yell at me is still embedded in my brain 15 years later. I felt so alone.
I will never forget that day when I completely broke down in my parent’s room saying that I didn’t want to live anymore because I was so hated by everyone.
Everyone hated me.
& it was because I was “ugly, weird, and annoying”
After my mom experienced watching me have a mental breakdown, she decided to say something to the principle. The principle did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
There was no change. NO CHANGE. The principle was on your side too. You did such a great job using that charm that you have.
My mom finally decided for me to switch schools. I had to literally leave because I was in that much pain. According to my mom, I cried almost every single day coming home from school.
I will never forget the day when I would come back to the school to watch a school function for my cousin ( who still attended the school) and your friends would throw crayons at my head. That was the last time your “people” terrorized me. (until high school, but that is another story)
I know why you bullied me
Nine-year-old me thought that I was the problem. Twenty-four year old me with a degree in Psychology and numerous life experiences beg to differ. I’ve learned that you felt threatened by me. Every time I would befriend someone easily, you would do anything you can to turn them against me because you needed to be in the spotlight. I’ve learned that your home life wasn’t the best and I feel you. It’s not your fault with what happened before and after school. I want to tell you that I see you today and I see that you are a great person. I am proud of you because you have gone through so much the past couple of years and you still stand strong. You never formally apologized for the scars you gave me, but I forgive you.
