Member-only story
A Letter to my Undiagnosed Self
What I wish someone had told me
Dear Cece,
I genuinely hope this finds you well. I know you haven’t been feeling well at all, lately. That deep sadness in your stomach that you’ve felt since you were a child seems to grow every day, and you feel you have no way to fight it. Your mind is changing in ways you don’t understand. You’re hearing things, seeing things, becoming scared of the people around you. You spend most of your time hiding in your room, terrified of the outside world. You don’t eat much because the thought of walking through the dorm to get to the kitchen seems overwhelming. Rather than going to class, you spend most of your time staring at the wall, trying to sleep but not able to. You’re only 19, away from your family for the first time. And you’re terrified.
Sorry, kid, but you’ve got a rough few years ahead of you. Soon, you’ll withdraw from your university, choosing to live at home and attend community college. Your symptoms won’t go away, though. They’ll get worse before they get better. You’ll be diagnosed first with depression, and put on an antidepressant that causes your thoughts to race and your body to shake, feeling as if energy is bursting out of your skin. This reaction will cause your psychiatrist to diagnose you with bipolar disorder.
