Photo by Sam Manns on Unsplash

A Thank You Note to My Closest Friends Who Don’t Call Me Anymore

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m tough to be around sometimes. I don’t mean this in an “oh woe is me” kind of way. I am aware, however, of the fact that my depression and anxiety does affect other people too. And quite a bit at that. I can become very antisocial and I can become all wallowy at times.

Sometimes I love to spend time with my friends. And when I do, they are there and supportive of a “Juliette night”

But enough is enough already. I need some time alone. I consider myself an extroverted introvert. I’m outgoing and bold when I’m interacting but then I crumple into a pile of silence and anonymity once I’m back at home.

At first, people think maybe there is something wrong and they check on me. I appreciate them for that. Despite my apologies, I inevitably hurt some feelings and feel awful for not responding to a message or call. But sometimes answering my phone feels impossible. After all, An introvert fighting a catatonic depression doesn’t make for the best prom date.

Enter my closest of friends.

They get me. They love me. They don’t call me.

They somehow know, despite the situation I put them in by being both a suicide attempt survivor and an extreme isolationist, exactly where the line of my necessary personal silence and my danger to myself intersect.

The funny thing is, the space they provide is what makes me know they love, accept, and trust me. Sure, those who blow my phone up love me too — but they don’t get it. Not really. This doesn’t make them any less valuable to me, I just appreciate that latter even more-so.

My friends and I do have some rules. Two phone calls in a row means that someone either needs me or needs to know that I am ok. Sometimes a quick “I’m here” text will do. If I don’t respond to that though, someone may bash my door down. Out of love of course.

And the medal of honor goes to…my best friend. She is an experienced talker, like, a really experienced talker. She is among the ones I am most impressed for she has adapted to me in a way that cultivates my mental health but does not sync naturally with her personality. Don’t think I don’t realize the worried predicament I place everyone in sometimes. I am continuously trying to get better.

So, to my best friends, you know who you are. I love you and I thank you. Your non-helicopter care reminds me that you have faith in me and in my recovery. Without the confidence boost that brings, I’m not sure where I would be.

You keep me here.