Anxiety: The Time has come
This is for you, the only one who never left, I think our time has come to an end.
We met when I was a kid, like an unsuspecting deer, you swept me up in your arms and gobbled the hell out of me. You get annoyed when I think too much about beginnings, so I will try to keep this short.
You were always a trickster, you loved showing up in the worst places. I think you had made it a habit: You embarrassing me, I mean. Remember my One year old party, the way I screamed endlessly, broke everything? You don’t remember? Well, I don’t either. That’s what blackouts do to a person. You lose big chunks of your memory. I only know this because of video footage.
You don’t like talking about it either, you get sweaty, then I get sweaty. You start pacing and my heart pulsates, you get angry then I get angry too. If I am being honest, that must have been our first big fight.
Breathe..
Breathe…
I was angry when everyone said they couldn’t see you. You would be right beside me wearing my favorite dress at the breakfast table. I did not want to stay with you any longer, the room was too small for the both of us. I told them and they didn’t believe. I told them you wore my clothes and mum went looking for the thermometer, Dad just shook his head incredulously.
Everyone thought I was mad, you said I was special because I was the only one lucky enough to see you. I felt a bit bad for wanting you to go away. You’ve always been nice to me, except the times when you’re not nice.
That day before we travelled to the village, you got angry. You didn’t want to go and you should have said so. I understand though, you knew about what my Uncle had done to me. I fell more in love with your camaraderie spirit then. You were willing to feel everything for me.
You got so angry, you pushed me into the corner. I sat there with my legs folded up while you paced around the room. You kept screaming like a banshee, your veins were popped and your body kept folding into itself. You were slowly rocking yourself on the bed, I felt so sad for you.
Mum came into the room, she tried to touch you. You kept saying “No”. You flinched when she touched you and you scooted closer to the window. I was surprised she hadn’t noticed me at the corner of the room. She had this impatient look on her face when she went looking for dad. I quickly tiptoed to your side and held you in my hands. Everything won’t be fine but we would work through it. You relaxed finally, the shaking had stopped . You always had a soft spot for me.
The Bus ride home that day was one of the days I despised you the most. For one, we had this discussion before I talked you into going on the errand. We had decided to behave, look down, not talk to anyone: I especially wanted you to avoid some particular people because I know it triggers a negative reaction from you. You don’t like when they come too close so we planned to avoid them.
Looking back, maybe I had blamed you a bit too much. They were the ones that came looking for us, you didn’t do anything we never agreed to do. A conversation and you were shrieking, I never should have told you of when he groped my behind and ground his crotch on my panty covered vagina a few months ago. I could see the moment you dissappeared into yourself. You eyes had this light in them, I got scared, the sheen of sweat on your forehead was telling. You bit painfully into your bottom lip while your attempted to completely tangle your legs together. You were backing up into the wall.
He was oblivious, he stood there sizing up your 14 year old body. He licked his lips lecherously. I could tell your eyes were following the movement because of the audible shudder that left your body. For every step you took backward, he took two forward. Your legs were not cooperating as much as you wanted them to. They couldn’t run without you sending the message. You were so stuck in your head, your whole body was paralysed.
When he left, I ran to you and hugged you. You didn’t calm down immediately. We sat there on the ground for another 10 minutes till your hiccuping stopped totally and the shuddering was at a minimum. I remember thinking you were my hero, my protector, you always took the pain for me. My shock absorber.
I have found that living with you, comes with it’s ups and downs. For one, you are my biggest critic. I say “Critic” because that is honestly the most friendly word I could call what you refer to as “harsh reality”. Whenever I have an idea, your ever present eye scrutinizes it thoroughly and totally berates me, then dismisses the idea. I respect you too much to come at you for casually dismissing whatever I have worked hours on so that’s where it remains- in the dustbin.
Your questions leave me confused, I don’t know how to react when you push questions that should have no place in “normal” conversation at me to prove I am indeed living in a bubble. Then again, the both of us have not know what “normal” is for the longest time.
I am a lost girl, floating through life, soaking up its experience through hooded eyes and you’re the appendage to my existence.
I don’t sleep well any longer, you keep me up with your discussions. At first, they seemed ridiculous, what you said I mean. Eventually, you wore me down, I even came to anticipate the mind boggling sessions we would have once it was dark and no one was awake. You would creep into bed with me, tuck yourself under my armpit and marvel me. You wouldn’t even need to check if I was asleep, I can’t sleep well with you in my too small bed.
Dad complained the other day that my eyes look swollen, he asked if I had slept well. I nodded numbly. No way I was letting him know you were still in the house. He asked about you, I was surprised. I never knew he still knew you were in the house. He must have heard us talking the night before, we had to try to be quiet from now on.
He said he had read about you on the internet. Had you also met other lonely kids like me? We were at the dinning table now: dad and mum had this sympathetic look on their face. They said they would take me somewhere and I was supposed to leave you there. I felt a tug in my chest, why would I want to let you go now? They said it was for the best.
We already have a very comfortable relationship, I can't let you go so easily.
