‘Are you leaving already?’- Dealing with abandonment issues in adulthood
I still recall the first time I was told I have ‘abandonment issues’. It was by a therapist a few years back. Even thinking about the word abandon is triggering. My current therapist asked me to come terms with my abandonment issues and write about it. So here goes. I have also made a conscious attempt to write this piece without judging myself too harshly because it still something that makes me feel quite uncomfortable.
I say the word abandon out loud. What does it make me feel?
It makes me feel like I have been pushed off a cliff by someone I thought would hold me tight and never let go. It makes me feel like the earth beneath me is cracking up and I am caving in to a darkness I am unable to comprehend or measure the depths of.
It makes me feel worthless of being loved, like a complete failure and magnifies every flaw in myself times hundred. It makes me feel like no matter how hard I try everybody will eventually let me down and walk out the door. It makes me feel like a complete fool.
What are abandonment issues?
Simply put, abandonment issues is a strong and intense fear of losing loved ones. It causes an individual to feel anxiety, high-stress and paranoia even when there is no real logical reason for them to feel so. The root of experiencing these issues more often than not come from traumatic events in childhood. Some individuals continue to fear abandonment as they grow older. Although it is less common, abandonment issues can also sometimes begin in adulthood from events that a person is unable to cope with and that cause them high levels of distress.
How do abandonment issues manifest?
After some serious uncomfortable contemplation, I have come to see that I experience abandonment in interpersonal relationships and my work-life to an extent. I also realise a lot of what I will discuss below have been very subconscious and subtle manifestations. In this piece, I will only stick to how they impact my relationships.
In relationships, I tend to take the position of a giver — always operating from a space of fear and going all out to ensure I do things that in my view will make the partner/friend stay. I take on more responsibility for their lives than I should and that is considered healthy, without being asked to. I can get paranoid and often lack basic trust which results in me doubting people and their intentions even when they are truly good. I become very clingy and often stifle the person with a constant need to be spoken to at different points in the day. I constantly need validation and when I don’t get this things can get very painful. When my emotions are not validated enough, I end up feeling very angry and tend to assume the worst in situations of confrontation. The worst and most hurtful manifestation is when a partner asks for space or even worse wants to separate from me. I claw and cling real tight and refuse to let them take space. In the past, I have broken down severely, self-harmed and had long-lasting depressive spells that I have needed intense therapy to come out of. Even the word ‘break-up’ can send me down spiralling.
The fear of abandonment is a physical feeling too. I feel heavy in my chest, like the world is going to come to an end and like the walls are caving in on me. I feel this need to cling tighter which never really serves any purpose and puts the person off even more. People often feel trapped and like there is no way out of dealing with my responses except to block me out of their lives completely.
How does one deal with their fear of abandonment?
To be very honest, I am still figuring it out and I have a long way to go. The first step for me was to accept that I live with this fear and that is ingrained in my personality. In the past, I would also project and blame my partner for being inhuman and insensitive. I am trying really hard to not do this anymore. I keep telling myself that people’s behaviour and actions are not a reflection of the love I deserve and my self-worth.
I have accepted, at least intellectually that this is something that has happened due to trauma in my early childhood and is here to stay. Instead of trying to remain in denial, I want to do something about it. This first step of acceptance of its existence makes me feel like the monster in the room has a name and form and it’s only a matter of time before I can tackle it and make it disappear.
The road to acceptance itself, can be hard. And once you have finally nailed it, the self-loathing starts. You tell yourself that this abandonment is why most of your relationships have been so tumultuous and failed. You start to feel like it is so deeply ingrained that there may never be a way out of it. So, I have started by actively developing compassion for myself.
Speaking freely to someone like my therapist, parents, peer-support or friends who are truly non-judgemental can go a long way in making you feel compassion for yourself. By speaking about it, I have started to realise that I am not alone in experiencing abandonment. I also have started to realise that my issues alone have not contributed to breaking of relationships in the past. More often than not others have also done things that were hurtful, lacked patience with me and had their own issues that caused chaos. So fight that voice in your head that keeps making you feel worthless and forgive yourself for those you hurt in the past.
Since the root of abandonment issues is often trauma from the past, it is important to visit the past in a safe-space and come to terms with what happened. Seeking out a good therapist is one such way that I have personally experienced. Finding a good therapist is a process that takes time and effort. It is important to meet a few (unless you get lucky the first time!), understand their process and settle on one that you are most comfortable with. If your mental health is very unstable and you are afraid of therapy because you feel like it will open a can of worms that you are not ready to handle please tell the mental health professional that so they can help you figure what additional support you will need outside of therapy. For me, psychiatric medication and peer support have helped me stabilise to a great extent and manage the painful conversations in therapy without falling apart.
Therapy in the long-run helps put things in perspective. You will have a safe space to revisit the root of you abandonment issues and slowly start to process, learn and heal from it. Often times, our trauma causes us so much shame that we bury them deep in our mind and they fester without us realising. Therapy can definitely help minimise the negative manifestations of your abandonment issues and hopefully start to teach you how to have healthy relationships.
I understand how disabling abandonment issues can be. It often results in us flitting from one toxic relationship to another without realizing why. I have recently started my journey and the fact that I am able to write about it so vulnerably itself is a win for me. I know this is a long journey ahead but I am hopeful and I hope the same for everyone who feels this way.
