Bipolar, but not only…
I’m a young guy that happen to be living with a bipolar disorder. I wanted to share my story, not for a self-pity routine, but because it felt like a way to exorcise the shame I sometimes do feel about having a mental health issue.
I grown up in a small village in the Belgian countryside, surrounded by a loving family. They gave me all the chances to be a good person, the chances to prepare for and go study at university.
Despite all that, there were things that went wrong when I was a teenager, maybe I’ll write about that in another post because I think it’s an important topic, but I’m not 100% at ease yet to share that. It’s about protection of children from dangers on the internet.
During university, I was far too distracted by the social life I was discovering because I was finally in a big city, it was a whole new world for me. Looking back at that period, I now see signs of the disease emerging. I was over-energised, very talkative, full of projects but also unable to really develop one.
But it only looked like I wasn’t a serious student, instead of a student having trouble making the right choices because of a medical factor. To cut down the suspense, no, I didn’t get my diploma.
In 2008, I was living in an artistic environment, kind of luxury bohemian life, experiencing drugs at parties, having a high sex-drive, going to places-to-be galleries for vernissages drinks or the opera with tickets we received from friends working there. I also travelled several time with the friend I was living with and staying in 5 stars palaces. It felt like something very enjoyable at that time. But it just added to my mental health problem.
What had to happen happened, I had a major hypomanic crisis, scaring the people on the street. Police brought me to the hospital. That’s when the diagnosis of bipolar disorder arrived. I couldn’t realise that, I was too afraid of any people around me, I just wanted to be alone. I barely trusted my parents, and I went back living in their house. Eventually, medication and their support helped go back to a regular mood, after months, almost a year, of desperation and useless crying with self-pity.
I went back to the city when it all seemed ok again. I had stopped the medication, I found no reason to take it anymore cause I was alright. But then, the bad habits came back.
After a little while, I was having hallucinations with coke and marijuana, and although I had enough experiences with different aspects of IT to get a first job easily (I spoke very well, knowing the right terms to use for the interviewer to be convinced), I didn’t keep the job for more than 3 months.
This schema, of being over-energised for a short period, then depressed like never before, I’ve known it a few times since then, they got worse each time, but now I don’t dare to stop my medication anymore, the last time was far too dark and difficult to recover from. My relatives and friends wouldn’t let me do that neither, and I’m in a much better shape now, I even found the need to share that here.
I want to express my gratitude to my beloved people, I thank them from the bottom of my heart, for their patience and for the love they gave me when I needed it the most. They are still there now, and I try not to need their help too often or if I do, help them back.
Everyone needs an IT guy sometime, right ?
PS: I don’t know what was your intention by reading my post, but if you feel lost and you don’t have much energy, use what remains to get in touch with people that can help you, the ones that are willing to, or a doctor, a pharmacist, a dedicated phone line. Don’t stay alone.
