Struggling Through My Breakup While Autistic
There is no predictability involved.
I’m really struggling with a broken heart, and being autistic adds a nuance to my healing journey. I keep trying to reason with myself, and it’s just not working. I think about the processes that happen in my brain when I’m dealing with the pain. I think about the neurotransmitters and the roles they play in the way I’m feeling.
I tried to outsmart my broken-heartedness on a few of occasions. First, I read that love is a bond that is caused by chemicals. Oxytocin, to be exact. I’ve read about oxytocin. I know we release it when we have skin-to-skin contact, and when we have tender feelings for people we care about and spend time with, so I tried to recreate the feeling mechanically. I used my logical mind to choose a new, more appropriate mate. I started dating someone close to me during one of my separations from my ex. I spent lots of time with this appropriate mate and made sure that our thighs were touching when we sat together or got really good bear hugs from him when we parted. I laughed at all of his jokes and leaned on him when we watched TV. I did this for a whole two weeks and was distraught when it didn’t work.
I couldn’t manipulate my feelings using a rudimentary understanding of neuroscience.
