CASPER HAS RUN OFF WITH MY BRAIN!

Michelle Monet
Sep 7, 2018 · 4 min read

Bring it back!!

During my panic attacks sometimes it feels like I somehow lose myself, which is one of the scariest symptoms of anxiety and C-PTSD.

In my case it feels like I ‘leave my body’ literally — like I abandon myself, as my therapist calls it.

It’s like I want to run — even from MYSELF!

When I say I ‘abandon myself’ it is a bit like Casper (the friendly(?) ghost takes my brain and runs off with it.

He runs and leaves me brainless?

Its like he takes:

my brain
my mind
my logic
my senses
my peace
and my
rationality

and
— runs — FAST!

So I am well aware that one symptom of panic attacks for me is how strong the urge to FLEE is.

It feels almost life or death that I ‘MUST GET OUTTA HERE QUICK!”

It feels unsafe here.

It feels as if I am losing total control of my surroundings, which is honestly more frightening than the panic attack itself, sometimes!

I’ve noticed during my past few panic attacks that this seems to be a common theme: Feeling that my brain is being taken away.

So, I decided to ‘name it’ CASPER.

I even talk to it sometimes and say things to it like:

“OH Hi Casper! I see you are trying to run off with my brain because you want to leave this situation? You want me to escape from whats happening and you think by taking my brain away that will happen?”

I hear ya Casper. You are just trying to keep me safe and you think if I get to my car or home to my cats then I will be. I get it. Thank you.”

I’ve been told that it’s helpful to thank it for ‘caring so much about me’, instead of getting mad.

Hmm. Ok. SO WHY do I want to flee so damn bad and why do I feel like I’m losing myself?

I looked into this and found that this symptom is somethings called: Depersonalization.

WHAT IS DEPERSONALIZATION?


So, now that I KNOW what this thing is it feels somehow more manageable. I like to name it, then claim it.

All of this helps me in my recovery from C-PTSD. The fact is clear. I have unresolved childhood traumas that for some reason came up and grabbed me at age 54. I am now almost 57.

I am committed to learning about this insidious thing but I know an important step is to NAME all the things I feel.

When we know what something is, I think it is easier to cope with it.

For now, the fact that I’ve named and defined this feeling as CASPER, it has helped me to deal with things a bit better and I’m thankful.


THANKS FOR READING!

www.michellemonet.com


Invisible Illness

We don't talk enough about mental health.

Michelle Monet

Written by

Musician. Author. Poet. Cat Mama. Seeker. Curious Creator. Currently writing showbiz memoir and Broadway style Musical. contact: michelle@michellemonet.com

Invisible Illness

We don't talk enough about mental health.

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