Catching Fire
Living with Anxiety…Depression’s misunderstood relative.
26 years. My brother would have been 26 yrs old this year and for each of those years I’ve suffered anxiety and panic attacks.
Growing up in Nigeria, the image of someone with mental problems was the person we saw on the streets with tattered clothes going through the dustbin looking for food or the people in a hospital those in Lagos called ‘Yaba Left’
Those people had probably been pursued and cursed from their village we would say. Now I look into Nigeria and think, how do people live without heavy mental problems? Everyone is on the edge, a friend says, constant survival mode.
5 yrs ago I began to make the connection with my brother’s death and my anxieties.
I was 4 at the time and it was a school night. We saw our parents rush out of the house with Emmanuel, he was a baby. It was the first and only time I saw my mum cry (now I wonder how she coped!). We waited up to know what had happened to him. I remember my mum saying he could not breath.
Every time I‘ve had attacks I’ve felt I could not breath.
Just like Fire, a timeline
There is anxiety and there is anxiety disorder. People say ‘it’s all in the mind’ haha yes we know, we know it’s irrational , we also know that when an attack comes, it feels like you are going to die. Yes ‘the mind’ affects the physical and vice versa. Many times anxiety disorder sufferers get depression but that hasn’t been my case, just more triggers added over the years.
Anxiety, it is like fire. It starts with one piece of paper, jumps to your favorite sweater, next thing you know the entire house is down in flames.
Shortly after my brother’s death, I began to show signs of misophonia, there were sounds I absolutely could not stand, especially chewing noises. Sitting at the dining table was torture, perhaps that’s where I learned to pick at my food ‘Like a bird’ my brother would say. Those sounds made me want to fight or flee.
Between age 6 and 10 I experienced an onset of panic attacks at night, where it felt like beings were pressing on my chest, it didn’t help that my mum started going to so-called pentecostal, demon conscious churches. I stopped watching horror movies at this point, with Child’s Play breaking the camel’s back. When I couldn’t sleep I’d run to my parent’s room. I also had to sleep with the lights on but in Nigeria, sometimes choice has nothing to do with it, in the dark you must sleep.
Also within this period Trichotollomania began. Now, my family (inherited from my dad) are prone to destress by touching our hair, but my anxiety disorder took it to another level. I had pulled out a certain portion of my hair and my mother made me cut the whole thing when I was 8. I didn’t mind but I was upset that I wasn’t given a punk cut.
While in secondary school, which was a military boarding school with plenty tales of ghosts, many demon conscious seniors and school mates who died, I had panic attacks just like how he describes it.
I tried to figure out why it felt like things were crawling under my skin, like my blood was bubbling, I would later come to understand that they were Benign Fasiculations. No body could answer me then, not my dad, brother, mother or doctors, it was frustrating!
I had frequent stomach problems too, turned to Google when the year 2000 rolled in which then triggered health anxiety . I also experienced Sleep Paralysis a few times at school.
In University both in Nigeria and abroad, I don’t remember a lot of particular incidents. I think I was coping well till I started living away from family in England. I called 999 for the first time after crashing my landlady’s party, after having a panic attack. Oh the shame, the embarrassment, the dread, the fear. I spent the night in hospital, didn’t even have a penny to return home with.
Lately while I still experience all the above, I started having a feeling in my throat like everything I eat will make me choke, triggered by one or two incidents of almost choking. This has been to me the hardest thing, not being able to eat.
However, I’m still at the point where I can stop the fire from spreading further and burning down the house. Thanks to a number of things detailed below, I can and you can live a less anxious life.
Coping & Treatments
Smug. That’s how I felt when my GP said I didn’t need drugs last month. “You understand the roots, you know what is going on” Yes I thought, feeling self-satisfied and confident. 26yrs without a pill, I have coped well.
When I returned home, the shadows returned. Yes, I know why I suffer anxiety, yes it has gone on for a long time, yes I know my triggers, but that gave no comfort because I was still there thinking, why wouldn’t it stop! I’m anxious about my family especially given no one lives where I live. I now get anxious about the fire catching unto something else. I love being future-oriented but it makes anxiety worse.
Still, in those dark moments, I know these are present to walk with me through the valley.
Music, Prayer & Bible study — Music is very powerful and listening to it everyday certainly refreshes my mind. Recent favorite is from Danny Gokey When I feel an attack coming I try to sing. Another thing I am now remembering to do is pray, and the image of Jesus going to the garden of gethsemane to pray comes to mind. Studying the bible gives me assurance of a God who walks with us through the worst things. Some favorite verses include Psalm 94:19
“In the multitude of my anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul.”
Talking — This is super helpful, what I’ve found is there are people who won’t be bothered to listen, which is fine, don’t stop talking. Write a blog if there’s no one around you, get it out. “Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God” We also need to talk to ourselves more and remind ourselves of the truths our life stands upon.
Friend & Family Support — Prov 12:25 “Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression,But a good word makes it glad.” One of my Uncles goes through the same, I’m so happy that there is someone in my life that knows exactly how I feel! We talk about our challenges, share scripture and encourage one another. He introduced me to eating healthier, supplementation, meditation and breathing exercises, which have gone a long way in helping me live a less frustrated life. My family and friends pray for me as well, which is very good to know.
Exercise — This is something I can surely do more of. I walk alot which I use as a cheat but when I spend some more time doing a variety of exercises, there’s a freshness the brain gets and it puts your mind off a lot of things, making you healthier in the process.
Comedy — It doesn’t take a lot to make me laugh, so I seek this out on youtube, and do a binge, after a while my mind is off the looming anxiety and I can do my work.
Creative Work — I write a lot, currently have over 5 blogs, I just have to get all the things piling up in my head out, whether it’s being read or not, it keeps me sane!. Also the work I do for money is a huge blessing because I love it. it calms me down when I design and being able to release creativity is a huge positive boost to my mind.
Health Check ups — Though I’m still seeking answers to things like the tight feeling in my throat, my stomach troubles and the constant twitches which could be triggered by stress, cold or heat. I try to make sure that nothing else is seriously wrong with me by doing blood tests, xrays etc maybe once a year or just talking to my GP.
Helping Others — I know how easy it is to feel sorry for oneself. BFS and Misophonia make me highly irritable and I usually do not want to be around other humans when it is full on. Still, it should humble us that suffering is our common birthright as humans. It’s not just about you, reach out to someone else.
The Real
We all have mental problems, just as there’s no one who is 100% in their physical health, same goes for mental. Some of us are more susceptible to certain things due to our genes, some by environmental influences and life experiences.
What we can do is practice mindfulness, become more aware of our minds, our thoughts, our bodies. We can’t afford to be passive about our mental health. If you are Christian like I am, (might help some of you who aren’t ) Remember people like David, Paul, they were very outspoken of their anxiety and depression. Ps 23 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” 2 Cor 4:8–15 “We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed — ” Psalm 102 is also a great piece to read. We should know that we have control over our minds (Rom 8)even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Find one or more people who can listen, who can support you, seek treatment via counselling even if you think you do not need it now.
Our quality of life is not in getting few challenges but how strong we are in any storm of life
You can stop the fire, for yourself or someone you know. Start with today, you can still make a change.
And my brother…I’m convinced I will see him again.
“And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown. And he replied: Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.
So I went forth, and finding the Hand of God, trod gladly into the night. And He led me towards the hills and the breaking of day in the lone East.” — M.L.H
For Mental Health Awareness Week (16–22 May 2016)
Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn (recommended by reader)
