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Complex Trauma & Helplessness
When there is no escape
Like most folks plagued by complex trauma, willful self preservation had me convinced that what I endured wasn’t as severe or debilitating as it actually was. This was a blessing and a curse as it kept me tethered to illusions that buffered me from debilitating truths. To further complicate matters, I was contemptuous of my fragility and vulnerability and to some extent I blamed myself for what was done to me.
What’s more, distracting from my inner wounds involved defiantly preoccupying myself with external dangers or injustices. Risky behaviors served as a rebellion against perceived vulnerability or helplessness. This strategy was reinforced by a hyper-independent persona, which paradoxically clashed with traumatic loneliness and a deep-seated longing for love, which in turn fueled a compulsive pursuit of connection.
In many ways, these coping mechanisms saved me, as I was on my own with no familial support. On the other hand, if I was to reap the benefits of a full recovery those very illusions which served me well needed to be shattered. Accepting helplessness and surrendering to the reality of the bleak life I was born into may have been too annihilating to consider, but eventually embracing horrifying truths was a necessary trajectory towards liberation.
