Coronavirus helped my anxiety
and I feel guilty about it
I know what you’re thinking. How dare she write that coronavirus helped her anxiety when the entire world is suffering in one way or another. Well, not to worry because I already feel guilty about admitting it.
These past two and a half years have been filled with great pain, loss, and trying to understand who I am, which of course woke up the big monsters inside me: depression and anxiety.
As a teenager, I went through severe depression and I thought after surviving it then that I had put it behind me.
Having worked in the humanitarian field for many years, I ended up with short-term contracts due to uncertain funding. When my contract ended in December 2017, I already had been looking for a new job for months. Over a year of interviewing and still I had found nothing which was odd since I usually would go on one interview and land the job. This, of course, caused me great insecurity and depression since I was no longer able to do the things I used to when I was financially stable. I was anxious all of the time. I would wake up in the middle of the night sweating and it would be hard for me to breathe.
I decided that I had to leave the country I grew up in, my home, Greece, and move to the U.S. where my family was now living. I decided this on a whim and though I was used to moving around a lot, in my mind this would signify that it would be impossible for me to move back to Greece any time soon.
Going to the States meant living with my parents after 12 years of living alone, not having a job, and not knowing where I will end up. After a couple of months there, I ended up getting a job in Boston, a city that I loved since I went to college there. As it has it, Boston has become one of the most expensive cities in the States and my dead-end job did not allow me to support myself let alone live in a decent area. I became even more depressed, was having panic attacks frequently, I lost a lot of weight in a short period of time, and was suicidal. I had put so much time and effort working in a specific field over the years, I moved from my home only to end up doing something I hated, being completely alone and not even able to support myself.
After three months I decided to quit this job and once again move back with my parents. My anxiety was off the charts, not being able to sleep, not knowing where I am going to end up once again, going on interview after interview and again not getting a decent job. I was in such a bad place that I stood at the edge of the balcony one day and was contemplating jumping but thankfully my mother saw me and pulled me inside. It’s as if I was in a cloud of depression and I could not even realize what I was doing.
Things were not happening the way I hoped even though I was doing enormous strides, taking random, minimum wage jobs and all the while applying to other jobs. I missed my friends, I felt lonely and I did not know what to do anymore. I would speak with my therapist in Greece from time to time but not much changed. The circumstances had brought me to this point and I was not sure how to change that.
As it has it, a series of events occurred which opened up my eyes to what I really want to be doing career-wise which is working in the music industry. Of course, I was anxious about starting a new career that I have no experience in and everyone I spoke to said: “you need experience and it’s all about who you know”.
In February, I decided to take a break from everything and come to Greece for a month to visit my friends and family. Then the coronavirus broke out which meant I could not return to the States. We all know how this has affected everyone on the planet and the horrible impact it has had on people's lives, the economy, mental health, and the list goes on.
Yet, it was the first time in almost three years that my depression was subdued and I am no longer anxious. I thought about why that is and the simple explanation is that for the first time in a long time I feel that everyone is on the same page. That I am not the only one that has job insecurity, that is lonely, that does not know what I will do in my life. By no means am I glad that people are dealing with this.
I would prefer to be lifting that burden alone but this has helped me pause and realize that there really is nothing for me to do right now. My anxiety has peaked only once since all of this. When I started to really think about the fact that getting into the music industry that has been so horribly impacted by COVID-19 will be even harder now. Yet, knowing that everything has to be re-invented has given me permission to not wake up and go to sleep beating myself up about how I have failed, how I will do nothing with my life, and all these uncertainties and inadequacies I feel. It’s as if I can now focus on more important things like the value of human relationships and the importance of having human interaction. Of course, I feel the uncertainty and stir crazy but I know that won’t last forever.
It scares me that it took a global pandemic to make me feel more at ease.
This should never be the case and writing down these words I keep asking myself “what is wrong with you”.
Realizing that my anxiety and depression have gone away, or at least are put on pause, for now, is something I feel guilty about and also put into question my own sanity. Maybe though it has given me clarity: a job will not define who I am, broken relationships won’t define who I am. What matters are the people in your life and knowing that in hard times we all need a breather and a little extra support. After years I am able to understand myself better and realize that maybe what I want is not absent everywhere. Rather it’s all around me. In the people I love and that love me and in the moments we will eventually share again.
“Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.”- Roy T. Bennett
