Dating Someone With Depression
9 Things They Want You To Know — But Can’t Tell You
Dating someone with depression can be hard on both parties. While one struggles to understand their partner’s emotions and feelings, the other often feels misunderstood and alone in their fight with mental illness. It can be hard to talk about mental illness, and those with depression often have difficulty figuring out how to comprehend their own emotions and symptoms, let alone walking their significant other through how to deal with it and what they want from them.
Each case of depression is different from the next, and there is no perfect overall recipe to understanding and knowing how to help your struggling loved one. However, there are a few traits and thought processes that many with depression share, and understanding them might just bring you one step closer to being able to better care for your partner in times of need. These are 9 things you should know when you’re with someone who has depression, that they might not be able to explain to you themselves.
1. They’re not crazy. (They’re just a little unwell).
“If you are depressed and anxious, the main thing I want to tell you is: your pain makes sense. It has meaning. You aren’t a machine with broken parts. You are a human being with unmet needs. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re crazy or broken. You deserve love and practical support.” - Johann Hari
People with depression are not crazy. Their thought processes and fears, while sometimes extreme, make perfect sense. When their emotions are heightened, do not attempt to invalidate their feelings or use their illness against them by calling them crazy, because their feelings are in fact very valid. You also do not need to walk on eggshells around them or pity them.
That being said, depression is still an illness, and should be treated as such. There is a common courtesy that must come with this knowledge.
For example, if you know that a certain event in the past is a trigger for your partner which might lead to a depressive episode, then you should be wary not to bring up said event, especially in a casual or inconsiderate manner.
Just as you would not intentionally bring an allergen around a highly allergic person, do not knowingly present triggers to a depressive person.
2. They want you to notice when they’re not okay.
“Being depressed, all I needed was someone who could listen to me, believe in me, encourage me, but most of all, understand me.” - Maxime Lagacé
These seems like it should be common sense, but it can be harder when you have a partner with depression. Everyone wants their partner to notice when something is wrong or when they are upset, but people with depression tend to be better at hiding their feelings, and aren’t as willing to communicate when they are hurting.
Learn their signs. Usually they might just “not seem themselves”. They might be more quiet than usual, or not eating as much or eating more than they usually do. They might start sleeping in later than they usually do, or burying themselves in their work.
Everyone has different signs, but paying close attention to your partner and learning theirs will not only help you catch it sooner, but it will show them that you care. Inside, they are silently screaming for someone to simply care enough to notice.
3. They don’t always know why they’re depressed.
“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.” -Stephen Fry
Depression is not simply being sad. It is a complex illness due to chemical imbalances in the brain and body, trauma, genetics, and a number of other things, all of which are still being tested. There is no one cause.
It is not as simple as “This happened, and now I’m sad”. It’s waking up with a feeling of gloom and exhaustion that can’t be explained, and a lack of motivation that can’t be helped.
That being said, asking a depressed person why they are depressed does no good, and often only confuses or upsets them further. The truth is, they don’t even know why they are upset. Instead, try asking if there’s anything you can do to help them feel better.
4. They don’t always want to talk about it.
“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.” -C.S. Lewis
They might not want to talk about it, or there may be nothing to talk about. If your loved one can’t pinpoint why they are sad, then they are just simply depressed at the moment. It happens.
If there does happen to be a specific reason they are depressed, and they want to talk to you about it, they will. If not, do not press them too hard. It can be hard to open up about having a mental illness, and they might not want to share the thoughts that are running around in their head.
Let them have that privacy. Make it known that you are there if they want to talk, but do not pressure them into sharing something they are uncomfortable doing so.
5. They need constant reassurance.
“Every thought a person dwells upon, whether he expresses it or not, either damages or improves his life.” - Lucy Mallory
Depression can make you doubt yourself — constantly. Chances are, your partner has a million little voices in their head constantly nagging at them. These voices make them overthink their actions, overthink your responses and actions toward them, and overthink the general society’s view of them. They will constantly question of they are good enough, if you love them enough, if they are doing things right, and everything in between.
If it seems like your partner is fishing for compliments, they probably are. If they ask a million times if you really love them, they want a genuine answer.
This is perfectly okay. Give them all the reassurance in the world. Lift them up like no other. They need it more than most, and they will love you all the more for it.
After all, what harm is there in paying a few more compliments and reassurances to the person you love?
6. They’re not lazy, they’re depressed.
“I have never felt so much pain in my life. It was tough for me to even get out of bed and I had days when I couldn’t walk, let alone write a rhyme.” - Eminem
One of the common misconceptions of depressed people is that they are lazy. This comes from the fact that they can often be messy and unproductive when they are in depressive stages.
In fact, this is a direct symptom of depression. It is not that they are lazy, it is that they are exhausted, both mentally and physically. Depression takes a toll on the mind, often leaving it’s victims too drained to do the things they would normally do in life, making it hard to even get out of bed.
Calling them lazy for not cleaning or completing tasks will only worsen their depression and feeling of self-worth. Instead try encouraging them or even offering to help them with these tasks and complete them alongside them.
7. Sometimes when they’re angry, it’s not your fault. (But it’s not theirs either).
“Your inward conflicts express themselves in outward disasters.” - Jiddu Krishnamurti
When your loved one starts arguments that may seem to be out of nowhere, or blown out of proportion, understand that this may be a consequence of their depression.
Depressions heightens, distorts, and displaces emotions. Often times when the feeling cannot be correctly processed, it comes out as anger. They may be angry at the world, actually sad but releasing it with anger, or simply disproportionately angry with you for something you did.
If they seem to be blowing things out of proportion, chances are that their depression is simply heightening how upset they were to begin with. Understand that this is not your fault, nor is it theirs. Listen to the things they are saying, and avoid instigating the argument further. Validate their feelings and provide reassurance. Once they have calmed down, chances are they will be more willing to talk things out and compromise.
8. They usually don’t want to be left alone, even if they say they do.
“Sometimes, when I say “I am ok”, I want someone to hold me tight, look me in the eyes and say “No, I know you are not”.” - Paulo Coelho
When your partner is depressed, they may often say one thing but mean another. Distancing, or self-isolating, is a common symptom of depression. Distancing is a self-destructing path, where the person pushes others away for one of many reasons.
This can be because they are afraid to hurt those around them, they are afraid of being hurt by others, they feel they aren’t good enough for others, they are embarrassed of their mental state, or any number of other reasons.
When your partner says they want to be left alone, chances are they don’t. This is often times a cry for help.
Be there for them. Assure them that it’s okay to not be okay, but that you will be there with them through it, to help them pull through. Don’t try to make them talk if they don’t want to. Don’t ask questions, because chances are they won’t want to answer them. Bring them food, put on a movie, and just be there.
9. They want you to care.
“Going through anxiety or depression or any other psychological condition doesn’t make you unlovable — it makes you human.” - Seth J. Gillihan
More than anything else, those with depression just want you to care. Seeing you make an effort to understand them will mean the world to them.
Be there for them. Let them know you want to help. Learn their personal triggers and tells. Do research to better understand depression and some of the major signs and symptoms.
You’ve already taken the first step by reading this article.
