Decoding the Voice Inside my Head and Attempting to be Free of it

Is it possible to unlearn something that defines me?

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My head is never a lonely place. It’s continuously occupied with thoughts, reflections, ideas, and recommendations.

I do have more than one voice inside my head. At times, it gets chaotic, as the voices intermingle and contradict each other.

But there has always been a distinct voice that has continuously provided me with reason, criticism, and guidance. I often engage in lengthy heart-to-heart conversations with it. The voice keeps me in check and tells me what I could have done differently or better.

I struggle with decision making and am prone to overthinking the simplest of things. I often find it challenging to stick with a choice. I also have trouble with impulse management. This dangerous cocktail has forced me to look up to this voice more, over time, and develop a codependent relationship with it.

Then, a year ago, while I was going through one of the lowest phases of my life, I developed an unfortunate tendency to doubt everything about myself. I was (rather unsuccessfully) dealing with extreme anxiety and paranoia. In these waves of doubt, I once, purely by accident, questioned this voice. It was during the most mundane of activities, and in the past, I wouldn’t have given it a second glance. But that doubt led to a series of events that would change my perception of the voice forever.

It was a regular weekday afternoon, and I was making my lunch. When I cook for myself, I prefer to eyeball things. I like going with the flow, singing along to music, and phasing out from my otherwise anxiety-ridden day. Suddenly, in an ill-fated turn of events, I accidentally dropped a lot of soy sauce in my Asian rice bowl, which made the dish inedible. Seconds later, the voice hit me, with a relentless barrage of criticism inclusive of many derogatory remarks.

I experienced a flurry of emotions ranging from anger, frustration to hatred, which finally led me to blame myself for never being able to do anything right. After I had some time to calm down, I found myself asking this question:

Is it okay to put myself through this extremely negative experience every time I do something wrong? Is it really helping me?

Surprisingly, I could not find a satisfactory answer to this question. My initial reaction was not to doubt the voice, as I considered it a better part of me. But after further deliberation, I concluded that something was amiss.

I was on a career break and had a lot of free time on hand. This juncture presented me with a unique opportunity: I could observe the voice across a multitude of situations and question it thoroughly.

If I had to predict the outcome of the journey, I would confidently state that I will come out of it with more belief. I would then cement this realization in my mind, that I needed the voice, my life depended on it.

“I was not predicting the future, I was trying to prevent it.” ― Ray Bradbury

1. Initial thoughts and observations:

The first thing that I observed was that my inner voice was unnecessarily harsh. I mean, I had just ruined my lunch, I could order some food, make a grilled cheese sandwich, or put together some snacks, to replace it. The only person who was affected by this act was me. Then, why was the voice so hard on me?

I also noticed that I let such thoughts storm my mind for a considerably large amount of time. I never tried to stop it. I never paused to tell myself that it is okay to fail: I was just making lunch. I have ordinary culinary skills. Cooking is not an activity where things tend to run ideally (for me, at least). Shouldn’t I have accounted for this? Somehow, the only acceptable outcome for the voice was perfection, that the dish: from planning to execution, should have been flawless.

Soon, I discovered that I was only able to make valid observations in simple situations. My self-belief was so low that in complex/hard cases, I would naturally assume that the voice is right. Even if I tried to assert my analysis, I couldn’t hold my own in an argument with it.

But there was something about these simple situations. As I did not have much at stake, I was able to see that the voice was being compulsively brutal. A couple of months ago, a similar circumstance had led me on to one of the greatest journeys of my life, about dealing with sadness. Thus, I continued, hoping that a string of such situations would take me to the next milestone.

At the same time, pondering over these points made me feel dizzy. After all these years, did I now have to accept that the voice does not work, and as a result, I cannot (actually) become better?

“I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head.” ― Paula Hawkins, The Girl on the Train

2. Looking through a magnifying glass:

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To assist my journey, I decided to remove a time limit. I kept my eyes and ears open and waited for revelations, realizations, and more profound observations to percolate into my mind. And they did:

1. The voice was making me feel equally bad for important and not-so-important things. The criticism presented by the voice was alike for not completing my work goal and for being unable to decide what to wear. For my outfit, I also felt the second wave of judgment (why am I obsessing over an unimportant thing, how is it adding value to my life, and the like). This similarity seemed absurd, as these two situations have a vast distinction in my rational mind.
2. The days when a couple of not-so-important things hadn’t gone my way were terrible. The bad feelings added up, growing incrementally in my mind, and eventually, I labeled it to be a bad day. Why was it a bad day? Well, I broke a bottle of face oil, which was a free sample. I struggled to wash a dish that I had left out for a while against my better judgment. I researched a new, trendy diet plan that was very similar to what I was currently eating and not working out for me. In retrospect, this seemed quite ridiculous to me. Why had I let these three things ruin my day?
3. Failing at the crucial things led me down a pit of hopelessness. When the essential things went awry or didn’t go my way, the voice was so disapproving and judgemental of me, that the experience was soul-crushing. The thing with essential things (in life) is that they seldom work out the way we want them to. It could be so, due to a myriad of reasons. I already knew this. But, the voice and my subsequent feelings were so all-consuming that there was no room to breathe, no opportunity to take a moment and remind myself of the same. Such experiences always left me with a feeling of extreme hopelessness.
4. The voice discredited the days that went well. After months of back and forth, I sat down and wrote 3000 words in one day — the real, humble beginning of my writing career. The voice ensured that I wasn’t appreciative of this. It highlighted the fact that I hadn’t edited the piece yet, so I couldn’t possibly determine the quality of writing. What I have written could be a piece of junk; thus, I should not be happy. It didn’t stop until I lost complete faith in myself.
5. Instead of enabling my performance, the critic paralyzed it. Recently, I undertook a course and was unable to complete it in the stipulated time. I studied an adequate amount, but got cold feet before the exam and chose to pause it. The voice made me believe that when I attempt it again, I will have to start over. The negativity hung so heavy over my head that I could not begin to cope with the situation. I considered abandoning the course altogether, as I couldn’t face it again. This experience did not seem right. Even in the direst situations (which this was not), with the guidance of my voice, I should be able to pick myself up and carry on.

More similar experiences made me challenge the very validity of my voice. Until now, I was asking the question of how it helped become better. Now I was beginning to wonder if it worked against me. It was continuously, clouding my thought processes, affecting my mood negatively, and impeding my performance. I could no longer deny that there was a monumental problem with the way the voice was operating.

“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” — William James

3. The solution finding mission:

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Why was the voice acting in this manner?

Was it a case of high standards? Or was it a much deeper self-esteem issue?

By now, I knew only one thing: the voice had so much power over me because I allowed it. I adamantly believed that it’s good for me and let it have free reign over my mind. My current observations subverted my beliefs. All of the evidence pointed out that the voice has been holding me back and negatively affecting my mental health.

After internalizing this conclusion, and making my peace with the fact that I hadn’t thought to examine the voice in twenty-eight years of my existence, I decided to do something about it.

Following the well-trodden path of all my (inward) journeys, I started with research. I read many self-help materials related to this topic and absorbed as much knowledge as possible. I made copious notes, highlighted important information, and summarized my findings.

Why? When I start thinking about my problems, I get too involved in them, lose perspective, and start feeling bad. On the contrary, research helps obtain an objective point of view. Reading about other people’s experiences, expert advice, and sometimes even Youtube videos give me my (much needed) starting points. I then dive into the depths of my mind and explore my thoughts, behavior, and actions. Sometimes I go off on tangents and land in other (not relevant) places. When I get lost, the points that I have noted, act as anchors, and help bring me back to my journey.

In this case, I did not get a starting point. The answer did not come from deep within me, either. Instead, the internet helped me find it directly. All I needed to do was enter the right keywords on Google and voila; there were endless resources that would aid my quest.

I learned that the voice, which I had previously regarded as something else, was actually my inner critic. Although it was correcting me at every step, it wasn’t objective. Its job wasn’t helping me become better either; it just existed to judge me. The more importance I gave it, the more it weighed on my mind, making my life increasingly miserable.

I did further research to verify the same. I didn’t need to, because things had suddenly started making sense to me, but I wanted to double-check anyway.

The critical voice can be different for different people; mine was a culmination of my worst fears about myself. I realized that I genuinely believed that if I don’t push (negatively motivate) myself every day, I will not amount to anything in life. I literally wouldn’t get out of bed. My rational mind knew that positive motivation works remarkably better than negative motivation. But, as I was letting my most crippling doubts guide me, I started to believe that simple acts like setting goals for the day or telling myself “you’ve got this” are not going to cut it.

I also became aware that this wrongful belief stemmed from deeper mental health issues caused by childhood trauma. Resolving them would be a more significant, longer journey/s. I decided to pursue them later.

I also realized that what I previously thought to be a careful analysis of past situations by the voice, to help me learn from them, was actually rumination. The definition of this concept could not be more similar to my most frequent thought pattern. A connection between rumination and mental health issues, such as anxiety, has been established by a body of research. This practice needed to stop. Not all my thoughts were terrible, but the writing was on the wall.

Was I spending more time on the problem or the solution? The former.

Did I go back to analyze the same situation again and again? Yes.

Did I question the effectiveness of the solution multiple times? Yes.

I found multiple solutions that I could directly apply to start acting on this problem. One unique technique was to have a conversation with my inner voice and plead my case. Another one that stood out for me was the importance of developing compassion for oneself.

Challenging my inner critic was going to be a strenuous activity, but it was unavoidable. Accepting who I was, minus the voice pushing me on a given day would help me find my normal. If I could accomplish more by being gentle with myself, then there would be nothing like it. I desperately wanted to learn how to let go of this voice. Thus, I moved on to phase two, which was trying to understand how to dethrone my inner critic.

“I think that little by little I’ll be able to solve my problems and survive.”― Frida Kahlo

4. How I actually made it work:

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1. The not-so-important things. If these things truly did not matter, then why should they affect me so much? Of course, at the moment, they make me feel bad, but the other thoughts accompanying it were utterly unnecessary. Upon observation, I found that most of these things were outside my control, and some of them were as simple as me forgetting to put out my bedside candle in time. I recognized the total invalidity of my voice here; It was making a mountain out of a molehill. I learned to ignore the voice, and if necessary, firmly tell it to stop. Then, I would resume my day, as if nothing happened.
2. The important things. I used to rely on the voice to direct these situations. At times I considered it my only source of hope, and now, I needed to give up my unhealthy dependence on it. I told myself that I need not face the situation head-on or find a solution asap. I could do anything from accepting the problem and moving on to hiding inside my comforter. The only thing I had to keep my eye on was my inner critic. At times I yelled, “quit it,” at other times, I drowned my thoughts in music. And eventually, it worked. I was able to finally realize that just because it is persistent, doesn’t mean that it is of any importance.
3. Holding it accountable: Whenever it was too harsh on me, I did not let it go without an explanation. “I can never motivate myself.” What does this mean? Why use the word “never,” Can it tell me what precisely I should have done? I continued this until I got my answers. I kept reminding myself to be objective, logical, and constructive. This exercise helped me sail through many puzzling situations, as I was not emotionally involved in them.
4. Journaling: When I was overwhelmed with my thoughts, I wrote about what I was feeling. It was miraculous as the voice did not come out on paper. I was able to motivate and inspire myself positively. This practice disproved the authority of the voice and helped me improve myself the right way.
5. Generous doses of Self-Love: As the critic kept rearing its head from time to time, I decided to combat it with extra self-love. When I ticked a task on my to-do list, I took a moment to enjoy the feeling. When I completed a work goal, I celebrated myself for a few minutes. I am not big on positive affirmations, but I decided to do it anyway. I decided to fight fire with water.
6. A no-tolerance policy: With many other (inward) journeys, I needed to dedicate a large portion of my efforts to acceptance. As that was not the case here, I decided to apply my time and energy to do the exact opposite. Over time I developed a no-tolerance policy for my inner critic. I fought it will all I have got. When I couldn’t, and it loomed over my head, I told it, “I see you; I am coming for you the next chance I get.” This approach may not be the healthiest, but I found it helpful to be radical (in my case). I followed it up with reminding myself that I do have all the tools that I need to deal with the problems in my life. The reign of the voice was over.

This journey was theoretically complete the moment I discovered what the voice was. From that point on, I have never looked back.

Decoding the voice inside my head, determining that it was my inner critic, and knowing the harmful effects it has had on me, was a life-altering realization.

However, putting these realizations to practice was another story. It was going to take time, repetition, and belief. I had to undo years of damage.

In the past, this realization would have made me feel disheartened. I would have labeled my current journey as incomplete and ineffective. Now, I wouldn’t make that conclusion. Now, I know better.

“Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” — Lao Tzu

This journey helped me develop compassion for myself. It helped me feel okay on a bad day. My thoughts (on the meter of harmful to positive) were now in neutral territory. It gave me a clear vision of the future. And every step that I took to control my inner critic made me a more fulfilled, content, and positive version of myself.

Although I have been progressing at a slow pace, when I look at the recent past collectively, I see myself transforming into a positively motivated, productive, and secure individual. The better version of myself that I always wanted to become.