Drowning in the deep
Molly H.
There I was, sitting motionless and emotionless. Answering questions that meant so much yet so little. As I made my story clear, I watched as she took notes and nodded simply along. She acted like she understood but really she could not relate.
I have always been bullied for as long as I can remember. However this compares to no experience I could wish on another. So I guess I might as well tell you my story and in which ways it’s changed me for the better and worse. When it was all perfect until jealousy took over. When you find out who your real friends are. Even today I think about it and tremble about how my condition worsened, the terror towards her I had and still have, after was so huge I had to be separated for the rest of my time at school.
January a cold time in England, but it was about to get colder. You see I had two best friends, Hannah and Molly, yes I know it may be stupid but I had a friend with the same name… Anyway we were so close yet someone always felt out of place, sometimes it was me ,sometimes it was them. However Hannah grew jealous of how close I and my friend Molly were becoming. So to prove how much she wanted to fit in, she became me…
Now when I say this I mean she dressed like me, she started to wear makeup, she started to follow me more than usual and she tried to be and speak like me.
Personally it was a nightmare ,everyone’s unique and I wanted to be, plus I don’t particularly want to be friends with myself. Moving on, numerous people told her to stop and be herself but no one could ruin her determination to fit in. This went on for months and months, until she grew angry of the amount of criticism she was gaining. She slowly but unwillingly started to be herself. Again a month or two passed by and she began to have mood swings and slowly lost the trust of me and Molly. She began to threaten, bully and blackmail me, accusing me of it all.
Nevertheless we all still stuck together until one day when someone had accused her of a dark plan she had.
She obviously denied it and became blameful and disrespectful towards me and my friend. Now every day we all walked to school and back together but that day me and Molly decided to give her some space to calm down and relax. She obviously didn’t like the idea of this as she stalked me and Molly home. Now when I say stalked I mean she chased us to my home and watched us, while threatening us via text. When we got to my house we balled our eyes out we felt terrorized, she had chased us home and made us feel disgusted with ourselves. Later that afternoon we received a phone call from Hannah’s mother explaining she was upset everyone was bullying her and how I and Molly stalked her home. We slowly realised she had completely flipped the situation making her the victim, we felt manipulated and disgusted by how someone could be that disrespectful towards another. Still terrorized from her chasing and stalking me, for a long while I felt unsafe in my own home ,unsure of what was to come.
The next day was tough, Molly couldn’t face Hannah as she was so frightened and stayed off school, leaving me to go around school like nothing happened. The whole time I wanted to scream the truth, I wanted to curl up in a ball or hideaway. However this wasn’t the end yet. She grew evil towards me, abusing me physically and mentally making me slowly hate myself. She had pushed me into such a dark hole, I couldn’t climb out, and I was trapped. I quickly developed anxiety from the terror I faced every day and slowly stopped coming to school, making my attendance for the year 40% out of 100. I also became depressed as I had such hatred towards myself and with her comments and remarks she made about me, pointing out my imperfections. However I began to hate myself so much I began to self-harm and stop eating….
For a while I suffered in silence and always had jumpers and hoodies to cover up the deep cuts I had engraved into my skin. As months passes by I grew weaker and so alone I was no longer the happy, little girl my parents thought I was. I was a girl who was slowly losing herself to depression and anxiety as it ate me up inside.
Until one night when my sleeve was rolled up by accident, my mum looked in disbelief and sadness towards me. She asked again and again why I did this to myself but all I could do was cry. I had kept my suffering silent for so long that for someone to find out I was ashamed of myself.
I couldn’t believe I had gotten so bad, I felt guilty, I had afflicted so much pain on my self, because I had such hatred towards myself.My parents grew worried and didn’t know how to cope with the situation. So the next day I went to the doctors, I explained my story but they couldn’t help me. I was the only one who could heal myself, by overcoming the hurdles I faced for the next years. Later I had to deal with weekly counselling sessions, which is where we started. The sessions helped me get back to my old self yet I felt missing, something still wasn’t right….
It still isn’t today, I still suffer with panic attacks and anxiety. I suppose it made me realise you have to be like a hawk, cautious of who people really are. However I focus on the positives in life and for me that’s christmas. So when people wonder why I love it so much, it’s just a long story….
