Easing your loved one into autonomy post postpartum depression.
The past months have been daunting on your partner, your family, your couple and yourself. The diagnosis of any mental health disorder of a loved one has that sword-falling-on-your-head feel. The diagnosis has had you juggling between the baby’s needs and the mother’s. As a supportive and responsible partner, relative or friend, you have been at your best; you have provided the tissues, drove to therapy together and set reminders for medication and your loved one is now on the road to recovery.
It is absolutely ok for you to still feel disturbed by the amount of transformation that may have occurred in your partner. The changes may have been drastic in weight — due to binge eating or aversion to food. There may have been some level of impairment in cognitive function like your Marie Kondo-level organised wife suddenly turning the house upside down for those keys which she kept in the fridge. And it has been an intense, emotionally charged phase for yourself where you hung between hope and fear.
It is time for you to bounce back to your routine, recovering from your own distress during your partner’s depressive phase. It feels like the hardest part is over. The medication has perhaps been reduced, or therapy is coming to an end and you and your loved one are now on your own. Ideally, the role of therapy should be to bring the patient on the road to autonomy, but continued practice of the learnt skills at home is essential.
For this period of transition back to normalcy to be as smooth as possible, it is important for you to make some changes in the way you continue to offer support so that you and your loved one can both reclaim your independence:
1. Communicate with the therapist/doctor.
Extensive periods of dependence on you, medication and doctors can leave your loved one feeling like a child and wanting to reclaim their independence as soon as possible. It is always essential to make sure that your partner is actually ready to be autonomous first by getting the clear from her doctors.
2. Acknowledge your partner’s recovering functions.
You may have stepped in and taken a lot of decisions during your loved one’s depressive phase if her judgment was clouded by the illness. It may now come naturally to you to assume that the patient may be burdened by decision-making but it is a good idea to talk about it first to her. For instance, if a decision has to be made regarding picking your child’s school, you may want to involve your partner into making the choice. By acknowledging their opinions, you help them rebuild the self-esteem that may have been lost during the depressive phase.
3. Communicate, but also listen.
Your partner may not feel ready to go out for dinner at a crowded restaurant just yet. It is not always a sign of something being wrong. You may need to keep your fears of the illness coming back aside and accept their decision. A casual “why” is fine, but pressing them with questions can make them feel overwhelmed. You can alternatively for instance suggest walks around the neighbourhood during a more quiet time to encourage socialising.
4. Encourage them to listen to their own needs.
Believe her. Do not listen and dismiss. The post depression period is confusing for the both of you. Is recovery permanent? Is the illness looming? In case your partner suddenly complains of symptoms coming back, it is worth paying visits to the therapist or doctor to ensure no latent issues have been left unseen. Remember that though the patient may look like she is coping on the outside, the negative, debilitating feelings can persist or maintain a seesaw pattern and she may need to check in until she feels like she is mentally ready to deal with the conflicting feelings on her own.
5. Overlook the mummy duties, but do not patronise.
As a woman recovers from postpartum depression, she may need to re-build her relationship with her child. She may be in need of time alone with the baby, or quite the contrary, feel overwhelmed when left on her own. Ask first. Make sure that she feels happy and confident holding and caring for the child and propose assistance. The road to autonomy often begins with feeling accompanied and not led into things. The mother may feel the need to take it one step at a time and allow plenty of space for that.
6. Do not numb your own emotional needs and thoughts.
It is hard to ease a person back into independence, especially after having accompanied the person through depression. You may have set aside a lot of yourself. It can at times feel like you are parenting your loved one. You do not need to do this alone. If you feel that at any point you become burdened by the task, ask for a therapist’s help. After all, you too owe yourself a dose of self care for having worked tremendously hard at coping.
