Everyone Is Trying To Kill Me
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Disclaimer: I have not been able to see a doctor for about a month now. I’m aware that intense paranoia can be a symptom of bipolar disorder, however I could be suffering from some other mental illness. For the sake of this story, I will assume it is not a separate condition. Thanks.
Everyone is trying to kill me.
I’ve spoken out about a lot of the symptoms of bipolar disorder that have affected me personally. The mood swings, anger episodes and lack of motivation among others. However, I have been dealing with something in recent weeks that may be scarier and more dangerous than anything I have dealt with in the past. Today I am going to try and describe what severe paranoia is like, and hopefully I can give you the reader an idea of an aspect of my condition that has kept me stuck inside my apartment for the better part of a month.
I’m not really sure what caused the onset of paranoia and fear I have felt recently. People have suggested that smoking marijuana can create long-term anxiety that goes beyond being high. While I do get anxiety from smoking, I am not a frequent user. As a result, I think the symptoms are likely a new aspect of my bipolar disorder, or perhaps another condition entirely.
I would guess that most people have felt suspicious of a sketchy situation at least once in their life. Maybe you found yourself in an unknown place while traveling and felt vulnerable. Maybe you were hanging out with the wrong crowd and got scared when they were doing something you weren’t expecting. The point is, paranoia in certain scenarios is a common occurrence. Everyone feels anxiety at times, and a little worrying is quite normal.
Now imagine feeling that way all the time. Imagine feeling like trouble is always right around the corner. I am not exaggerating when I say that I think something disastrous is going to happen at all times. I think the best way to explain this is through examples of things I experience on a daily basis.
Every night, I make sure both locks on my door are locked after I take my dog out to the bathroom. I lay down in bed, pull up the covers, and get ready to sleep. Before I do, I get up and go back to the door, checking the locks again just to make sure. I get back in bed and sit in the silence, waiting for someone to bust in the door and do who knows what. I’m convinced that someone is going to break into my apartment and steal something or kill me for no reason. I live on the third floor of my building and have nothing for someone to steal, yet every night I have problems sleeping because I’m certain that I will have to fight for my life.
Sometimes I decide not to leave my apartment and get in my car to drive. I always feel like someone will crash into me on the highway, sending me flying out the car window to my death. Even though I’m an incredibly defensive driver and rarely speed, I’m utterly convinced that something will go wrong, even if I’m driving less than a mile to the local supermarket. I spend days at a time at home, only leaving out of absolute necessity. I rarely socialize or do activities that would get me out of my comfort zone, purely out of fear.
Large public events are almost impossible to enjoy. During the times I muster the strength to attend a concert, movie or sporting event, my focus is not on the entertainment. My eyes constantly shift toward the exits as I create a plan in my mind in case someone enters and decides to start shooting at me. I sit in my seat disturbed, waiting for my end as the event begins. I begin to sweat and shake as I wonder when I will meet my maker. I think about every mass shooting, every news story and brace myself for my turn. I know that the odds of being a victim are incredibly slim but the statistics are no match for the voice in my head that tells me I will be the exception.
Another variation of paranoia I get is in the form of hypochondria. In essence, I feel like I’m always sick or dying. Every time I feel a pain somewhere in my chest, I think I’m having a heart attack. A few months ago, I had to go to the emergency room because I was convinced I was dying, even though I took an EKG and was completely fine. This one is particularly hard to deal with. I am always worried I have cancer or a terminal illness. It’s hard to function daily while constantly thinking I am unhealthy. Hypochondria is a dangerous condition and it complements feelings of anxiety constantly. Unfortunately there is not much one can do other than therapy and changes in thinking to mitigate these symptoms.
Paranoia is a scary thing. It is difficult to live a normal life when everything and everyone is out to get me. The fear carries over to nearly every aspect of my life. How can I make friends when they might secretly be my enemies? How can I trust people when their ulterior motives are unknown? This condition is paralyzing. Paranoia makes life seem like hell.
The worst part is that I’m self-aware. I know that I have nothing to worry about. The symptoms act independently from my own conscious thoughts. Paranoia controls me like a puppet master, my mind acting as an object of its manipulation. Nothing is safe, nothing is what it seems. I don’t really know what the answer is. Maybe therapy or new medications? All I know is that anyone that suffers from this has my utmost respect and admiration. If you have phobias and paranoid thoughts, you are brave and strong and you should be proud that you are still here.
I want people to understand what my condition is like. I try to act like nothing is wrong, but I am messed up in the head. I am not normal. It’s not easy to tell the world that I think everyone is trying to kill me. I hope that my words allow people to see what life can be like when you lose the genetic lottery. Life is not a cakewalk. Please spread mental health awareness and support companies and non-profit organizations that help people like me recover and find important resources that can help mitigate the damage.
