Member-only story
Expressing Needs in a Healthy Way
I’m searching for a better way to express my needs without criticizing, blaming, or judging my partner
“Why are you always out with your friends and I only get your leftover time?”
“You’re always ignoring me!”
“Make sure that you keep working on that!”
“Your friends are terrible planners. There’s no way anyone could have made it to their event.”
Accusatory. Blaming. Critical.
That’s what comes out of my mouth when I’m emotional and I confront my partner. What I was trying to say was, “I miss you. I feel we haven’t had a chance to spend much one-on-one time together recently. Can we plan a hangout for just the two of us?
Instead, I forget all my “I” statements and start with the accusations and critical statements. I blame other people’s shortcomings instead of expressing how I felt and my needs. I criticize and judge instead of acknowledging that I was hurt. I come across as controlling and perfectionistic like nothing is ever good enough for me. I don’t communicate what I need because I was too busy using my energy to deflect, blame, and criticize instead of focusing on a way to express my needs without harming others. In addition, while I’m busy stewing over how my…